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Millions of years of evolution resulting in opposable thumbs and we try and destroy it all with something called 'dual analog'. |
Maybe 'avoid responsibility' shouldn't be the first thing on my to-do list. |
@shortyawards I nominate @DieLaughing for a Shorty Award in #humor because he is so humble and never self-promotes and hates hypocrites. |
The economy is so bad I just saw a guy in a business suit in the bar bathroom reduced to drinking a RedBull and snorting baby laxative. |
Growing up around gay amateur boxers, I had a completely different understanding of the term 'knockout blow'. But it was worth fighting for. |
Now that Movember is over, we can get back to growing our neck-beards. http://tr.im/23xu send any new photos to @scottyhendo |
It's not what it looks like. I suffer from a rare condition known as 'Itchy Prostate'. |
I'm calling in gay.
Excuse me, what?
I'm protesting the passing of Prop 8.
Sir, if you don't have an emergency, please stop calling 911. |
I just saw a pimp slap his bitch, walk out into traffic, and get hit by a passing car. I've never had so much gold jewelry and cash before! |
Reading the ingredients on my energy drink I can deduce that Taurine comes from the Latin 'Taurus' meaning 'Bull' and 'ine' meaning 'Shit'. |
All the girls at the local Asian massage parlor like me so much they nicknamed me 'Short Straw' in Cantonese. |
@djsteen And that's why I <3 you so much! FACEPALM |
Driving Senior Mobility Van pretending to be the Google Street View Van gets way more boobies than pretending to be the Girls Gone Wild Bus. |
Retweeting someone with _thousands_ of followers more than you is beyond retarded. It implies your total lack of math skills. And you suck. |
According to the earthquake seismograph here, we are all lying about something. |
I just bid on Obama's Senate seat on eBay! I hope I win it. |
If I only had a nickel for every dollar I put in the bank. |
@wilw Have your First World Problems got you down? Just Google a solution. |
Could someone tell me what Tom Cruise is saying in the Valkyrie previews? His German accent's so thick and authentic I can't understand him. |
I came back from the future to tell you that the next episode of Heroes is _WAY_ better if you're on PCP. |
