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Can't believe I'm wearing white and haven't gotten this sauce all over myself yet. I feel like I'm DOIN IT RONG and should smear it on me. |
"I told my mom I was excommunicated, and she was like, 'oh, I'm sure you can just go do penance and it'll be fine.'" -- @originaloflaura |
In this episode of Making The Twitterverse Laugh With My Culinary Ineptitude we present roasted pepper alfredo sauce! So far no fires. |
@ryankuder, I'm the same way with the phone. IM first, then call if it's necessary. But I'd much rather meet for coffee--always. |
"No one cares that you went to the bathroom. Unless aforementioned bathroom is in Steve Jobs' house... and talks to you." -- @mikeprasad |
@shortyawards I nominate @ABartelby for a Shorty Award in #cocksucker because he is and he does. |
How come I haven't been nominated for the #cunt category on @shortyawards yet? Come on you guys, you can say it to my face! |
Following @creepytweet will do for now as far as entertainment on Twitter. On a scale from 1 to 10, just how creepy is @creepytweet? |
Daddykins' stories are so wild and his imagination so fertile, I tried to convince him to tweet a novel. He's on the fence about it. |
Women can never get it right. If we're composed, we're cold calculating bitches. If we cry, we're imbalanced hysterics. |
DAD: it'd benefit you some to not act like a cold bitch. ME: WTF? DAD: not that you ARE one, but don't be afraid to show how much it hurts. |
According to tweetwasters.com, I've spent 160,350 seconds or 2,673 minutes or 44.54 hours or 1.86 days using Twitter! (via @nwjerseyliz) |
Let the media revolution begin! @chrisbrogan calls on us to make useful media as old media goes the way of the dodo: http://ad.vu/gvi |
"Why create what’s been done before? Why stick to styles and methods that have dominated the traditional formats so long?" -- @chrisbrogan |
Voicemail messages should run inverted pyramid-meets-Twitter style: who, what, why, where, when and how, 140 characters or less. |
And when I say a voicemail should be 20 seconds, I mean it. I delete messages if they run too long. Don't bore me, darling! You bore me! |
You're INTERRUPTING my life when you call. Call once and take 20 seconds to leave a message so I can get back to you on my own time. |
People who call 18,000 times but don't leave any messages make me livid. Do you REALIZE you're DISTURBING a person by phoning? Yes. You are. |
Whoever is calling right now? Stop it. I'm NOT answering. E-mail me like everyone else and I'll determine how important your issue is. |
I'm having a good tit day. Look up "Googleicious breasts" on Google and tell me who you see. |
