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I know John is REALLY digging me when he not only updates my software, but he does it while I'm sleeping so I'm not inconvenienced. |
Sadly, that is not a euphemism. |
If you are in a relationship with a computer nerd, you come to realize that one way he or she expresses love is by updating your software. |
@gruber How are you Link Listing? You are supposed to be getting a haircut. God, I'll bet you're so annoying. |
@lonelysandwich "Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and he hit it. He hits my hair." |
@bcompton We actually let him watch tons of movies, but almost no TV, mostly because of commercials. He likes Alfred because of Lego Batman. |
@bcompton Wow. You're pretty restrictive. Right now Jonas is watching Natural Born Killers while he cleans my gun. And he's smoking. |
@eliztesch I'm pretty sure you just saved Christmas. |
What does Jonas want most for Christmas? An Alfred action figure. Yeah, Batman's butler. I'm screwed. |
I like the idea of looking back at your first tweet. Mine was "My husband kinda blows." I knew where I was taking this thing from the start. |
I think I just spent a lot of time and money to color my hair the color it would be anyway if I just stopped messing with it. |
@tomcarmony You should have done that because soon he's going to pick his own costumes. And honestly, they're going to be pretty dull. |
"How many beers have you had?"
"None. I am sick!"
"Excuse me, how much cold medicine have you had?"
"Four." |
@mulegirl I think so. But it still makes me cringe, too. Even more than Larry David does. |
There is something magical about the way Danny DeVito says the word "whore". |
"Jesus. Bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing. Intolerable vibrations in this place. Get out! The weasels were closing in." |
Spam entitled "One wife is not enough." Pretty sure my husband would beg to differ. |
@K_Kline THEY FOUND EVERYONE! |
I would sincerely like to thank those of you who took the time to tell me that I am not, in fact, funny. I love the internet. |
@chockenberry Honestly? No. But if we put our heads together I bet we could make a mint selling stars on that Amazon site. |
