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Lassoed the cat's legs in under 17 minutes! Not too bad for someone who flunked out of rodeo college and just drank a Zima he got on eBay! |
Your mom's phone accidentally called me and I overheard her saying my hair was the only good thing about me. Third time this week! |
Sometimes I miss the days when we didn't have to know which Olsen twin was which. |
Like Mama always said: If the stripper's wearing a diaper under her g-string, you shouldn't have to pay $12.50 for a Red Bull and Popov. |
I don’t care what the DSM-IV says, you CAN go crazy from eating too many tequila worms. Take it from EEEEEE CHUPACABRA IN MY HAIR YOU GUYS |
God bless Obama. It's a glorious new day for this country. Anyway I just kicked the shit out of some guy from the Arcade Fire at Taco Bell. |
The only time I get to see the inside of a high school gym is on Election Day. Ever since the restraining order, I mean. |
You KNOW I have to test out your makeup first to make sure it's OK. In the basement. With Sade on the boombox. Crying. We've been over this. |
Kids, a Halloween ghoul just appeared and ate all your candy and smeared delicious chocolate on my face! Did you forget to pray last night?! |
Sorry I "voted early" in the "ballot box" last night. I guess I got over-excited about "electing a black man." Hm, this metaphor needs work. |
Still going: http://wiretapfollies.com. Won't you help it grow from a cruddy Charlie Brown tree to an erect, throbbing man-oak? |
Ha ha yeah no but seriously CAN you get herpes simplex virus type 2 from passing out face-down on the toilet in the lady's room at Mervyn's? |
Can I please just get through ONE parent-teacher conference without hearing the word "loathsome"? |
Oh, this scar? I got this one back in Halloween of '08 when my Obama costume was ... misunderstood. |
I wish Rage Against The Machine were here so we could all enjoy their song being played in the sweatpant section of Wal-Mart. |
I love how my Wikipedia page neglects to mention my love of skiing and focuses almost exclusively on the whole kidnap/murder thing. |
My brother @juniorwad covers his futon with bubble wrap so the neighbors know when he's giving the "lewd infusion" to a special lady. |
I always get a little nostalgic this time of year because my first girlfriend was a pumpkin with a surprised expression carved into it. |
Well, it's official: I'm the only person on alt.tv.bosom-buddies.fanfic who still respects the fucking canon. |
Gentle sir, this meeting is not a venue for your ventriloquism, nor is that the appendage typically used to bring a sock puppet to life. |
