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You know you're a jerk when you make boring pronouncements about what it takes to be an adult. |
You know you're an adult when "guilty" pleasures become "Fuck off, I know what I like" pleasures. |
My son wrote a TV pilot called "Poo-poo on the cat. Let's make a sandwich!" It's better than "Studio 60." |
There just aren't enough hours in the day to work, play with my kids, pursue a hobby, volunteer at the food bank, and masturbate 11 times. |
OK, Tribe Called Quest, time to go. You have done enough damage by authorizing my son to "kick it." |
You are beautiful. No matter what they say. Like, that you're fat, or that your nose runs when you laugh. Or that you smell like twine, or |
Every motivational poster ends with the invisible tagline, "Now shut the fuck up and go back to your cubicle." |
On mornings when I don't feel motivated, I remind myself that every journey begins with a single step. Before I know it, I'm at my cubicle! |
@youngamerican Please find out if the HMS Bounty knows how to make an Old Fashioned. If A=Yes, let's set a date for au jus en masse. |
First prize is a $15 billion bailout loan. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're bankrupt. |
My son's teachers praise his "sense of humor." A quick check of their Euphemism Glossary reveals that that phrase means "rampant asshole." |
You know what I wish I had in my shower? Erykah Shampu. |
Just realized that @bcompton and I once shared the same boss. Having no long-term memory fills every day with special surprises! |
Each autumn an enthusiastic tweet from @mathowie reminds me to go buy Honeycrisp apples. BEFORE HE EATS THEM ALL. |
That spiderweb in the corner has been empty for months. The seller, refusing to acknowledge the recession, will not budge on price. |
Although I should note that nothing beats @meowrey's description: "It’s like Fosse getting raped by a GAP commercial." http://is.gd/a0br |
Proposed names for Beyoncé's big dance move: The Angry Undertaker, The Empire Builder, The Invisible Elliptical Trainer. |
This Personalitie Teste much discussed—& I was v. unprepared to hear Mr. Wayth declare Volpone his favorite of Jonson's works! —Pepys, 1663... |
The shawarma combo platter should always include a side of Trident. |
Time to put my regular pants back on. They're exactly like my vacation pants, only not imaginary. |
