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You are beautiful. No matter what they say. Like, that you're fat, or that your nose runs when you laugh. Or that you smell like twine, or 3:24 PM Dec 5th from twitterrific |
Every motivational poster ends with the invisible tagline, "Now shut the fuck up and go back to your cubicle." 7:40 AM Dec 5th from Tweetsville |
On mornings when I don't feel motivated, I remind myself that every journey begins with a single step. Before I know it, I'm at my cubicle! 12:09 AM Dec 5th from web |
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First prize is a $15 billion bailout loan. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're bankrupt. 2:11 PM Dec 4th from twitterrific |
My son's teachers praise his "sense of humor." A quick check of their Euphemism Glossary reveals that that phrase means "rampant asshole." 2:03 PM Dec 4th from Tweetsville |
You know what I wish I had in my shower? Erykah Shampu. 8:02 PM Dec 3rd from web |
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Each autumn an enthusiastic tweet from @mathowie reminds me to go buy Honeycrisp apples. BEFORE HE EATS THEM ALL. 12:21 AM Dec 3rd from web |
That spiderweb in the corner has been empty for months. The seller, refusing to acknowledge the recession, will not budge on price. 10:46 PM Dec 2nd from web |
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Proposed names for Beyoncé's big dance move: The Angry Undertaker, The Empire Builder, The Invisible Elliptical Trainer. 10:10 PM Dec 2nd from web |
This Personalitie Teste much discussed—& I was v. unprepared to hear Mr. Wayth declare Volpone his favorite of Jonson's works! —Pepys, 1663... 2:57 PM Dec 2nd from web |
The shawarma combo platter should always include a side of Trident. 12:57 PM Dec 2nd from web |
Time to put my regular pants back on. They're exactly like my vacation pants, only not imaginary. 11:36 AM Dec 2nd from web |
I'm worried that Scott Simpson, the anthropologist, is trying to steal some of my Google juice with his recent Homo erectus research. 8:52 PM Dec 1st from web |
B-Minus Thanksgiving Leftover Recipes: gravy ice cream, stuffing smoothie, turkeytini. 1:12 PM Nov 28th from web |
You know it's time to travel again when your Coinstar rejects don't include any foreign coins. 11:13 AM Nov 27th from web |
Putting on my vacation pants. Regular pants, see you next Tuesday. 7:42 AM Nov 27th from web |