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Every time a cab driver calls me "ma'm," he loses at least 50 cents off the tip. |
@cettedrucks brilliant. social clapper is a game-changer. |
Every time I call NYS dept of taxation, they're "too busy" to take my call due to "unusual call volume." This has been happening for weeks. |
Yeah, I know: It's awful outside. You're soaking wet. Me too. Let's move on, please. |
I'd like to thank my dental hygienist for scaring me enough to genuinely consider spending $6500 on Invisalign. Great selling tactic, bitch. |
My hands are freezing; nothing seems to help. Am I dead? |
@Choire Frey once called me to offer some self-defense tips he learned in the prison yard. You're both liars, but at least he was helpful. |
Your v-card is a fucking valuable thing, you don't just give it away for nothing. |
The highest of heels are a pervision of reality: a breeze going up 5 flights, hell going down. |
Bloodshed in ShoeMania over half-off Frye boots. Pushing and shoving like they're Loubs. #recession |
I have just had my first Activia. And now: We wait. |
Hey lady who always washes hands BEFORE going into the stall: I just don't get you. |
You know you've really 'made it' when you no longer know how to use the copier. Just ask the 12 packets of blank paper I made. |
There's no law saying you must finish the bottle of wine -- except for the laws of the universe, which dictate that you will. Every time. |
If your photo shoot involves dancing, behind-the-scenes video is to be avoided at all costs. |
Regarding the introduction of Nana: Are the Pratts Jewish? |
OMG only 2 hours and 24 minutes until Britney's birthday! |
And so begins the season of watching nothing but "Elf" and "Love Actually" -- will James Caan finally learn to love Laura Linney? |
Saw Australia but 2 people kept loudly talking throughout, explaining to one another what was happening onscr--oh. Those were my parents. |
I have been reunited with my 1989 Game Boy. Cancel all my appointments. |
