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The bank called today to remind me my overdraft is a year old. So embarrassing. Sending a birthday card first thing tomorrow. |
Is it really that bad to lie about how you spent your day, when faced with admitting you wasted it masturbating into your own filth? |
Went to see a palm reader. She said that I'm single, lonely, and sexually frustrated. And that I should wash my hands after masturbating. |
Realising you actually quite like Dubstep is about as horrifying as the moment you realise you actually *prefer* women's underwear. |
Using Quicksilver kind of makes me feel like I'm cheating. Like sleeping with a girl before introducing yourself or getting her drunk. |
Business plan: two of man's greatest creations in one place. Joint comedy club and whorehouse. But should I call it BROFL or BORDELLOL? |
"I think I'm allergic to you," "What?" "My penis swells up whenever I'm around you." Ill-advised pick up line #851 |
There is little in the world more pathetic than a man with a new ringtone waiting desperately for someone call him. Someone? Please? |
People that still think rickrolling is funny remind me of people that still think pulling out is an effective way to avoid pregnancy. |
Dear unbearably pretend indie guy a few flats down: girls will like you more if you wash more, shave, and stop listening to The Strokes. |
You are cordially invited to not think we are best friends because I said I like your shirt. Venue: go fuck yourself. Time: go fuck yourself |
Sometimes when I run out of rolling paper, I use thesaurus pages. No perceptible corollaries that I can discern. |
[Mundane everyday occurrence]. [Unexpected twist that relies on gentle wordplay]! |
Every time you download an EP thinking it's a full album, the RIAA laughs at you and calls you a cunt. And then files a lawsuit. |
I get really uncomfortable when people ask embarrassing questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?" |
Woohoo, NaNoWriMo guys! brb adding "writer" to my bio on my Livejournal blog. |
The flat is divided tonight between those who don't mind me molesting them when drunk (me) and those who do (everyone else). |
Hi, I'm that guy who drinks too much. You might remember me from such incidents as groping your breasts, or telling you I love you! |
@zuhl has been named as a person of interest in the (ongoing) investigation of where did all my gold stars go? |
Fun optical illusion: when it looks like I'm listening to your rants on consumerism, I'm actually wondering if I can just kill you. |
