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I drank the liquid inside a Magic 8-Ball. My doctor said "outlook not so good" and then gave me a prescription for that "total burn." |
Come back! I know two more Sublime songs! |
In my day, the hand gesture for "doing it" was sticking one finger in one hole. Kids today need like fourteen fingers and that Wii doodad!!! |
Man, Grandpa's really going for the record with his Thanksgiving nap. Sleeping with his eyes open, even. I bet he learned that in the War. |
Accidentally drank the turkey brine and woke up 50 miles away in a boxcar headed for Bozeman. Maybe put quotes around "accidentally." |
Guy in the next stall just texted me: "i hate gays! do u agree? tap yr foot once for NOT REALLY and twice for I'M ... I'M SHY AND CONFUSED." |
Dear Abby, my wife says I should wear a tux to the opera. I say she should wear a tux in hell forever. 1) Who's right? 2) Oh my god call 911 |
I didn't get where I am today by explaining things to retards, so either pick a dipping sauce or have your baby shower at another Chili's. |
Where's my glue gun?? You guys, it's only a week till Thanksgiving and my Jordache short shorts aren't going to fucking bedazzle themselves. |
I always thought it wasn't technically sexual harassment if you did it right, but HR says I'm doing it wrong. |
Sometimes I fantasize about refusing to accept a major award. |
What did I say. I said NO a-knockin while the Geo Metro's a-rockin. I was very clear on this point. Now your mom is mad and distant. Thanks. |
The season's first snow. A hushed, blessed morning. A man wearing nothing but a tool belt pees upon my car. My soul sings something by Enya. |
Lassoed the cat's legs in under 17 minutes! Not too bad for someone who flunked out of rodeo college and just drank a Zima he got on eBay! |
Your mom's phone accidentally called me and I overheard her saying my hair was the only good thing about me. Third time this week! |
Sometimes I miss the days when we didn't have to know which Olsen twin was which. |
Like Mama always said: If the stripper's wearing a diaper under her g-string, you shouldn't have to pay $12.50 for a Red Bull and Popov. |
I don’t care what the DSM-IV says, you CAN go crazy from eating too many tequila worms. Take it from EEEEEE CHUPACABRA IN MY HAIR YOU GUYS |
God bless Obama. It's a glorious new day for this country. Anyway I just kicked the shit out of some guy from the Arcade Fire at Taco Bell. |
The only time I get to see the inside of a high school gym is on Election Day. Ever since the restraining order, I mean. |
