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The @plinky office doors are very slammy, which makes anything said right before closing one sound passive-aggressive: "I agree! *SLAM*" |
How is the woman in the billing dept. at my doctor's office making me feel really bad for wacky shit in their system? Man, she is GOOD! |
Have you ever resisted saying something out loud because you wanted to Twitter it instead?Neither have I. I was just asking. #garthalgar |
Sometimes I like working on legal pads because they don't have any way to see what other people have written on their legal pads. |
Plug alert! My friend @kineticturtle is selling vintage refurbished rotary phones. Hot: http://smallbell.etsy.com |
Whenever I visit twitter.com, I like to imagine the call to action as screamed by someone who's angry with me: "What are you DOING?!?!?!" |
Thanksgiving at the boss' house. Awkward! |
Found my wedding ring! It was -- you'll never believe this -- in David Blaine's mouth!!! |
But seriously, your wife was really cool about it. We'll see how mine takes it. |
You know your wife is awesome when instead of being mad at you for losing your wedding ring, she asks if you need a martini. |
But seriously, I lost my wedding ring. Shit. |
You know what's a shitty way to start off a holiday weekend? Losing your wedding ring. Guess it beats wedding a ringing loser. (Badump-cha!) |
@hotdogsladies In honor of your birthday, I sent a few PR firms envelopes of poisonous spiders labeled:
An Exciting Opportunity!!!!
### |
@bodyvisual has a problem. A pizza problem. And it's not that he's not eating enough. |
Drinking Woodford Reserve for the same reason I bought a New Order record a few months ago: seems like I should like it. |
@Moltz Good Lord – I've heard about this. Could there be a CEO that would let this happen? |
Do-over! @Jordan_Morris Tell me about it. When will they make "Dippin' Dots" and/or "So I Married an Axe Murderer" checks? |
@Jordan_Morris Tell me about it. When will they make "Dip |
"Ghost Adventures" is by far the best comedy on television. Who writes this stuff? Hilarious! |
Listening to a very, very painful cover of "Paranoid Android." At a teen center. Kill me. Quickly. |
