Lassoed the cat's legs in under 17 minutes! Not too bad for someone who flunked out of rodeo college and just drank a Zima he got on eBay! 9:21 AM Nov 13th from web |
Your mom's phone accidentally called me and I overheard her saying my hair was the only good thing about me. Third time this week! 2:59 PM Nov 12th from web |
Sometimes I miss the days when we didn't have to know which Olsen twin was which. 8:30 AM Nov 11th from web |
Like Mama always said: If the stripper's wearing a diaper under her g-string, you shouldn't have to pay $12.50 for a Red Bull and Popov. 9:17 AM Nov 10th from web |
I don’t care what the DSM-IV says, you CAN go crazy from eating too many tequila worms. Take it from EEEEEE CHUPACABRA IN MY HAIR YOU GUYS 7:55 PM Nov 6th from web |
God bless Obama. It's a glorious new day for this country. Anyway I just kicked the shit out of some guy from the Arcade Fire at Taco Bell. 9:16 PM Nov 5th from web |
The only time I get to see the inside of a high school gym is on Election Day. Ever since the restraining order, I mean. 9:07 AM Nov 4th from web |
You KNOW I have to test out your makeup first to make sure it's OK. In the basement. With Sade on the boombox. Crying. We've been over this. 4:23 PM Nov 3rd from web |
Kids, a Halloween ghoul just appeared and ate all your candy and smeared delicious chocolate on my face! Did you forget to pray last night?! 9:58 AM Oct 31st from web |
Sorry I "voted early" in the "ballot box" last night. I guess I got over-excited about "electing a black man." Hm, this metaphor needs work. 7:55 AM Oct 30th from web |
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Ha ha yeah no but seriously CAN you get herpes simplex virus type 2 from passing out face-down on the toilet in the lady's room at Mervyn's? 9:39 AM Oct 28th from web |
Can I please just get through ONE parent-teacher conference without hearing the word "loathsome"? 1:16 PM Oct 24th from web |
Oh, this scar? I got this one back in Halloween of '08 when my Obama costume was ... misunderstood. 2:53 PM Oct 23rd from web |
I wish Rage Against The Machine were here so we could all enjoy their song being played in the sweatpant section of Wal-Mart. 9:10 AM Oct 22nd from web |
I love how my Wikipedia page neglects to mention my love of skiing and focuses almost exclusively on the whole kidnap/murder thing. 12:37 PM Oct 21st from web |
My brother @juniorwad covers his futon with bubble wrap so the neighbors know when he's giving the "lewd infusion" to a special lady. 3:08 PM Oct 20th from web |
I always get a little nostalgic this time of year because my first girlfriend was a pumpkin with a surprised expression carved into it. 1:35 PM Oct 17th from web |
Well, it's official: I'm the only person on alt.tv.bosom-buddies.fanfic who still respects the fucking canon. 12:53 PM Oct 16th from web |
Gentle sir, this meeting is not a venue for your ventriloquism, nor is that the appendage typically used to bring a sock puppet to life. 12:43 PM Oct 15th from web |