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On the upside, the farmers at the diner gave a great rundown on why Obama needs to kill Bush's farm subsidies (they've seen corruption).
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Highlight of visiting home: hearing people bitch about Obama. Tip, guys: the eight years don't go by fast.
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It's hard to write comedy when you know your actual show won't be as good as an infomercial for Carol Burnett's.
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RIGHT NOW, a Shiba Inu puppy is exaggerating to his literary agent.
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RIGHT NOW, the Wayans brothers are using money earned from "Little Man" to buy a better blowjob than your wife will ever give.
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RIGHT NOW, two Thought Leaders are arguing over the difficulty of the world birthing another Doc Searls. 7 billion people reply, "who?"
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Telling Mom that I don't have a job but I'm talking to an agent about my Twitter book. So, uh, keep up the good work guys.
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Whither your power, modern man, when you have a loose thread at an airport?
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May I never sound the rallying cry of the nitwit: "We need your opinions."
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Going crazy over this band "TBA." Every time I think I'm gonna see them perform, they get replaced at the last minute.
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Who's the bigger asshole: The guy who gunned his hot rod at the intersection, or the guy whose car alarm went berserk at the rumble?
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You know who else spent the holidays with his family? Hitler.
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Ever get high, keep reloading Twitter, and say "Damn, this chat room's slow"?
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NO ONE EVER WROTE A GOOD NOVEL IN THE THIRTY DAYS OF NOVEMBER.
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Around the time my inner monologue climaxed at "Don't I deserve to be rich and famous?" my head and arm went through the same sleevehole.
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With enough hard work, some day I'll be the model on a Facebook ad for Christian dating.
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I thought I had a birthday during my wet dream, so today I keep entering the wrong age on these porn site signups.
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Auditioning for Real Housewives of San Francisco.
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Hey Rochester, NY Twitterers! God (that is to say, me) is visiting your town! Yes, me is visiting your town from the 24th to Dec 2! Holla!
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In this crazy non-heteronormative world, how do you define sex? It's whatever the people are doing two-thirds of the way through the porno.
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