Took AN HOUR to get my personal sub monogrammed. Then, when I spilled tea on the immigrant they gave me to sit on, he CRIED. Unbelievable.
half a minute ago from web
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While it's important to talk about helping people, it's even more important to pretend you're doing something. Especially at Christmas.
23 minutes ago from web
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Wikipedia helps me feel like James Burke and talk like Cliff Clavin.
about 5 hours ago from web
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GMA'S "SHOPPING" COVERAGE:
Economy's bad;
Prices get cut;
People want bargains;
[Shot of crowds.]
(Anybody else smell a Peabody cooking?)
about 6 hours ago from web
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Reporting for "Good Morning, America" must be like teaching at the world's greatest junior college. You've really arrived. Kinda.
about 6 hours ago from web
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Hotel room has a giant Skinny Mirror; @madmann and I take turns accepting compliments with quiet grace.
about 7 hours ago from web
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HE: "Whadayado?"
ME: "I write about how I suck, I make dick jokes, and I talk into my wallet."
HE: "Buh?"
ME: "Ceramics. I'm a ceramicist."
9:12 AM yesterday from web
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Via Top Chef, my favorite new term: "warm chocolate component."
Because a morning of strong coffee leads to serious molecular gastronomy.
7:50 PM Nov 26th from web
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"For today's Quickfire Challenge, you must ROLL...with the PUNCHES...making sushi while Tom beats you with this bottle of KIKKOMAN®."
7:23 PM Nov 26th from web
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You'd think an hour of singing the chorus of "Pictures in an Exhibition" as Ethel Merman would get old. Well, *I'M* still enjoying it. #dcfc
6:49 PM Nov 26th from web
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If poultry had been nicer to me in junior high, tomorrow might not have to be so harrowing.
"Who's the alpha bird now, plate of food?"
4:54 PM Nov 26th from web
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The darkest hobby I'll admit to is vexing people who wish I owed them a favor. Try it; it's intoxicating.
4:37 PM Nov 26th from web
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Sorry, my bad. Fantasized Robyn Hitchcock got on Twitter.
1:59 PM Nov 26th from web
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Just had lunch with a vase of prawns resembling Ray Bolger. They had my dream about a portcullis made of bees, and I had the vicar's hat.
1:59 PM Nov 26th from web
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Watching two pigeons fight over who gets to peck at a yellow paint stain on the sidewalk. This recession is already getting weird.
1:32 PM Nov 26th from Tweetie
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I'm speechless whenever salespeople ask me why I won't buy something. It's like being asked to defend why I'm not a fern or a ceiling fan.
12:46 PM Nov 26th from web
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Can't believe I bought a Mac Pro with two optical drives. It's like owning a Lexus with two *really nice* 8-track players.
12:08 PM Nov 26th from web
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Apparently, I'm not the only one hoping the 5D Mark II comes with a marriage counselor and a couch to sleep on for a couple nights.
9:21 PM Nov 25th from web
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