July 2008
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Courage: You Have It
By Sue Patton Thoele
This is an excerpt from The Courage to Change by Sue Patton Thoele. Printed with permission from the author.
I have met brave women who are exploring the outer edges of human possibility, with no history to guide them, and with a courage to make themselves vulnerable that I find moving beyond words. ~Gloria Steinem
Are you often filling the wants and needs of others without having your own met? Do deadlines and difficult people leave you feeling frazzled? Do you feel overworked and under-appreciated? Do you grapple with self-limiting fears? Are you more an enemy than a friend to yourself?
Despite the tremendous changes of the last fifty years and the new vision of ourselves we’ve been given, many women will still answer “yes” to the above questions. Often we are caught in a tangled web of emotional dependence, afraid to express who we really are.
Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem
Emotional strength flows from a healthy and hearty sense of self-esteem. Emotionally strong women know themselves well, honor their strengths, nonjudgmentally work on their weakness, and treat themselves—and consequently others—with respect, understanding, and kindness. When a woman is emotionally strong, she is able to be gentle with herself and call upon her own inner core of strength as her main support even in the midst of chaos and failure.
For the vast majority of us, emotional strength and high self-esteem are attributes that we have worked diligently to attain, not ones that came easily or automatically. Courageously we build, balance, and stabilize our internal ego structure by overcoming one tiny—or tremendous—fear at a time and embrace a new vision of ourselves one insight at a time.
Uncovering, strengthening, and allowing our authentic self full expression is an ongoing, eternal process, a dance with our soul.
What is Emotional Dependence?
Emotional dependence is the opposite of emotional strength. It means needing to have others to survive, wanting others to “do it for us,” and depending on others to give us our self-image, make our decisions, and take care of us financially. When we are emotionally dependent, we look to others for our happiness, our concept of “self,” and our emotional well-being. Such vulnerability necessitates a search for and dependence on outer support for a sense of our own worth.
Being emotionally dependent puts us at the mercy of our fears and other people’s whims, and severely limits our freedom to be ourselves. Although our minds often know better, when we are emotionally dependent, we feel that others hold the key to our well-being, that they must know better than we do what is good for us. Or, we may believe that we must give ourselves away in order to gain and hold someone’s love. That belief makes reassurance a necessity rather than a nicety.
Before I ever heard the term “emotional dependence,” I knew that, in some mysterious way, I turned my life over to other people. It didn’t really matter who they were—my parents, husband, kids, coworkers. If they were happy with me, then I could be happy. If they approved of me, then I felt worthwhile. If they granted permission, then I believed it was okay for me to do or be something. I looked to others for approval before feeling confident enough to take a step or stand. I wasn’t myself; I was whoever I thought the person I was trying to please wanted me to be. Since I wasn’t a mind reader, no matter what form I pretzeled myself into, I wasn’t able to please everyone all of the time. But I tried. That’s emotional dependence!
Denying or sacrificing ourselves on the altar of other’s expectations—or what we perceive to be their expectations—leaves us with no self. Without an awareness of our self, the courage to express who we are, and the willingness to experience the discomfort and exhilaration that follows, we are not truly living. We are existing merely as mirrors, reflecting other people’s lives. Until we are able to be our unique and beautiful (and, sometimes, ugly and mundane) selves, we cannot truly love either ourselves or others, and love is what life is all about.
Why do so many women have trouble maintaining emotional strength? As many researchers have shown, women have a deep need for emotional connectedness and intimacy. In fact, one of the premises of Carol Gilligan’s book, In A Different Voice, is that women’s voices are easily silenced by the culture because of their need for copasetic connectedness. This desire is not all bad, since it is what makes us such wonderful lovers, friends, and mothers. But when the need for connectedness is not balanced with the need to be our own person, we can become emotionally dependent, losing sight of ourselves and all our capabilities. We become afraid of anything that seems to threaten our relationships with others. Being disconnected can feel life threatening and is, therefore, terrifying to us. Out of our terror we often do exactly what we are afraid others will do—we abandon ourselves, littering the sides of our personal life-road with forsaken desires, goals, talents, and dreams.
Fear—of not being loved, of abandonment, of being thought to be selfish—is the main thing that keeps us vulnerable and bound in the chains of emotional dependence. Therefore, our two most difficult challenges are to truly believe it is okay for us to be ourselves and to learn to live with, move through, and heal our fears.
For many years, I was run by my fears. For example, I was deeply afraid of rejection or of offending anyone and would go to great lengths to avoid disagreement of any kind. But very few people who knew me would have said, “Wow, there’s a woman who is really afraid!” I hid it well. And so, I was to learn, did countless other women.
Unfortunately, many of us have allowed fear to block our awareness of our inborn strengths. I myself used to be a master at doing that. Although other people perceived me as a strong and independent person, I frequently felt I was only playing at being grownup. Others saw me as successful and mature, but inside, I felt buffeted by other people’s moods. I knew that I hadn’t taken responsibility for my own life, and I was afraid to do so.
Even though I had a master’s degree in counseling and had been in private practice for several years, inwardly I felt I was “just a wife and mother.” Sure, I had performed the work of an adult person, leading groups and seeing clients, but inside, I felt like a little girl dressing up and playing at these roles, hoping to gain the approval of others.
What changed? A great deal! I turned forty, met a wonderful woman friend who wouldn’t let me lie to myself, and, most important, I began to really listen to myself. Each of us has a “still, small voice” inside that speaks to us continuously. The trouble is, we seldom listen. Yet, if we let it, our inner authentic self can guide us unerringly. You, too, can hear the voice inside you that will help you realize you have the courage to become who you really are.
I don’t want to imply that I am now “fixed” and never wrestle with low self-esteem, because I do. There are times when I sink into vulnerability and inwardly protest that the consequences of being myself are too harsh and unfair. In reality, all my protests are not inner ones. I’m also prone to groan and moan outwardly and loudly to trusted friends when I’m feeling upset about something. Many of those grump-fests end in laughter, and it’s with great relief that I can assure you that my painful stretches are not as long or hard as they once were. Sooner or later the lessons I’ve learned and the insights I’ve gained surface and act as a ladder to help me climb out of the pit. Growing through tough times and circumstances becomes easier and easier the more deeply I appreciate the fact that not being myself reaps the most serious consequences.
Nobody Said It Would Be Easy
Courage is the willingness to act even when frightened. If we struggle with low self-esteem and have been emotionally dependent on others for a long time, it will be frightening to make independent decisions about our lives that may earn the disapproval of others. The only way to begin is by taking small steps that we can handle. Even a baby step puts us farther forward than no step at all. You’ll be quite surprised at how much strength, confidence, and pride you get from tapping one little iota of your hidden inner courage.
Put a three-by-five card on your fridge, mirror, or in your wallet that says: NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY! Too often, we hold the underlying assumption that things should be easy, that if we face difficult challenges, it means we’re somehow bad, or the world is against us. With either a judgmental or victim attitude, we find it all too easy to crumble and never discover how strong and creative we really can be. Change is rarely easy. But avoiding the difficulties in our lives never gives us the chance to conquer fear. When we overcome a fear or face challenges and win, we experience wonderful feelings of accomplishment and mastery.
It’s important to free ourselves from the attitude that things should be easy, which only encourages us to resist difficulties. Shun the ain’t-it-awful and woe-is-me attitudes in yourself and in other people. Negativity is highly contagious, so if at all possible avoid being around chronically negative people.
Courage: An Everyday Actuality
What exactly is courage? Courage is the ability to do what needs to be done, or feel what needs to be felt, in spite of fear. It’s the willingness to risk or act even when we are frightened or in pain.
If you want to gain emotional strength and have more courage, you can. In fact, you already have a great deal of courage. We seldom think much about the courage we exert in simple, “normal” situations: having a baby, going to work day after day, sustaining relationships. It takes courage to fall in love, be honest with ourselves, survive a loss, move away from home, share a fear with a friend, ask for a raise, get a divorce, take a job that challenges us, grow older, or tell someone we’re angry or hurt. Try writing down a list of things you’ve done even though you felt afraid. Those were acts of courage. Sometimes just getting up in the morning and proceeding with your life takes tremendous courage.
I hope it’s clear by now that we already have courage. Being courageous, and moving toward a fuller realization of our own authentic self, is a natural process. What it is that keeps us from realizing our full, courageous potential? Fear! What do we fear? We fear the unknown, anything that has been painful for us in the past, or anything that feels different and risky.
Actually risk has an entirely different side too. With the right attitude, we can experience risk as exhilarating and creative. Risk is necessary for change, and change is necessary from growth. Growth is inevitable. We will grow, but will it be toward freedom or toward fearfulness? In order to be free, we need to learn to honor our fears but not allow them to control our lives.
Bringing our fears out into the open and talking honestly about them helps us work through them. An unspoken fear grows and gains force becoming much more powerful than one that is shared.
The trouble is, we’re afraid to talk about our fears because we think others will see us as too emotional, immature, or foolish. So we keep quiet, thus creating a self-enclosed inner world in which we condemn ourselves for feeling as we do and believe we’re the only fearful people we know. Our fear creates crippling isolation. But as we risk voicing our fear and find it accepted gently by others, it loses its power.
The Co-Dependent Cage
In the decade since The Courage to Be Yourself was first published, much has been written and taught about emotional dependence, under the name “co-dependence.” While co-dependence is often linked to being in a relationship with someone who is dependent on drugs or alcohol, it is far more pervasive than that. We can be co-dependent with our husbands, kids, co-workers—even our dog or parakeet.
Being co-dependent means we consistently put other’s needs, wants, and demands before our own—in other words, emotional dependence. Instead of gaining our self-esteem, self-motivation, and self-worth from ourselves, we rely on others to provide those feelings for us. Quite a paradox: self as defined by others. When we turn our lives over to someone or something else, we are in a co-dependent cage. In that cage we become drugged by denial and depression.
If you feel that you have even a toe caught in the “co-cage,” muster up your courage and find a friend or group of people who can help you work your way free. Recently I became aware that a dear friend was banging her head against the bars of a destructive marriage. Sadly she’s been suffering in silence for several years and has gotten to the point where she fears for her mental and physical health. Although her husband isn’t physically violent, his mental assaults are stripping away her emotional well-being and depleting her immune system. As a result, she is almost immobilized by depression and is plagued by illness after illness.
With encouragement from her therapist, myself, and a few friends, she has now broken her silence and is beginning to be honest about her situation. A courageous start. True freedom will be hers when she discovers the best way to escape from the very complicated co-dependent cage she is in.
Serving a life sentence as a co-dependent is tantamount to an emotional death penalty. Breaking out of the co-dependence cage is a life-giving escape. I have every confidence that you and my friend can do it. If I, who spent many years peering through the bars of co-dependence yearning for the freedom of emotional autonomy and independence, can do it, so can you.
Finding the Way to Ourselves
We all know now that women have a tendency, in greater or lesser degrees, to be emotionally dependent in their relationships. But how do we free ourselves from the trap and enter into a loving partnership instead?
I love the Irish proverb that says, “You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.” It’s true. We will do our own growing eventually, so let’s not let fear seduce us into inaction. An excellent way to overcome the paralysis that often accompanies fear is to join a group of women who are working on issues similar to our own. If you are unable to find the help you need among your friends and family, there are co-dependency seminars and other support groups everywhere. They can be found by inquiring at your local mental health department, checking with churches that often have lists of community services, or by asking friends.
In the seminars my partner, Bonnie, and I gave, the most important thing the women in them learned was to talk openly about their feelings. As we shared our shortcomings, secrets, fears, hostilities, joys, and disappointments, we realized we were not alone. Breaking out of isolation gives permission to fully experience our feelings and then work through them.
Katy, a sweet, soft-spoken woman, sheepishly told me I couldn’t possibly guess what she had discovered in one of our seminars. She was certain I’d be shocked and horrified to know that the main stress in her life related to her husband. Of course, I was neither shocked nor surprised. I know her husband, and he’s a good man; but I also know that many women who are in relationships with good men feel stressed out. In Katy’s case, the mere reassurance from other women that she wasn’t alone in her unrevealed feelings, and that she wasn’t a terrible person for having them, gave her the freedom to accept what she was really feeling.
Knowing and accepting our true feelings is an essential step in moving beyond emotional dependence toward the ability to be ourselves. It takes enormous amounts of courage to be emotionally independent because we have been taught to believe that our natural role is an adjunct to other people—a constant support, a helpmate, not an equal. However, with the advent of the partnership paradigm, the concept of inequality is obsolete. Having the courage to be who we really are is our natural birthright. If this is the case, then why is it so difficult for many of us to be ourselves, enjoy emotional independence, and have satisfying, equal relationships?
Establishing new patterns or beliefs and behaviors is always difficult. We seem to gravitate to the familiar even when it is uncomfortable. Giving ourselves permission to move into the uncharted waters of emotional independence and create new patterns for our lives takes courage and commitment.
Though it’s often hard for us to give up the old habit of asking, “Mother (or Father, Husband, Boss, Child), may I?”, we’re living in an age when we have unprecedented opportunities to make our own decisions to be ourselves. As we embrace an expanded vision of ourselves and unravel our emotional dependencies, we learn that no one can fill us with confidence, independence, and a sense of inner worth but ourselves, with the help of whatever we interpret as our Higher Source.
Another very important piece of the courage-to-be-yourself puzzle is the awareness that the most essential and important connection we can make is with ourselves. We have heard this so often that we know it in our heads, but it is still difficult to believe in our hearts and guts, because we have been socialized to conclude that our commitment is to others and our job is self-sacrifice. A pervasive underlying belief women grow up carrying is that they come last. Yet, without a deep commitment to and connection with ourselves, we cannot truly relate healthily to others.
Yearning to have my inner dependent and insecure feelings match my outer independent and successful demeanor, I began to search for ways to free myself from the tyranny of fear and learn how to express who I really was. It has been a great adventure—sometimes terrifying, often exciting, but always educational. Only since I began my quest to find Sue have I felt truly alive.
Emotional Wisdom
Women naturally possess an innate sense of connectedness—to God, to others, to our world, and to our own inner lives, which I call “emotional wisdom.” Because of this wonderful emotional wisdom, we are relationship specialists. But too often we let our connection to our own inner lives languish and specialize only in keeping the peace in our outer relationships. True, their demands and needs can be loud and insistent, but our challenge is to give ourselves the same love we so readily lavish on others.
Being emotionally independent and connected to our authentic inner selves doesn’t mean that we’ll turn into selfish and self-centered women who are unavailable to others. It does mean that we’re centered in an awareness of who we are—no longer fragmented by fear or unrealistic demands from ourselves or others. In reality, an emotionally independent woman is a happier, more loving and giving woman. As we find the freedom to express who we really, uniquely are, we tap into our inherent emotional wisdom and, as a result, create a climate around ourselves in which others can grow, heal, and become better connected to themselves. Freed from the torment of looking outside ourselves for approval, and empowered by having our own identity, we have more to give. Plus, our lives are enhanced by a spirit of lightness and spontaneity.
Although The Courage to Be Yourself has no pat answers, it is filled with ideas and exercises designed to help you become aware of your fears, learn to transform them, move from emotional dependence to strength, and enhance self-esteem. Freed from the shackles of limiting fear, you can give yourself permission to own your own excellence and live up to your highest potential.
Even as we make progress, we may long to return to the easy fantasy that it’s okay to be emotionally dependent, that others will take care of us, that it’s their responsibility to keep us safe and support us. To really know that the buck stops with ourselves is frightening, but it’s also extremely freeing to realize that we can be strong, independent, confident, and in control of ourselves. We are all—men and women—called to grow up and to assume responsibility for ourselves. As grown-ups we are better able to love—independently, interdependently, and joyfully.
We women are emotionally wise and wonderfully courageous. We have what it takes to overcome our fear-full inner dragons and live our lives expressing our true selves. I have been honored to walk with many women as they courageously tamed their dragons and surmounted obstacles and traumas that had once nearly destroyed their faith in themselves. As I said earlier, we teach what we need to learn the most, and that is certainly true in my case. Live gently with yourself as you continue on your journey toward being who you authentically are. Be patient with yourself, and please don’t try to go it alone.
More information from womenshealth.gov:
Content last updated July 1, 2008.
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