Clemson University Cooperative Extension Service
Conflict-you'll
find it everywhere from the corporate world to the garden
club. Whenever two people come into contact, the potential
for conflict arises. It is a normal part of human interaction.
- Understand
the nature of conflict;
- Identify
your style of dealing with conflict; and
- Learn
about a process that can help you effectively resolve conflicts
with others. To prepare for this lesson, take a few minutes
and:
- Jot
down words that come to mind when you think about
conflict; and
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- Identify
the feelings you can recall about conflict situations
you have experienced.
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Simply
defined, conflict is a struggle over values and claims
to scarce status, power, or resources. Conflict arises
when two people have different values or needs and it appears
that satisfying one person's needs will thwart the needs of
the other (example: Do you use this money on a new car or
household improvements?). Money may be the scarce resource
behind this dilemma, but differing values may be at the source
of the conflict.
Take
a look at the words that came to mind when you thought about
the word "conflict." Were most of them negative?
A common
belief about conflict is that it should be avoided. It is
uncomfortable. Have you ever considered that conflicts can
have some positive benefits?
Conflicts
are a fact of life to be dealt with, not a sign of failure.
They can provide an opportunity for new learning and an improved
relationship. Here are some ways conflict can have positive
effects:
- Confrontation
in a conflict can lead to change;
- Being
aware of conflicts can increase your motivation to do well;
- Conflicts
increase awareness of problems that need to be solved;
- Conflicts
make life more interesting;
- Disagreement
often causes a decision to be thought through more carefully;
- Conflicts
help you understand what you are like under pressure;
- Minor
conflicts can defuse potentially large ones; and
- Conflicts
can be fun if they're not taken too seriously.
While
it is not suggested that you go out and look for conflicts,
it is important to note that a conflict can provide you with
some new directions and opportunities. The question is, can
you capitalize on the positives and make conflict work for
you?
The
matter of who owns what can be a major source of conflict
in families. There are three categories to examine:
- Possessions-This
category refers to material objects around the home. Possessions
are either shared or individually owned.
- Territory-This
refers to space and goes beyond the strictly material aspect
of possessions. It can refer to land as well as to living
and work space. Territory can be owned by individuals, shared
with the group, or owned by the public at large.
- Time-This
is one resource that everyone has the same amount of. People
choose to apportion time among work, leisure, and other
pursuits.
The
above resources can be owned in three ways:
- Yours
(unavailable to me);
- Mine
(exclusively); and
- Ours
(shared).
Making
assumptions about ownership without discussion can lead to
major battles. Families may find the following exercise helpful
in establishing what the rules are, who owns what, what can
be borrowed, and what people would rather not share. A frank
discussion among all the family might hold a few surprises.
This
activity is designed to be used with all family members. Each
person should complete the following form individually.
Then get together and discuss the responses.
Ownership
Resources |
Yours |
Mine |
Ours |
Possessions |
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Territory |
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Time |
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In discussion,
pay particular attention to what the others have written in
their Mine column. Here's how one family member completed
this form:
Ownership
Resources |
Yours |
Mine |
Ours |
Possessions |
Camera
Power tools |
Sewing
machine |
Lawn
mower |
Territory |
Tool
Bench |
Sewing
Room |
Living
Room |
Time |
Workday |
Workday
Evening |
Mealtime |
When
two people have different values and beliefs, they may choose
different goals or different methods to achieve the same goals.
Since each goal requires an investment of time, effort,
and some sacrifice, one goal cannot be pursued without
sacrificing the other to some extent. When one person perceives
a block to achieving his or her goal, conflict occurs. Recognizing
differences in values can bring about an understanding of
why certain areas or issues create conflict. The following
exercise is designed to help you and your family understand
each other a bit better. It is not designed to have you clarify
these further for goal-setting purposes, but rather to explore
more deeply the values each of you holds. This exercise will
be most effective if all family members can complete it individually,
then share as a group.
Rate
the following 15 goals according to their importance to you.
Check in Column A the five you consider most important, in
Column B the five next important, and in Column C the five
you consider least important.
Goals |
A |
B |
C |
1.
To live here because it is a satisfying way of life for
our family. |
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2.
To have freedom and independence in work and other activities. |
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3.
To have economic security. |
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4.
To have all of the comforts and conveniences of life. |
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5.
To improve career opportunities before we improve our
home. |
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6.
To have what is needed for our home, even if it means
using credit. |
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7.
To have good health. |
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8.
To provide good educational opportunities for our children. |
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9.
To have friends and enjoy good times with them. |
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10.
To have and enjoy a pleasant home life. |
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11.
To do things that are new and exciting. |
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12.
To engage in self-improvement and intellectual activities. |
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13.
To pursue a favorite hobby or sport such as bicycling,
fishing, collecting, etc. |
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14.
To be influential in guiding policies and activities in
our community or the country for worthwhile causes. |
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15.
To engage in religious activities. |
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After
you have each rated these goals, take some time to explore
your similarities and differences. How might the differences
contribute to creating conflicts in your family? What similar
goals can help you find agreement in some areas?
In the
preceding material we have noted some of the basic issues
that are sources of conflict in all types of families; that
is, differences in values and goals and the ownership of resources
such as possessions, territory, and time.
To begin
focusing on conflict issues in two-generation families in
business, think for a moment about the two-generation families
that you know. If you are one of these families, consider
your own situation. What issues seem to create the most conflict?
Why?
- Authority,
control, or power-Probably the most potential for conflict
arises with the issue of power. Who has the ultimate power?
The struggle for power can affect virtually every situation
in a family business. This may manifest itself in many ways.
For example, in a two-generation business, the older generation
may wish to maintain the reins of power and refuse to relinquish
any authority to the younger generation. Families generally
prize the value of independence and freedom to operate their
own enterprise, yet many times the children are controlled
well into adult-hood (and even middle age) by the parents.
The extent of conflicts spawned by such struggles can
only be imagined.
- Legal
transfer of property-Transfer of property from one generation
to the next is another issue that can create tension and
conflict in two-generation families. Some members may feel
that legal agreements are all that are needed to feel that
more communication, mutual under standing, tolerance, and
acceptance are needed to fully deal with the issue.
- Division
of income-The question of when to decide that the younger
generation gets a more equitable, equal, or greater share
of the income is another potential issue.
- Obligations
and indebtedness-A related issue is, "Who bears the
brunt of risks in the business? How is risk handled? Does
someone in the situation feel taken advantage of?"
- In-law
relations and conflict of loyalties- Couples have additional
opportunities for conflicts related to these family relationships.
Close-ness in living and working can add to normal stresses
that might exist in these areas. On a positive note, there
are also increased chances for support, which can be especially
helpful in times of stress and uncertainty.
- Differences
between methods of coping-One generation may react to
economic situations more conservatively, while the other
may be willing to take more risks.
- Decision
making-The need for crucial decisions to be made frequently,
often with little time to gather all the facts, contributes
to conflicts. Who makes decisions? Is someone blamed if
decisions turn out to be poor ones?
These
are just seven issues that create conflict in two-generation
families in business together. Did your responses to the question
above touch on any of these issues?
Now
that you know a little more about the nature of conflict,
let's consider how to manage it effectively. To begin, it
is important to examine the different ways individuals behave
in attempting to resolve conflicts.
Experience
in relating with others shows that every-one reacts just a
little differently when conflicts arise. That is what makes
life interesting. What is your style of resolving conflict?
Here's an activity to help you identify your style:
Directions
Place
a check beside the group of characteristics that best describes
you. Do this activity individually. It need not be shared
with others. Be honest with yourself. Check only one category.
- A.
Do you:
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Try to overpower opponents by forcing them to accept
your solution to the conflict?
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Consider your goals of high importance, while the relationship
is of minor importance?
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Seek to achieve goals at all costs?
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Assume conflicts are settled by one person winning and
one person losing?
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Attempt to win by overpowering or intimidating others?
- B.
Do you:
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Feel somewhat concerned with your own goals and your
relationships with others?
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Seek a compromise?
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Give up part of your goals and persuade the other person
to give up part of his/her goals?
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Sacrifice part of your goal in order to find agreement
for the common good?
- C.
Do you:
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Feel the relationship is of great importance, while
your own goals are of little importance?
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Want to be accepted and liked by others?
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Think that conflict should be avoided in favor of harmony?
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Believe that conflicts cannot be discussed without damaging
relationships?
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Give up your goals to preserve the relationship?
- D.
Do you:
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Withdraw into a shell to avoid conflicts?
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Give up personal goals and relationships to avoid conflicts?
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Avoid conflict issues and people you are in conflict
with.
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Feel it is hopeless to try to resolve conflicts?
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Believe it is easier to withdraw (physically and psychologically)
from a conflict than to face it?
- E.
Do you:
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Highly value your own goals and relationships?
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Seek a solution that achieves both your goals and the
goals of the other person?
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See conflict as improving relationships by reducing
tension between two people?
If you
chose A, your style could be characterized as a "shark."
Sharks tend to use force, causing the other side to give in.
This creates a winner and a loser. The shark has a deep personal
interest in the out-come of the conflict, but does not care
much about the needs of others involved.
If you
chose B, your style could be characterized as a "fox."
Foxes use compromise, or bargaining behavior in which each
side obtains part of what it wants. An attempt is made to
find an answer in which gains and losses of both parties are
equal. This style leaves interests and needs of each person
only partially satisfied.
If you
chose C, your style could be characterized as a "teddy
bear." Teddy bears tend to smooth things over and fail
to confront areas of conflict. This person probably does not
have as much personal interest or stake in the conflict, but
does care about the needs of others.
If you
chose D, your style could be characterized as a "turtle."
Turtles withdraw to avoid the conflict situation entirely.
Little attempt is made to satisfy either their personal needs
or the needs of others.
If you
chose E, your style could be characterized as an "owl."
Wise owls use problem-solving behavior in which both sides
meet their needs at a level sufficient to avoid feelings
of losing. Everyone wins; conflict is reduced or eliminated.
This style requires the full understanding of all viewpoints.
Most
people have a few characteristics of more than one style and
may even behave differently depending on the person with whom
they may be in conflict. Generally, however one category emerges.
Many people, wanting a more effective style, work toward the
owl or problem-solving approach. With this approach, parties
in the conflict collaborate in solving the conflict.
Collaboration promotes an understanding of everyone's perspective;
increases communication, cooperation, and interdependence;
and instills a feeling of integrity, trust, and mutual support.
Here
is a step-by-step strategy for resolving conflict that uses
collaboration.
1.
State the problem-Ask yourself, "What is the problem?"
Be as specific as possible, giving attention to as many facets
of the problem as possible. One author said, "A problem well-defined
is half solved." It may also help to separate this problem
from your feelings about it. The problem may be the feelings
associated with a particular issue, rather than the issue
itself. It is also important to avoid offering solutions.
Suggesting solutions at this point can cause you to avoid
stating what is really bothering you. Other questions you
might ask yourself as you define the problem are:
- Am
I stating the real problem?
- How
do I know it is a problem?
- Is
the situation a problem or is it my reaction to the situation
that makes it a problem?
- Is
there more than one problem?
- Why
is it a problem?
- If
nothing is done, what will happen? (Is there really a problem?)
2.
Who is involved-Who is part of the problem and, perhaps,
the solution? Who is affected by the problem? List everyone
involved and then identify the main characters.
3.
Examine your values related to the problem- What are some
of your needs and concerns related to the issue at hand? Why
are they important to you? Which are the most important? This
step helps to clarify the problem. It also brings out differences
and similarities of interests between the persons involved.
4.
Brainstorm solutions-Gather as many solutions to the problem
as the group can generate. It helps to list them on a large
piece of paper. It is important not to judge any potential
solutions. Accept all ideas from everyone as worthy of consideration
regardless of how ridiculous they may seem.
5.
Rank the solutions-Using the values identified in Step
3, everyone should rank the various solutions. Those involved
should then be able to identify those potential solutions
that would be acceptable to all individuals concerned. New
solutions may be identified by combining already proposed
ideas.
6.
Through consensus, identify a solution-Every-one should
agree on the potential solution. Avoid voting because this
sets up a win-lose situation. If agreement on a solution cannot
be reached, go back to Step 4 or wait awhile and let feelings
settle down before proceeding again. Most problems don't need
to be solved immediately.
7.
Troubleshoot the decision-Ask questions like, "Why won't
this idea work? What are some of the obstacles? What could
go wrong?" Try to satisfy yourself that in spite of these
obstacles, the solution chosen has a reasonable chance of
solving the conflict. Implement your solution to the conflict.
It is helpful to think of all solutions as temporary. Be open
to going through the process again if it seems that the solution
is not working like you thought it would.
Put the Process
into Action
Like
any new skill, learning collaboration takes practice.
As a family, choose a minor area of conflict to practice the
seven steps. Here are some additional suggestions to increase
your chances of success.
- As
a family, agree that now is a good time to attempt to resolve
the conflict. Use "prime time" when energy is high and motivation
is positive. Avoid attempts to resolve conflicts when one
member is angry or tired.
- Stay
in the present. Do not engage in coercion or fault-finding
from the past.
- There
must be an underlying attitude of respect, caring, forgiveness,
and goodwill.
- Provide
"face-saving" mechanisms. Don't corner the other person.
Allow a "time out" if emotion gets too high. Set a time
to resume again.
A
conflict has been helpful if:
- You
are able to work better with others after the conflict;
- You
and the others involved feel better about each other after
the conflict;
- You
and the others are satisfied with the results of the conflict;
- Your
ability to resolve future conflicts with others has been
enhanced;
- You
know more about the issue under discussion; and
- You
feel your point of view has been heard.
This
process has been discussed as a way for many families to approach
conflict creatively. It does not offer specific answers but
rather has suggested a process by which families can
work through their conflicts. Understanding more about family
stress and ways families can cope with it is the focus of
Lesson 5.
Alive
and Aware: How to Improve Your Relationships Through Better
Communication by S. Miller, E. Nunnally and D. Wackman,
Minneapolis, Minn.: Interpersonal Communication, Inc., 1975.
The
Art of Problem Solving by R. Carkhuff, Amherst, Mass.:
Human Resource Development Press, 1973.
Bradshaw
on the Family: A Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery by
J. Bradshaw, Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications,
Inc., 1988.
Transitions
by W. Bridges, Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley Publishing
Company, 1988.
Study Questions
Lesson
4
Resolving Family Conflicts
1. Some
people feel that compromise is an effective method for dealing
with conflict. Why is collaboration a more effective method?
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2. A
friend has recently mentioned to you that he tries to avoid
conflict at all times. What might you say to him about conflict?
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3. What
is at the root of all conflict?
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4. What
one issue is a major source of conflict in two-generation
families in business together?
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5. Stating
the problem (Step 1 in the conflict resolution process) is
crucial to the success of the process. What are some questions
you can ask to help clarify the problem?
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Study Answers
Lesson
4
Resolving Family Conflicts
1. Although
compromise can be useful, it can also build frustration and
mistrust. Parties involved may become frustrated when their
needs are only partially met. With collaboration, openness
and honesty are encouraged. Because this approach seeks to
meet everyone's needs, information is shared freely and without
suspicion. Power is shared equally.
2. Although
we think of conflict as negative, there can be some positive
aspects of conflict. For example, conflict can lead to change
and motivate you to do your best. It can also cause a decision
to be thought out more carefully. Life could be pretty boring
without some conflict.
3. Conflict
between people develops when there is a struggle over values
and claims to scarce status, power, or resources. When two
people have different values or goals and it is perceived
that satisfying one person's needs will directly thwart the
other person from meeting his or her needs, conflict develops.
4. The
issue of power or authority has the most potential for conflict
in the two-generation family. Who has control? This struggle
for power can affect virtually every decision related to the
family business.
5. What
will happen if I don't deal with this? Is the situation a
problem, or is it my reaction to the situation? How do I know
it's a problem? Why is it a problem?
The
Two Generation Farm Family by N. Vester, Alberta, Canada:
Rural Development Studies, October 1981. "Interaction in
Farm Families: Tensions and Stress" by P. Rosenblatt and R.
Anderson in The Family in Rural Society, Coward and
Smith (ed.) Boulder Colo.: Westview Press, 1981.
"Creative
Conflict Resolution" by D. Cushman in Forum Magazine,
New York, N.Y.: J.C. Penney Co., 1983.
Managing
Conflict Successfully by H. Lingren, Lincoln, Neb.: Cooperative
Extension Service, Nebguide HEG 83-181, September 1983.
Disclaimer
and Reproduction Information: Information in NASD does not
represent NIOSH policy. Information included in NASD appears
by permission of the author and/or copyright holder. More
NASD Review: 04/2002
The
Clemson University Cooperative Extension Service offers its
programs to people of all ages, regardless of race, color,
sex, religion, national origin, or disability and is an equal
opportunity employer.
Clemson
University Cooperating with U.S. Department of Agriculture
and South Carolina Counties. Issued in Furtherance of Cooperative
Extension Work in Agriculture and Home Economics, Acts of
May 8 and June 30, 1914.
This
lesson was revised by Brenda J. Thames, EdD, Program Development
Specialist, and Deborah J. Thomason, EdD, Family and Youth
Development Specialist, Department of Family and Youth Development.
These materials were originally adapted by Lucy J. Pearson
from the "Stress on the Farm Home Study Course" prepared by
Jeanne Trachta, Randy Weigel, and Barb Abbott, Cooperative
Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science and Technology.
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