Daphne and all

I've been thinking about this and wonder if there has been a lack of
response for the reasons that I've hesitated to answer..

I think first of all that none of us can know what is best for anyone else,
but it does seem that you'd done everything you could do to ensure that the
woman you were talking to understood that she had some choices, if limited
ones - and in suggesting that she call you, some might say you enabled her
to exercise at least one of those choices on her own (again, possibly)
limited terms.  This encounter could be the first time that she was given
some small control over what to do - it could well be that others have
rarely, if ever, given her some semblance of choice, or that she may have
felt that she'd either have to commit to going to school on your terms or
not at all.

it's impossible to know what prevented her from calling you back but my own
feeling is that she may be at least one step closer to understanding that
school could be an option for her when and as she's able to enroll.

Most common wisdom holds that no one can really 'make' someone leave an
abusive relationship; however, your telling her that her own safety actually
counts may be part of a much bigger and more complex process that one hopes
she will undertake if she does feel herself able to leave .  Without knowing
more, it seems you've done everything you could to serve her best interests.

Janet Isserlis


> She told me that it was okay to call, but that her partner does not

> like her to get phone calls. This immediately raised a red flag for me. I told

> her that I did not want to put her in harms' way, that if she would be safer

> if I did not call, I should not call. She said ok. We then talked about when

> the class would meet and I asked her if she thought she could attend the

> class. ... She said that he would

>  not trust that she is coming to class, and would think that she is meeting a

> lover. I reminded her that I did not want to put her in harm's way, that she

> needed to keep safety in mind at all times, and asked her if it would help if

> her partner met the teacher and saw that she was really going to be part of a

> class. She said that that may be a good idea, she would think about that. I

> also suggested that she could show him the form that I was giving her, which

> states the nature of the research project and provides my name as a contact.

> She liked that. Once again I reminded her that she needs to do what is right

> for her. If she is too scared to join the class because she may be unsafe, as

> long as she is with him, she probably should take her fear very seriously and

> pay attention to it. Maybe now is not the time to join my class if she does

> not feel safe. We ended it with me not calling her, but her calling me to find

> out about next steps. She never called, and I never saw her again.

> My reactions/questions:



> I was very shaken during this exchange. On the one hand, I did not want to pry

> and ask for more information. On the other hand, I wondered if I should. Was I

> protecting myself by not asking or was I protecting her by not pushing for

> more than she was willing to share? Would my responses to her have changed if

> I knew that he was being physically abusive to her?

> Anyway, I could go on and on, providing more details about the process and my

> reactions, but I don't want this posting to be too long. If appropriate, I

> will add more information in response to people's responses. I am curious, if

> anyone has anything to share about the above, or anything related that they

> would like to share about their own experiences.

> Thanks,

> Daphne

>