Children and Grief
Children’s Grief and Developmental Stages
Infants
Age 2-3 years
Age 3-6 years
Age 6-9 years
Ages 9 and older
Other Issues for Grieving Children
Did I cause the death to happen?
Is it going to happen to me?
Who is going to take care of me?
Grieving Children: Treatment
Explanation of death
Correct language
Planning memorial ceremonies
References and resources for grieving children
In the past, children were thought to be miniature adults and were expected to
behave as adults. It is now understood that there are differences in the ways
in which children and adults mourn.
Unlike adults, bereaved children do not experience continual and intense
emotional and behavioral grief reactions. Children may seem to show grief only
occasionally and briefly, but in reality a child’s grief usually lasts longer
than that of an adult. This may be explained by the fact that a child’s
ability to experience intense emotions is limited. Mourning in children may
need to be addressed again and again as the child gets older. Since
bereavement is a process that continues over time, children will think about
the loss repeatedly, especially during important times in their life, such as
going to camp, graduating from school, getting married, or giving birth to
their own children.
A child’s grief may be influenced by his or her age, personality, stage of
development, earlier experiences with death, and his or her relationship with
the deceased. The surroundings, cause of death, family members’ ability to
communicate with one another and to continue as a family after the death can
also affect grief. The child’s ongoing need for care, the child’s opportunity
to share his or her feelings and memories, the parent’s ability to cope with
stress, and the child’s steady relationships with other adults are also other
factors that may influence grief.
Children do not react to loss in the same ways as adults. Grieving children
may not show their feelings as openly as adults. Grieving children may not
withdraw and dwell on the person who died, but instead may throw themselves
into activities (for example, they may be sad one minute and playful the next).
Often families think the child doesn’t really understand or has gotten over
the death. Neither is true; children’s minds protect them from what is too
powerful for them to handle. Children’s grieving periods are shortened because
they cannot think through their thoughts and feelings like adults. Also,
children have trouble putting their feelings about grief into words. Instead,
his or her behavior speaks for the child. Strong feelings of anger and fears
of abandonment or death may show up in the behavior of grieving children.
Children often play death games as a way of working out their feelings and anxieties. These games are familiar to the children and provide safe
opportunities to express their feelings.
Children’s Grief and Developmental Stages
Children at different stages of development have different understandings of
death and the events near death.
Infants
Infants do not recognize death, but feelings of loss and separation are part of
developing an awareness of death. Children who have been separated from their
mother may be sluggish, quiet, unresponsive to a smile or a coo, undergo
physical changes (for example, weight loss), be less active, and sleep less.
Age 2-3 years
Children at this age often confuse death with sleep and may experience anxiety as early as age 3. They may stop talking and appear to feel overall distress.
Age 3-6 years
At this age children see death as a kind of sleep; the person is alive, but
only in a limited way. The child cannot fully separate death from life.
Children may think that the person is still living, even though he or she might
have been buried, and ask questions about the deceased (for example, how does
the deceased eat, go to the toilet, breathe, or play?). Young children know
that death occurs physically, but think it is temporary, reversible, and not
final. The child’s concept of death may involve magical thinking. For
example, the child may think that his or her thoughts can cause another person
to become sick or die. Grieving children under 5 may have trouble eating,
sleeping, and controlling bladder and bowel functions.
Age 6-9 years
Children at this age are commonly very curious about death, and may ask
questions about what happens to one’s body when it dies. Death is thought of
as a person or spirit separate from the person who was alive, such as a
skeleton, ghost, angel of death, or bogeyman. They may see death as final
and frightening but as something that happens mostly to old people (and not to
themselves). Grieving children can become afraid of school, have learning
problems, develop antisocial or aggressive behaviors, become overly concerned
about their own health (for example, developing symptoms of imaginary illness),
or withdraw from others. Or, children this age can become too attached and
clinging. Boys usually become more aggressive and destructive (for example,
acting out in school), instead of openly showing their sadness. When a parent
dies children may feel abandoned by both their deceased parent and their
surviving parent because the surviving parent is grieving and is unable to
emotionally support the child.
Ages 9 and older
By the time a child is 9 years old, death is known to be unavoidable and is not
seen as a punishment. By the time a child is 12 years old, death is seen as
final and something that happens to everyone.
Grief and Developmental Stages
Age
|
Understanding of Death
|
Expressions of Grief
|
Infancy to 2 years |
Is not yet able to understand death. |
Quietness, crankiness, decreased activity, poor sleep, and weight
loss. |
Separation from mother causes changes. |
2-6 years |
Death is like sleeping. |
Asks many questions (How does she go to the bathroom? How does she eat?). |
Problems in eating, sleeping, and bladder and bowel control. |
Fear of abandonment. |
Tantrums. |
Dead person continues to live
and function in some ways. |
Magical thinking (Did I think something or do something that caused the death? Like when I said I hate you and I wish you would die?). |
Death is temporary, not final. |
Dead person can come back to life. |
6-9 years |
Death is thought of as a person or spirit (skeleton, ghost, bogeyman). |
Curious about death. |
Asks specific questions. |
May have exaggerated fears about
school. |
Death is final and frightening. |
May have aggressive behaviors
(especially boys). |
Some concerns about imaginary
illnesses. |
Death happens to others, it won’t happen to ME. |
May feel abandoned. |
9 and older |
Everyone will die. |
Heightened emotions, guilt,
anger, shame. |
Increased anxiety over own death. |
Mood swings. |
Death is final and cannot be changed. |
Fear of rejection; not wanting to
be different from peers. |
Even I will die. |
Changes in eating habits. |
Sleeping problems. |
Regressive behaviors (loss of
interest in outside activities).
|
Impulsive behaviors. |
Feels guilty about being alive
(especially related to death of a
brother, sister, or peer). |
In American society, many grieving adults withdraw and do not talk to others.
Children, however, often talk to the people around them (even strangers) to see
the reactions of others and to get clues for their own responses. Children may
ask confusing questions. For example, a child may ask, "I know grandpa died,
but when will he come home?" This is a way of testing reality and making sure
the story of the death has not changed.
Other Issues for Grieving Children
Children’s grief expresses 3 issues:
- Did I cause the death to happen?
- Is it going to happen to me?
- Who is going to take care of me?
Did I cause the death to happen?
Children often think that they have magical powers. If a mother says in
irritation, "You’ll be the death of me" and later dies, her child may wonder if
he or she actually caused the mother’s death. Also, when children argue, one
may say (or think), "I wish you were dead." Should that child die, the
surviving child may think that his or her thoughts actually caused the death.
Is it going to happen to me?
The death of another child may be especially hard for a child. If the child
thinks that the death may have been prevented (by either a parent or a doctor)
the child may think that he or she could also die.
Who is going to take care of me?
Since children depend on parents and other adults to take care of them, a
grieving child may wonder who will care for him or her after the death of an
important person.
Grieving Children: Treatment
A child’s grieving process may be made easier by being open and honest with the
child about death, using direct language, and incorporating the child into
memorial ceremonies for the person who died.
Explanation of death
Not talking about death (which indicates that the subject is off-limits) does
not help children learn to cope with loss. When discussing death with
children, explanations should be simple and direct. Each child should be told
the truth using as much detail as he or she is able to understand. The child’s
questions should be answered honestly and directly. Children need to be
reassured about their own security (they often worry that they will also die,
or that their surviving parent will go away). Children’s questions should be
answered, making sure that the child understands the answers.
Correct language
A discussion about death should include the proper words, such as cancer,
died, and death. Substitute words or phrases (for example, “he passed away,”
“he is sleeping,” or “we lost him”) should never be used because they can
confuse children and lead to misunderstandings.
Planning memorial ceremonies
When a death occurs, children can and should be included in the planning and
participation of memorial ceremonies. These events help children (and adults)
remember loved ones. Children should not be forced to be involved in these
ceremonies, but they should be encouraged to take part in those portions of the
events with which they feel most comfortable. If the child wants to attend the
funeral, wake, or memorial service, he or she should be given in advance a full
explanation of what to expect. The surviving parent may be too involved in his
or her own grief to give their child full attention, therefore, it may be
helpful to have a familiar adult or family member care for the grieving child.
References and resources for grieving children
There are many helpful books and videos that can be shared with grieving
children:
- Worden JW: Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies. New York: The Guilford
Press, 1996.
- Doka KJ, Ed.: Children Mourning, Mourning Children. Washington, DC:
Hospice Foundation of America, 1995.
- Wass H, Corr CA: Childhood and Death. Washington, DC: Hemisphere Publishing
Corporation, 1984.
- Corr CA, McNeil JN: Adolescence and Death. New York: Springer Publishing
Company, 1986.
- Corr, CA, Nabe CM, Corr DM: Death and Dying, Life and Living. 2nd ed.,
Pacific Grove: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, 1997.
- Grollman EA: Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child. 3rd
ed., Boston: Beacon Press, 1990.
- Schaefer D, Lyons C: How Do We Tell The Children?: Helping Children
Understand And Cope When Someone Dies. New York: Newmarket Press, 1988.
- Wolfelt A: Helping Children Cope with Grief. Muncie: Accelerated
Development, 1983.
- Walker A: To Hell with Dying. San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1988.
- Williams M: Velveteen Rabbit. Garden City: Doubleday, 1922.
- Viost J: The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. New York: Atheneum, 1971.
- Tiffault BW: A Quilt for Elizabeth. Omaha: Centering Corporation, 1992.
- Levine J: Forever in My Heart: A Story to Help Children Participate in Life
as a Parent Dies. Burnsville, NC: Rainbow Connection, 1992.
- Knoderer K: Memory Book: A Special Way to Remember Someone You Love.
Warminster: Mar-Co Products, 1995.
- de Paola T: Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs. New York, NY: GP Putnam’s
Sons, 1973.
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