Talking to Children About Going to WarParents in the militaryGiven the current state of world politics, many more families are exposed to disquieting news of wars and the possibility of separation from loved ones. Going to war is the most serious decision governments and societies make. The impact of such a decision is acutely personal as well as social, affecting many aspects of normal life patterns. Deployed military personnel face talking to their children about why they have to leave, where they are going, what they are going to do, risks associated with their assignment, and how long they will be away. Emotions and distress may run high because of the temporary loss of an important family member. Civilian parentsEven though they may not be facing separation from a parent, children of civilians may have generalized concerns and fears. Parents will need to respond to these concerns from children who may be learning about war from media images or reports of ongoing conflicts, or from other sources including friends and school. Children may know someone who has a parent or loved one participating in the conflict, and they may be concerned for that person's safety. The everyday security of family life may be challenged. The stresses of warImmediate stressors sometimes seem insurmountable, yet families who respond well or learn from difficult times gain strength for coping in the future. This appears to be the case for children as well. The temporary loss of an adult, even in the adverse conditions of a war, may be a challenge that improves lifetime coping and adaptive skills if handled in a supportive family atmosphere (Jensen & Shaw, 1996). Parents can teach their children good listening and communication skills, respect and support for differing opinions, and ways to manage fears and anxieties by taking the time to listen, observe, and talk to their children about what is happening around them. Protecting children from undue fearAs adults, we can learn to talk to our children about war, using language that is understandable, does not hide the truth, and is consistent with values we want our children to learn. However, it is important that we also take the time to discuss and share our own concerns and fears with other adults, loved ones, friends or counselors, so we are sure not to overburden our children. Seeking social support from adults outside of the family is one way to manage our own stress. We want to protect children from unnecessary worries and concerns and provide them with a sense of security and safety. Researchers have found that parents who are able to handle disturbing, traumatic, or conflicting issues can serve as an active buffer against undue anxiety and distress for the child (Altshuler & Ruble, 1989). Vulnerability to stress and risk factorsIf children have experienced recent traumatic events in their lives, including disasters or losses of any kind or difficulties in school or with friends, they may be particularly vulnerable to any changes in their sense of safety. Look for signs of increased stress. (See below for ways of dealing with these reactions.) Reactions to look for:
How do children understand what war means?Children will vary in the ways they respond to warA child's sense of morality grows and changes according to his or her age and intellectual development. Even from ages 4, 5, and 6, children are developing a strong sense of what is right and wrong and are learning how to solve interpersonal conflicts without violence. The knowledge of war, seeing adults break those rules, can violate and disturb their growing sense of fairness and justice. Most children have concerns and fears about war, but children whose parents are away on active duty may react differently from civilian children or children whose parents are in the reserves. Researchers have found that children with parents on active duty tend to worry more and be afraid and sad. Civilian children and reservists' children are likely to be more concerned about issues of right and wrong (Ryan-Wenger, 2001). The child's need for safety and supportDuring war, the safety and predictability of a child's social and family worlds may be endangered. Children may have fears that the parent or other loved family member who is deployed may die in the war, and even if no close family member is affected, they may still have a sense of threat to their safety (Ryan-Wenger, 2001). News of combat losses may be broadcasted in the media. Younger children should be shielded from this kind of exposure as much as possible, because it will needlessly increase their apprehension of events they don't understand. Children should also be assured that everything is being done to bring their loved one home safely and to protect families at home. Adolescents may be better able to comprehend these events, but even they will need assurances and comfort. War is not a gameChildren may play at war, acting out the parts of heroes and villains, and create good outcomes where the "bad guys" are beaten. This does not mean that they are comfortable with or understand real events. Children play best and most creatively when they feel safe. When they feel real threats or the danger of losing a parent, their play is more likely to be anxious and sad. Play doesn't really give them the solutions or answers they need for their fears and concerns. Children need adults who can address those issues and help them work through their fears. Pay attention to your child or teenagerParents should pay attention to how their children are playing. If games end with distressing emotions like sadness, aggression, or heightened anxiety, help the child work out more positive solutions. Make sure you are available for your children. Helping them during this time will be more effective than staying glued to hourly news accounts and bulletins during the day. One researcher found that a service member's 3-year-old expressed sadness that her mother watched television instead of paying attention to her. She had to deal with the actual absence of her dad in the war and the emotional absence of her mom at home (Jensen & Shaw, 1996). Stay close to your child and be observant of behavior that may express stress. Teenagers may deal with anxiety by engaging in risky behavior. How can adults best address the concerns of children?Children need a real message about what is happening around them. Above all, they need to be assured that adults will take care of them as well as they can. Talk about the war when you sense your child has concernsTake the time and the space to address this serious issue. Remember that communication can only strengthen your family. Be truthful and honest regardless of the age of your child, without overburdening him or her. Children are very good at knowing when things or issues are being hidden from them. Use language that your children can understand
Talk about feelings
Make your child feel as secure as possible
Cultivate a family atmosphere that is respectful
Provide reassurance about the futureBe hopeful about the future. "Yes these are hard times, but we are hopeful that people will be able to overcome their differences and live more peacefully in the future." Helping children cope with warSuggest ways that your children can participate in activities that may decrease their fears and encourage positive and active coping. Children identify with other children from other parts of the world that they see on the news or in movies. They feel threatened when those children may be harmed. Emphasize that adults are doing all they can to avoid the harmful consequences of war. It can help to point out activities of relief organizations like the United Nations and Red Cross. Help children get involved in aid to children in war-torn countries through activities like fundraising, toy and clothes drives, and letter writing. If you reinforce the values of caring adults and communities, it will help offset the disturbing news of war.
If stress becomes unmanageable, seek support from family assistance centers and counselors available to your branch of military service. They will understand and may direct you to support groups that can help as well. It may be helpful for children to talk in groups with other children whose parents are deployed. Children's FictionMyers, W. D. (2002). Patrol, an American soldier in Vietnam. New York: Harper Collins (ages 8-12). Books and ArticlesAltshuler, J., & Ruble, D. (1989). Developmental changes in children's awareness for coping with uncontrollable stress. Child Development, 60, 1337-1349. Baker, A.M. (1990). The psychological impact of the Intifada on Palestinian children in the occupied West Bank and Gaza: An exploratory study. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 60, 496-505. Curry, S. & Russ, S. (1985). Identifying coping strategies in children. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 14, 61-69. Frank, M., Shanfield, S., & Evans, H. (1981). The in-and-out parent: Strategies for managing re-entry stress. Military Medicine, 146, 846-49. Handford, H., Mayes, S., Mattison, R., Humphrey, F., Bagnato, S., Bixler, E., et al. (1986). Child and parent reaction to the Three Mile Island nuclear accident. Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 25, 346-356. Jensen, P., & Shaw, J. (1996). The effects of war and parental deployment upon children and adolescents. In R.J. Ursano & A.E. Norwood (Eds.), Emotional aftermath of the Persian Gulf War: Veterans, families, communities, and nations (pp. 83-110). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press. Koubovi, D. (1982). Therapeutic teaching of literature during the war and its aftermath. In C.D. Spielberger, I.G. Sarason, & N.A. Milgram (Eds.), Stress and Anxiety, Vol. 8. (pp. 345-350). Washington, DC: Hemisphere. Ryan-Wenger, N.A. (2001). Impact of the threat of war on children in military families. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 71, 236-244. Ursano, R.J. & Norwood, A.E. (Eds). (1996). Emotional aftermath of the Persian Gulf War: Veterans, families, communities, and nations. Washington DC: American Psychiatric Press. |