Responding to Domestic Violence:
Where Federal Employees Can Find Help

Section III

• For the Concerned Friend or Co-Worker: How You can Help Someone You think is being Abused
  • Know the Possible Indicators of Domestic Violence
  • Express Concern
  • Respond in a Supportive Manner
  • Quicklist

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For the Concerned Friend or Co-Worker: How You can Help Someone You Think is being Abused

This section of the guide is written for friends or co-workers concerned about someone they suspect is being abused. As a concerned friend or co-worker, your willingness to help can be important to a victim in her safety planning efforts. Being willing and well-intentioned is good; being prepared to offer the kind of help people need in these situations is even better.

Don't refrain from helping just because the employee's manager seems to be working constructively with the situation. Friends or co-workers can help in ways the manager cannot. For professional reasons, the manager must be careful about intruding on an employee's privacy, while you, as a friend, may be able to approach difficult but necessary topics in an appropriate way. And there may be issues the employee would find easier to discuss with you than with a supervisor.

Know the Possible Indicators of Domestic Violence

The effects of domestic violence on victims are far-reaching and can emerge in many different ways. Being aware of these effects will not only help you better understand a woman's experience, but will help you better identify women who may be battered.

Visible physical injury, including:

• bruises, cuts, burns, human bite marks, and fractures especially of the eyes, nose, teeth, and jaw,

• injuries during pregnancy, miscarriage, or premature births,

• injuries that go untreated,

• multiple injuries in different stages of healing, and

• inappropriate clothing or accessory, possibly worn to cover signs of injury (e.g., long sleeves on a hot day or sunglasses may be worn to cover bruises)

Illnesses, such as

• stress-related ailments such as headaches, backaches, stomach distress, problems sleeping, overeating/under eating, and low energy,
• anxiety-related conditions, such as a racing heart or overwhelming feelings of panic, and
• less commonly, depression, suicidal thoughts or attempts, and alcohol or other drug problems

"Personal problems," such as:

• marital or "family" problems,
• alcohol or other drug addiction, and
• "mental health" problems

Problems at work, such as:

• attendance problems or problems getting work finished,
• on-the-job harassment by abuser, either in person or over the phone,
• withdrawal from co-workers, and
• increasing numbers of personal calls

Express Concern

It's important not to assume that someone is being abused, but if you have good reason to believe that someone is being abused, you could help by simply expressing concern and letting her know that you are available to help. One of the common myths about people in abusive relationships is that they don't want to talk about their victimization. While many people do attempt to hide the fact that they are in an abusive relationship, they often do so because they fear embarrassment, their partner finding out, being blamed, not being believed, or being pressured to do something they're not ready or able to do. Directly asking a woman in private, without judgment, without pressure, and even without expectation that she will trust you enough to disclose, relieves her of the burden of coming forward on her own, and can tell her a lot about your concern, caring, and willingness to help.

Keep it simple. If there are specific observations that are the source of your concern, you might say something like, "I noticed 'x, y and z.' I'm concerned about you and wonder if there is something I can do to help." Or, "It seems like you're stressed out and unhappy. If you want to talk about it now or some other time, I'll be happy to listen."

People are sometimes hesitant to approach a woman about their concern for her safety because they feel that it is "none of their business," or that their offer of help will be unwelcome. But the notion that "what happens behind closed doors" is off limits has contributed greatly to women's isolation from help and support. Your risk of being rebuffed is relatively minor in comparison to the risk of contributing to her isolation.

A woman in an abusive relationship may open up to a friend who, in private, expresses concern about her.

Co-workers Jackie and Paula became pregnant at about the same time, both with their first babies. Their friendship deepened as they spent their breaks together, comparing notes, sharing their hopes, and amassing a huge collection of baby equipment catalogues. When Paula returned from maternity leave, she found Jackie changed. Jackie got the work done, but she didn't want to talk, didn't bring in baby pictures, and showed only perfunctory interest in Paula's.

Deeply hurt and fearful that she had offended her friend, Paula turned to her rabbi for advice. He said, "It sounds to me like something is wrong in Jackie's life, and she probably needs your friendship more than ever. Maybe something's the matter with her baby; maybe they're in financial trouble. You won't know until you ask. And you need to remember that sometimes pregnancy and childbirth can trigger family violence."

He went on to help Paula develop a plan for talking with Jackie. Paula pulled her courage together, arranged a meeting with Jackie in an unused conference room, and got as far as, "You're my friend and I'm terribly worried about you...." before she burst into tears.

Jackie started crying too, and between sobs told Paula how her husband had begun abusing her after she returned from the hospital. After regaining their composure, they went together to the Employee Assistance Program, where Jackie could begin to get help in sorting out her options.

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Respond in a Supportive Manner

There are many things you can do to prepare yourself to offer supportive and empowering assistance to a person in an abusive relationship.

• Educate yourself about domestic violence - read this guide, talk to a domestic violence advocate, read some of the materials listed in the back of this book.

• Initiate a conversation in private and when you have enough time to talk with her at length, if she chooses to.

• Let go of any expectations you have that there is a "quick fix" to domestic violence or to the obstacles a woman faces. Understand that a woman's "inaction" may very well be her best safety strategy at any given time.

• Challenge and change any inaccurate attitudes and beliefs that you may have about people in abusive relationships.

People in abusive relationships aren't battered because there's something wrong with them. Rather, they are people who've become trapped in relationships by their partners' use of violence and coercion. The better able you are to recognize and build on the resilience, courage, resourcefulness and decision-making abilities of a person in this situation, the better able you will be to help them.

• Believe her and let her know that you do. If you know her partner, remember that abusers most often behave differently in public than they do in private.

• Listen to what she tells you. If you actively listen, ask clarifying questions, and avoid making judgments and giving advice, you will most likely learn directly from her what it is she needs.

• Build on her strengths. Based on the information she gives you and your own observations, actively identify the ways in which she has developed coping strategies, solved problems, and exhibited courage and determination, even if her efforts have not been completely successful. Help her to build on these strengths.

• Validate her feelings. It is common for women to have conflicting feelings of love and fear, guilt and anger, hope and sadness. Let her know that her feelings are normal and reasonable.

• Avoid victim-blaming. Tell her that the abuse is not her fault. Reinforce that the abuse is her partner's problem and his responsibility, but refrain from "bad-mouthing" him.

• Take her fears seriously. If you are concerned about her safety, express your concern without judgment by simply saying, "Your situation sounds dangerous and I'm concerned about your safety."

• Offer help. As appropriate, offer specific forms of help and information. If she asks you to do something you're willing and able to do, do it. If you can't or don't want to, say so and help her identify other ways to have that need met. Then look for other ways that you can help.

• Support her decisions. Remember that there are risks attached to every decision a person in an abusive relationship makes. If you truly want to be helpful, be patient and respectful of the woman's decisions, even if you don't agree with her.

Quicklist

DO	DON'T
Ask	Wait for her to come to you
Express concern	Judge or blame
Listen and validate	Pressure her
Offer help	Give advice
Support her decisions	Place conditions on your support

"Domestic violence flourishes because of silence, because the problem stays hidden and, in some subtle but powerful way, acceptable. We must make this a public concern and demonstrate that we will not tolerate it any longer." -- Esta Soler, Executive Director of the Family Violence Prevention Fund