Deployment Guide
For Families of Deploying Soldiers

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Family Readiness Groups | Separation | Reunion

SEPARATION AND REUNION HANDBOOK

The Five Phases of Reunion
Reducing Homecoming Strain
Problem Solving Steps
Fighting Fair

The Long awaited Homecoming and the readjustment period

This page discusses some of what you can expect during the final stage of deployment. You may find yourself having the ups and downs starting a few weeks prior to the member's return. The adjustment period also lasts about 6 to 8 weeks, possibly longer. Most military Families find that reunions are more stressful than the separation. This is true with all military members: couples with children, single parents, and single Soldiers who are coming back to friends and Family.
 

1. PRE-ENTRY is the first few days before your reunion. You're working long hours to ensure equipment has been turned in and that your work is caught up before arriving home. Things to expect in this phase are:
Fantasies Excitement Work Planning Thoughts
2. REUNION is the immediate meeting and the first few days after your arrival. This is the time of courtship, relearning, intimacy, and a happy time or honeymoon. This is not the time to address problems. It is a time for understanding. Things to expect in this phase are:
Physical changes Courting again Social events Immediate excitement Pride in each other	Intimacy and sex Tiredness - readiness for relaxation Inclusion of children Allowing time and space
3. DISRUPTION as problems surface, expectations of a Normal Family Life go down. This is the time the problems come up. If there was a good reunion, these problems will eloquently or diplomatically surface. Things to expect in this phase are:
Independence Differences Routine Finances Control Thoughts Trust	Jealousy Hard times stories Gifts Decision making Unresolved problems/issues Children issues (Issues/Changes/Growth)
4. COMMUNICATION is a time of renegotiating new routines, reconnecting, redefining Family roles, acceptance of control and decision making. New rules will be established. Things to expect in this phase are:
Renegotiation Trust Reconnection Acceptance Explaination of new rules
5. NORMAL - Back to the normal Family routine of sharing, growing, and experiencing the ups and downs, happiness and sadness of a Family. Things to expect in this phase are:
Establishment of Routines Acceptance of change Personal growth

Feelings and Behaviours that Affect the Family's Adjustment to Parent Absence:   POST-DEPLOYMENT
Any combination of these FEELINGS	Could lead to any of these BEHAVIORS
PARENTS:
Fear of infidelity Let down (fantasy of reunion doesn't live up to expectations) Anger at absence Jealousy of kid's preference for other parent Both feel I had it worse	Questioning, suspiciousness, incidence of spouse abuse Withdraw or try to take power back through physical violence Difficulties compromising, often wants other to take care of me
PRESCHOOL CHILDREN:
Joy, Excitement Wants reassurance Anger causes desire to punish or retaliate against returning parent May be afraid of returning parent	May have made something for returning parent, wants recognition Clingy Oppositional/Avoidal behavior Attention seeking behavior, competes with other parent and siblings
ELEMENTARY CHILDREN:
Joy, Excitement Remaining anger Anxiety over changing roles in Family Competition with dad for masculine role	May have made something for returning parent and wants recognition Attention seeking behavior after things have settled May act out anger May attempt to initially split parents
ADOLESCENT CHILDREN:
Anger Relief Resentment	Defiance Behavior problems School Problems

Things the Service Member Should Remember:

• Re-enter slowly, Don't disturb a Family set-up that has been working without you.
• Expect changes in both your spouse and your kids. (You have changed some, too!) Adapt accordingly, remembering that most of the changes mean growth and maturity. If some of the changes are negative, be patient; you and your Family will have plenty of time to bring things back around to a position of comfort.
• Spend maximum time with the Family. If possible, postpone reunions with relatives and friends until near normal routines have been established at home.
• Don't try to alter the financial affairs. Chances are your spouse has been handling them fine.
• Take it easy on the kids, especially where discipline is concerned. Don't barge in as the "heavy."
• Expect that sex may be awkward between you and your spouse at first. Talk it over.

Things the Spouse Should Remember:

• Expect changes; both of you have experienced a great deal.
• Remember the service member has been subject to daily regimentation and routine and may rebel against schedules and pre-planned events. Leave some room for spontaneity.
• Drive for a while. It may have been a time since he/she has driven.
• The service member may want to celebrate the return with a spending spree. If you can't afford it, hold tight to the purse strings. The urge to spend will pass.
• Expect the service member to be surprised or hurt that you've coped so well alone. You can reassure him or her that he or she is loved and needed without giving up your own independence.

What to Expect When Your Spouse Returns:

All Family members must realize that people change. We notice these changes more after a period of long absence.

• Expect some anger and insecurity along with love and happiness. These feelings need to be expressed.
• Expect your spouse to be different. If he/she is not, fine. If they have changed, you're prepared. This goes for BOTH of you.
• Expect your spouse to be a little hurt that you have managed so well without him/her. They will need reassurance you still need them.
• Expect your spouse to want to be "babied" by you.
• Expect that it will be about six weeks to adjust to each other again. If you're not getting along well at the end of six weeks, counseling might help.
• Expect your spouse to have trouble sleeping for a while. They are accustomed to a different lifestyle (and possibly time zone); it may take them a week or two to adjust.
• Don't grill your spouse about personal problems if they arise. Give him/her time to readjust. Swallow your curiosity. This goes for BOTH of you.

TAKE TIME TO BE CHARMING!

1. Identify and define the problem or conflict. What is really the problem? What exactly is wrong? Identify the problem without assigning blame or attacking persons. Be aware of the feelings and needs of all those involved.
2. Brainstorm for possible solutions. Express and record all ideas as fast as you think of them. No judgment or discussion is allowed during brainstorming, BE CREATIVE!.
3. Evaluate the alternatives. Look at the consequences of each possible solution. Work together to find a solution acceptable to all. Give and take is necessary for a win-win solution.
4. Choose the best solution. Mutual agreement/consensus and commitment are necessary.
5. Implement the solution. Decide when and how to evaluate: changes needed, delegation of tasks, time frames for completion, etc.
6. Assess the results with a follow-up evaluation. Is the situation better or worse? If it is better, do you want to continue? If it is worse, look for another solution from the brainstorming session and implement it. Be persistent until the problem is resolved.

Accept the fact that conflict will always exist. Tension and stress are the basis of most marital conflict, and the military generates a particular kind of stress:

Frequent moves. TDYs and deployments.

1. Learn to focus on one issue at a time during a discussion, and think before you speak. Keeping a cool head goes a long way toward resolving problems.
2. During a confrontation, allow your spouse equal time to speak his/her mind. An argument is essentially a debate and a debate cannot be successful unless both sides get a chance to air their views. There should be no winners and no losers.
3. When your spouse is talking, LISTEN to what he/she has to say.
4. Use a team approach to problem solving. Collaborative management is more effective. Remember, two people working as a team can get a lot more done than two adversaries can.
5. Don't run away from a confrontation; either physically or by using alcohol or drugs. Remember, for help with really tough problems, don't hesitate to contact the Army mental health counselors, chaplains and social workers.
6. Eliminate verbal weapons such as "I don't love you" or "You don't love me." Such tactics amount to emotional blackmail and can only foster resentment and anger. The military demands 24 hour availability, which makes it easier for Family members to feel as if the service member is more attached to the military than to his/her Family.
7. Never say: "I told you so." Help your partner save face if you should "win." Remember that a problem solved is a win for both.
8. Take "small bites." Don't try to settle a big issue in one sitting. Take your time and try to resolve the conflict one step at a time.
9. Never argue in bed!! Use a neutral room, and affirm your love often.
10. When angry, avoid comparing your spouse with someone else or bringing up past situations. Stick to the issues at hand and remember that you are dealing only with the person in front of you.
11. Do not hit below the belt. "Belt line" remarks often concern something in your spouse's appearance which he/she is sensitive about.
12. Learn to deal with jealously. A conflict common in military marriages is caused by the recognition awarded to the military member for his/her dedication while the spouse goes unrecognized for her/his efforts and support.
13. Learn to be autonomous. Both you and your spouse will have to learn to do things by yourselves on occasion.
14. Realize that marriages and relationships don't always work out to be peaches and cream. You must make the choice to STAY together; marriage takes work from both of you.

The key to success by using these fair fighting techniques is the ability to put the interests of the couple above one's own concerns. The next time an argument arises, try these techniques. After all, you're in this together.

Marriage takes two people working together to make a winning team!

Family Deployment Checklist | Your Finances | Handling Emergencies | Home Security
Family Readiness Groups | Separation | Reunion