Many people do not feel comfortable talking about sexuality and sexual health issues.

Facial herpes (including cold sores on the lips) and genital herpes are medically the same condition at different sites. The significant difference arises from the stigma that tends to accompany an infection that is sexually transmitted.

This information will explore ways of feeling more confident in discussing genital herpes with a partner.

While some people may experience an unsupportive response, in fact most have found their partners are both supportive and understanding. It is natural to initially think that a person may base their judgement of you on the fact you have genital herpes. People fear the possibility of rejection but the reality is that it rarely happens.

Personal rejection, with or without herpes, is a possibility we all face. Thousands of people are turned down for dates, or relationships, every day. Some people appreciate and admire you for who you are, and some people don't. Life probably would be difficult, even boring, if every person we were attracted to were attracted to us in return.

Still, fear of rejection runs deep, and it leads some to question why they should risk talking about herpes. It's not as if others can tell you have herpes, just by looking at you. Accordingly some people choose not to disclose. Instead they abstain during outbreaks, practice safe sex at other times, and hope for the best.

This strategy has more disadvantages than advantages. First of all, you spend a lot of time and energy worrying that your partner is going to get herpes (it's much harder to tell someone who has just found out they're infected). In some cases, the longer you put it off, the more likely the telling will be awkward or your partner will find out elsewhere.

Another 'Catch 22': The more you grow to care about someone, the more you want to tell them (only it gets harder to do the longer you wait.). For most people, the anxiety of not telling is worse than the telling itself.

On the other hand, by telling your partner and allowing them to enter into the relationship with full knowledge of your infection, you reduce the likelihood of them becoming infected. Why? Because, when you have an outbreak, you can discuss it with a partner instead of making excuses (that might or might not be believed) for why you can't have sex. Excuses create distance between partners and often lead to dangerous guesswork.

Your partner might interpret your excuses in ways more damaging to the relationship than an honest discussion of genital herpes would be.

Partners may try to talk you into sex despite the fact that you say you have a headache. You might even go along, thinking, "I want them so bad, and this little itch might not even be an outbreak. Maybe just this once..." On the other hand, if the two of you are able to discuss the situation, openly and honestly, you can negotiate around it. Imaginative lovers find ways to weather these temporary setbacks.

The importance of self-esteem, adaptation and acceptance

People can, and do, tell potential partners successfully. While there is no fail-safe method, a number of approaches can make it much easier.

First, it's important to remind yourself that herpes doesn't change all the good things about you. To some extent, whether you become infected or not is a toss of the dice. The virus didn't 'choose' you and you don't deserve it. It has nothing to do with your intelligence, social habits, or bank account. You are a loving, sexual, whole individual. No one else on the planet has the things that you have to offer.

Aside from all this, be aware that genital herpes is extremely common. Studies suggest that in some countries, up to one in five people are infected with this virus, whether they know it or not.

Few of us, with or without herpes, realise our unique value. And being diagnosed with herpes can make coming to that realisation even more difficult. Unconsciously, many of us have a lot of negative beliefs related to herpes that make it difficult to convince ourselves that others would want to be with us. It's important to recognise these beliefs and consciously change them. Accepting the fact that you have herpes will make it easier to let others into your life.

Sit down with a pen and paper and say to yourself, "I have herpes." What thought pops into your head? No matter what it is, write it down. Do this again and again until you have identified a number of the stereotypical/negative feelings that you have about herpes.

Now look at your list. How many of the negative feelings or beliefs are truly valid? In many cases, it turns out that the negative associations are baseless.Yet even then they strongly influence our emotions.

Next, take your list and replace each of your negative beliefs with a positive one. Let's say one of your beliefs was: "No one would want to go out with me because I have herpes."

Replace it with: "I am a wonderful, intelligent person, anyone would be lucky to be my companion or lover."

You have the power to change what you believe about yourself. Whenever you find your inner voice telling you that you can't do or have anything that you desire, simply interrupt it and firmly repeat to yourself your positive replacement. The more often you repeat these positive statements, the more they reinforce themselves.

This may seem strange or artificial at first. But remember, you - not that 'little voice' - are in control of your thoughts. You can think and believe whatever you choose about yourself. It might take some repetition. Years of negative belief patterns don't disappear overnight. But eventually, by deliberately replacing your old negative beliefs with positive new ones, you can begin to change how you think and feel about yourself - consciously and unconsciously.

Getting the facts

The more emotionally charged an issue, the more important it is to find out the facts. Most people know little or nothing about herpes. Frequently, what knowledge they have is coloured by myth and misconception. Having the correct information not only makes it easier for your partner, it makes it easier for you. Here are some of the basic facts about herpes that might be important points to tell a partner.

• Herpes simplex virus (HSV) most often shows up as small blisters or sores on either the face or mouth (cold sores or fever blisters) or the genitals.
• HSV can be passed on when one person has virus present on the skin or mucosa and another person makes direct skin-to-skin contact with live virus.
• Virus is likely to be present on the skin from the first sign of prodrome (tingling or itching where the outbreak usually occurs), until the sores have completely healed and new skin is present.
• There are likely to be certain periods of time (possibly only a few days out of the year) when active virus might be on the skin, even though there are no obvious signs or symptoms.
• Always using latex condoms may possibly reduce the risk of transmitting the virus at these times.
• Herpes is very frequently transmitted by infected persons who don't know they are infected. Since they have not been diagnosed, they are unaware that they may be contagious from time to time.
• Once diagnosed, a person generally is able to take the simple precautions necessary to protect partners - avoiding contact during prodrome or an outbreak and practising safer sex when no symptoms are present.

Obviously, there is a lot more information about herpes. Have educational materials on hand for your partner to read. Be prepared to answer their questions.

If you don't know the answer to a question, don't pretend. Find out. Being wrong will destroy your credibility.

Preparing to tell your partner

When it comes down to the basics of telling, there is no foolproof method. What you say and how you say it are going to depend on your own personal style.

But your attitude will influence how this news is received. Psychologists have observed that people tend to behave the way you expect them to behave, and expecting rejection increases the chances of an unhappy outcome. Be spontaneous.

Be confident. You are doing the right thing for both of you.

How long should you know someone before you tell them? If it appears the two of you could end up in bed on the first date, that's probably a pretty good time.

Ideally, it's best to give it a few dates before telling. Allow the relationship to develop a little. It's going to be easier if the two of you enjoy a degree of comfort and trust in each other's company first.

There are good and bad times to bring up this topic. Some of the worst moments include the crowded bar or party scene, travel en route to a romantic weekend, or a talk when you've just finished having sex. Talking just prior to love-making is not a good idea either. Your partner could get pretty annoyed at you for spoiling the moment. After all, who wants to have a discussion when their hormones are raging? And they might worry about other little secrets you are keeping as well. Worse still, you could be tempted not to tell at all!

Bring up the issue when you are not already 'in the mood' for sexual intimacy, when you're feeling good about yourself, and when you both have an opportunity to give the discussion your undivided, uninterrupted attention.

Ideally, the discussion could take place anywhere you feel safe and comfortable. Some people turn off the TV, take the phone off the hook, and broach the subject over a quiet dinner at home. Others prefer a more public place, like a quiet restaurant, so that their partner will feel free to go home afterwards to think things through.

Surprisingly, many people tell potential partners while walking in the park. This allows both people to work off a little nervous energy at the same time.

No matter where you choose to host the discussion, it's important to allow for the fact that one or both of you might get emotional.

Try to be natural and spontaneous. If you find yourself whispering, mumbling, or looking at the floor, stop for a moment and try to speak calmly and clearly. Look the person in the face. Your delivery affects your message. If you are obviously upset, the person you're speaking with might perceive the situation as being much worse than it is.

Conversation starters

The following opening statements represent a variety of non-threatening ways to prompt discussion. They are not intended to be regarded as scripts.

• "When two people get along as well as we do, I think we owe it to each other to be totally honest. I'd like to talk about our sexual histories."
• "I really enjoy being with you, and I'm glad that we're becoming more intimate. I think it's important that we talk about sex. Can we talk now?"
• "We're both responsible adults who want to do what's best for each other and ourselves. Let's talk about safe sex."
• "I really feel that I can trust you, and I'd like to tell you something very personal. Last year, I found out that I had contracted genital herpes."
• "I have something I'd like to discuss with you. Have you ever had a cold sore or fever blister? The reason I ask is that cold sores and fever blisters are caused by a type of virus. Herpes simplex virus. I have the virus. Only instead of getting a sore on my mouth, I get one in my genital area."

Try not to be melodramatic. This is not a confession or a lecture, simply the sharing of information between two people. Avoid loaded words like 'awful', 'disgusting', or 'incurable'. Which statement would you rather hear? "I have this horrible, incurable, sexually transmitted disease, and I could give it to you," Or: "I found out two years ago that I have herpes. Luckily it's both treatable and manageable. Could we talk about what this means for us?"

Many people practise by telling a friend first. It builds up your confidence and gives you a feel for the kind of questions others might ask. Plus, the more people you tell, the easier it gets.

Another good idea is to role play the situation with a friend who already knows your situation. But don't let them always play the understanding partner. It's important to prepare for a variety of situations - not just the easy ones. In addition, convincing another person can help convince you.

Look for logical opportunities to bring up the subject. This way it seems more natural, there's not time to get nervous, and you're not making it into a bigger deal than it is. With more and more singles talking about 'safe sex' and AIDS, these opportunities come up fairly frequently. You might even be surprised to learn that the person you've been worried about telling, has been worried about telling you. In fact, the probability of this might be very high, given the HSV statistics.

Realistic and unrealistic expectations

People may just need a little time to think it through. Consider giving them written information or referring them to a sexual health centre to verify what you've told them.

Some people might overreact, and some people won't be upset. Given the number of people with genital herpes, many people have heard this story before. Whatever the reaction, try to be flexible. Remember that it took you time to adjust as well.

Negative reactions are often no more than the result of misinformation. In some cases they are brought on when persons fear that you're asking them to commit to a relationship, instead of just informing them of the situation. If your partner does decide not to pursue a relationship with you simply because you have herpes, it's in your best interest to find out now. It takes a lot more than the occasional aggravation of herpes to destroy a sound relationship.

Some people react negatively no matter what you say or how you say it. Others might focus more energy on herpes than on the relationship. These people are the exception, not the rule. This is not a reflection on you. You are not responsible for their reaction. If your partner is unable to accept the facts, encourage him or her to speak with a medical expert or counsellor. Or just walk away. The bottom line is, there are lots of people out there who are attracted to you for exactly who you are - with or without herpes.

The majority of people will react well. After all, you trust them enough to share a confidence with them that you wouldn't share with just anybody. Most people respect that.

So pat yourself on the back. Whether or not this relationship works out, you have enlightened someone with your education and experience, correcting some of the myths about herpes that cause so much harm. You have removed the barrier of silence that makes it so difficult for others to speak. And you have confronted a difficult issue in your life with courage and consideration.

If you want further information regarding herpes treatment you can:

• see your own doctor
• see a doctor at your local sexual health clinic

Acknowledgements:
This information has been realised in collaboration with the New Zealand Herpes Foundation (NZHF) and the American Social Health Association (ASHA).