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So Far Away:
Twenty Questions for Long-Distance Caregivers
Introduction
1. What is long-distance caregiving?
2. How will I know if help is needed?
3. What can I really do from far away?
» 4. How can my family decide who does what?
5. Are there things I can do that will help me feel less frustrated?
6. What is a geriatric care manager and how can I find one?
7. How can I keep up with my mom’s medical and health care?
8. How can I make the most of a visit with my parent's doctor?
9. How on earth can my parents afford everything they need?
10. What kinds of documents do we need?
11. Should I encourage my parents to get more help?
12. How can we make the house safer for my mother who has Alzheimer's disease?
13. How can I lighten the load for my mother?
14. How can I help my folks decide if it's time for them to move?
15. What happens if my mother gets too sick to stay at home?
16. How is it that long-distance caregiving makes me feel so guilty all the time?
17. How can I be sure my father's caregiver isn't mistreating him?
18. How can I help my parents think about their future health care preferences?
19. What is the difference between an advance directive and a living will?
20. What if I'm told my mom only has a few months to live?
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4. How can my family decide who does what? My brother lives closest to our grandmother, but he’s uncomfortable coordinating her health care.

Be sure to talk with other family members and decide who will be responsible for which tasks. Think about your schedules and how to adapt them to give respite to a primary caregiver or to coordinate holiday and vacation times. One family found that it worked to have the long-distance caregiver come to town while the primary caregiver was on a family vacation. And remember, if you aren’t the primary caregiver, offering appreciation, reassurance, and positive feedback is also a contribution.

Know Your Strengths/Set Your Limits
If you decide to work as a family team, it makes sense to agree in advance how your skills can complement one another. Ideally, each of you will be able to take on tasks best suited to each person’s skills or interests. For example, who is available to help Mom get to the grocery store each week? Who can help Dad organize his move to an assisted living facility? After making these kinds of decisions, remember that over time responsibilities may need to be revised to reflect changes in the situation or your parent’s needs. Be realistic about how much you can do and what you are willing to do.

When thinking about your strengths, consider what you are particularly good at and how that skill might help in the current situation:

  • Are you best on the phone, finding information, keeping people up-to-date on changing conditions, and offering cheer?
  • Are you good at supervising and leading others?
  • Are you comfortable speaking with medical staff and interpreting what they say to others?
  • Is your strongest suit doing the numbers—paying bills, keeping track of bank statements, and reviewing insurance policies and reimbursement reports?

When reflecting on your limits, consider:

  • How often, both mentally and financially, can you afford to travel?
  • Are you emotionally prepared to take on what may feel like a reversal of roles between you and your parent—and to respect your parent’s autonomy?
  • Can you be both calm and assertive when communicating from a distance?
  • How will your decision to take on care responsibilities affect the rest of your family and your work?

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Page last updated Jan 31, 2008