What if My Teen Has Already Had Sex?

If your teen has already had sex, when you talk to them, you should show your concern, but be positive. Be honest. Share your concerns or feelings, but be supportive, not angry. If your teen has not told you they are having sex, but you think they are, you might want to start out with some simple questions like these, and then listen thoughtfully:

I understand that many of the kids your age have sex. Are your friends having sex?
Have they encouraged you to have sex?
Are you thinking about having sex?

When they talk, listen carefully and respectfully. Then let them know how much you love them and want them to have a wonderful future full of healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships. Tell them that happy futures don’t just happen. They take planning and smart choices.

If your son or daughter has had sex or is in a sexual relationship now, there are several things you need to discuss:

Ask if they have ever been hurt or forced to have sex. Sexual coercion, abuse and violence are NOT okay.
Take them to a health care provider to be screened for STDs. This is very important since sexually transmitted infections are common among sexually active teens.
Talk to your daughter about being screened for pregnancy. Pregnancy can happen the first time someone has sex, even if he or she is using contraception. To learn more, visit Teen Pregnancy.
Talk about how sex can make relationships and dating more complicated. Talk about the emotional consequences of sex, about broken hearts and breaking up.
Talk about how sex can be a wonderful part of a committed marriage. Encourage your child to focus on their goals for themselves before moving in that direction.
Finally, be straight forward. Tell your son or daughter that you wish they would stop having sex and why you wish they would stop. Tell your son or daughter that you will love and support them no matter what. You only want what is best for them. Make sure they know they can say “no” at anytime. They don’t have to keep having sex just because they started. Tell them that you want to do everything you can to help them make the decision and stick to it. You might be surprised how responsive they are. Two out of three teens who have had sexual intercourse say they wish they had waited to have sex. Some have found out the hard way that sex is not a game – that it has consequences. They may have gotten hurt or become infected with an STD or even become pregnant or caused a pregnancy. So your son or daughter may be glad to know that you will support their decision to stop having sex and that you’ll help them make plans and set boundaries to meet their goal.

If your teen decides to stop having sex, here are some ways you can help them stick to that decision.

Be Available: Set a time to talk on a regular basis – daily or before dates or at the beginning of the weekend.
Treat each other with respect and trust. Recognize that it’s not an easy choice for your son or daughter and that it will take character to stick to.
Ask Questions: Ask your teen questions about their opinions, friends, school, or movies. Let them tell their story.
Set goals and guidelines: Help them develop goals, both for now and the future. Set guidelines or limits, and monitor who, what, where, when, and curfews.
Help them develop a strategy to keep them out of situations where sex could happen, like going to parties where there isn’t adult supervision.
Encourage, Educate and Empower: Give your teen the support, information, and skills they need to be successful.

If your teen does not decide to stop having sex, these same suggestions apply. But it’s also very important that you help your son or daughter visit a health care provider to develop a plan to reduce their chances of getting pregnant or getting a sexually transmitted disease.

Whatever decision your son or daughter makes, you need to continue this conversation. Some teens may decide to stop having sex at a later date, while others might return to having sex. Keeping the lines of communication open gives you the best chance to help your son or daughter.

For more information on how to help your teen wait to have sex, visit Why You Need to Talk, Answers to Some Tough Questions, and Teaching Your Son or Daughter How to Say "No".

Surprising Facts

Did you know that almost one out of every three teen girls who have had sex has been pregnant while still a teen? ²⁶

Did you know that more than one out of every eight teen boys who have had sex has gotten a girl pregnant while still a teen? ²⁷

Last revised: April 22, 2008