Skip Navigation

Good Answers for Tough Questions

Anybody who has ever raised a pre-teen or teen knows that it’s hard to have all the answers. Really, nobody has all the answers. But here we give you some that might prove very helpful when talking to your son or daughter about sex.

Below are some things you might hear from your pre-teen or teen, and a suggested answer.

They Might Say

Suggested Answer

"Everyone else is doing it."

"It might seem that way but that's not true. Most teenagers have not had sexual intercourse. That's right, a majority of high school students in America are not doing it." 22 

"Pregnancy or STDs won't happen to me."

"Honey, I wish that were true. Any time that a boy and a girl have sex, there is a chance of a pregnancy. 1 in 3 girls gets pregnant at least once before they turn 20. 23  I'll bet those girls, and the boys who slept with them, thought 'It won't happen to me.'"

"It is the same story with STDs. 24 Teenagers and young adults get half the newly diagnosed STDs. I love you too much to want you to be a statistic."

"Pregnancy and STDs can happen to you. You don't know how many kids at your school have STDs, since you can't tell by looking at someone whether they have an STD or not. And you do know kids at your school that got pregnant. If it can happen to them, it can happen to you."

"But we are in love."

"Just because you feel you are in love, that doesn't mean you should have sex. There are many ways to show love without sex. And if he/she really loves you, then he/she should respect your choice to wait. Remember everything we've talked about how it's healthy to wait."

"There are girls in my high school who are pregnant."

"That is a big responsibility. I hope they finish school, have help, and are able to continue working toward their career and other life goals."

"Did you know that a baby born to an unmarried teen mother who didn't finish high school is nine times more likely to grow up in poverty than a child born to a married adult woman who did finish high school?" 25 

"I feel pressure. Everyone is doing it. I'm not sure I know how to say no."

"First of all, let's talk about the situations you are finding yourself where you feel pressured to have sex."

"And let's practice how you are going to say no."

"Remember, call me anytime you are in an uncomfortable situation and I'll come get you right away. We can even have a code word that means, 'come get me right away.'"

"You know I'm not a virgin anymore, so stop bothering me."

"I want to talk about this because I love and care about you. Just because you had sex doesn't mean you have to continue. There are so many health and emotional risks."

"The healthiest choice is for you to wait. Just because you had sex, you should still think about what will make you happy and healthy from now on. You can still say no even if you've said yes before."

"Okay, let's talk about STDs and pregnancy so we can be sure you are making healthy choices."

"All you tell me is, 'Don't do this, don't do that!' So what am I supposed to do?!?!"

"You are supposed to be pursuing your goals."

Parents don't always have all of the answers. It is important to ask your child open-ended questions that get them talking. Don't look for yes and no answers. Ask questions and let your pre-teen or teen talk to you.

Keep in mind some of the reasons pre-teens and teens say they do NOT have sex:

  • They know their parents disapprove, and they don't want to disappoint them.
  • Their friends aren't having sex.
  • They are afraid of getting pregnant or getting HIV/AIDS.
  • They don't think it is right for teens to have sex because of their values, morals and religious beliefs.
  • They know how to say "no" and stick to it.
  • They stay away from situations and activities where sex is likely to "just happen."
  • They don't use alcohol or other drugs.
  • They've already had sex, but have decided to wait until they are older or married.
  • Their friends, family, and community support their decision to wait.
  • They feel important to their family, school, and religious community.

Remember, don't talk about sex with your son or daughter just once. Talk with your children when they are young about love and relationships. As they get older and become a pre-teen and then a teen, look for chances to talk about sex and relationships. Remind them why waiting until marriage to have sex is a healthy choice. For more information, visit Talking About Healthy Relationships.


Last revised: August 05, 2008