"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."
As billions listened to our radio program this morning, I unveiled my TV Sports Viewing Value Chart, which turned out to be highly controversial. The idea was born from a Corby tweet, wondering about the sanity of anyone choosing to watch an early-season Rangers/Astros (Astros!) game instead of the Final Round of the Masters. I agreed with his sentiment, adding that, in my view, only Ron Washington had a valid excuse for not watching the Masters. Tackling this sports problem meant retreating to my laboratory to develop the following chart. If you follow this chart, you will be a well-rounded sports fan. If you often find yourself in violation of this chart, you may need to reassess your life (Dr. Carlton Maxwell is an outstanding Sports Psychologist, and he's accepting new clients as I write this).
This chart is similar to a Poker Hand Value Chart. Please do you best to abide by it, and please report any violators of the chart to the proper authorities. You may not have much crossover between sporting events, because of the seasonal schedules. However, if you find yourself with a Masters vs Rangers problem on your hands, consult the chart.
Royal Flush
The Super Bowl. The highest sporting event hand possible, it trumps all other contests. This should be obvious.
Straight Flush
All other championship events in major team sports: World Series, NBA Finals, Stanley Cup, NCAA Football and Basketball (the deeper the series goes, the higher the hand--in other words, a Game Seven always trumps a Game Three). Also note that, based on popularity, NFL events rank higher than the others, with MLB and NBA being even, and NHL events ranking fourth--this system applies throughout the chart).
Four of a Kind
Anything else down the team sport playoff ladder: AFC/NFC Championships, followed by earlier rounds; ALCS/NLCS, followed by earlier playoff rounds; NBA/NHL Conference Finals, followed by earlier rounds, Final Four football and basketball, followed by earlier rounds.
Full House
Cowboys regular season game. Applicable in these parts only. The Cowboys are so big (insert joke here) and play so few regular season games, that each one is a major event. The only exception is if it's a meaningless, late-season game when they are resting all of their starters for the playoffs (insert joke here).
Regular Flush
Golf Major, Final Round; Ryder Cup; Big regular season college or NFL game (OU vs TX, NE vs DEN, etc).
Straight
Regular season "playoff push" game--usually only in the last month of a season, for NBA, NFL, NHL, MLB, major college sports.
Three of a Kind
Tennis Grand Slam Final, Daytona 500, Indy 500, Horse Racing Triple Crown event, Tour de France, European Soccer League important match. Any slightly more fringe sport--the major events in these sports should always trump basic regular season action in the major sports.
Two Pair
Regular season, non-playoff push, Mavs, Rangers, Stars games; also regular season, non-important college football action. Games against teams like the Sixers, Astros and Panthers are worth less than games against the Thunder, Red Sox and Blues.
One Pair
Non-major golf event, tennis event, NASCAR race, etc. Schedule-fodder events.
High Card
Regular season college basketball.
Crap Hand
High school sports, Little League World Series.
Wild Cards
Olympics, World Cup. These events are so big, and held every four years, that they don't really fit into the chart. So, you are free to watch them above or below any other sporting events, with impunity.
This is the official end of the chart. Godspeed.
Special Author's Note: This chart is to be taken in a general sense. I understand that there will be "special occasion" games that may cause the value of the hand to change a bit. For example: Corby wearing a mohawk may make a Mavs regular season game more interesting than the Columbus/Pitt NHL playoff pairing. I am willing to give in certain situations, but, IN GENERAL, this chart should be followed as closely as possible to ensure optimum sports-viewing health.
On the show this week, we were talking about the Astrodome being torn down, a structure that was once referred to as the Eighth Wonder of the World. It got us talking about the real Seven Wonders of the World, which got me thinking about what the Seven Wonders of the Metroplex would be. Most Wonders of the World lists are split into two categories: man-made and natural. So, I would like to present my lists of the Wonders of the Metroplex.
THE SEVEN MAN-MADE WONDERS OF THE METROPLEX
The AT&T Deathstar
The Texas Motor Speedway
Reunion Tower
The Green Building
The High Five
DFW Airport
Big Tex
THE SEVEN NATURAL WONDERS OF THE METROPLEX
The Trinity River
The Great Trinity Forest (the largest natural forest in any US metropolitan area)
Cedar Hill State Park
Dallas National Golf Course (yes, man-made, but the topography is natural)
Flagpole Hill
Goat Hill (home of the waterfall billboard)
The Drolen-Dombeck Mountain Range on Channel 11
There you have it. Make a point to visit these Wonders, although you'll need to be a member at Dallas National to visit there, and you'll need to be a boyfriend or husband (or doctor, I suppose) of Drolen or Dombeck to have visiting rights to those ranges. Safe travels!
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