For years, I’ve annoyed co-workers with pitches for Christmas-themed novels and screenplays that could generate the green that decorates driveways in shiny Lexuses and blood-red bows.

I concede the plural of Lexus may be “Lexi.” I can’t afford to know, but I aspire to be the kind of consumer who can swallow a monthly car payment bigger than my

mortgage.

It can’t be that hard. Selling a holiday fable or a Lifetime movie script seems as simple as taking any inanimate object and attaching “Christmas.” “The Christmas Shoes.” “The Christmas Sweater.” “The Christmas Quilt.”

“The Christmas Luxury Sedan With Surround Sound, Bluetooth and Heated Seats.”

If you suffered through “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever,” it should be obvious how easy it is to cash in on the holiday. I’ve just never had an idea that crazy awful and insanely profitable.

And then the Pennsylvania Legislature did something that might actually benefit me. My shock could have powered every LED bulb and inflatable Santa in the neighborhood.

Christmas came early for state lawmakers. This week, they unwrapped a 1.6 percent cost of living adjustment or COLA, bringing their base annual salary to $85,356. Members in “leadership” positions earn more, and don’t forget the $163 in per diems lawmakers can spend daily without receipts.

Christmas comes every day in Harrisburg.

Struck by a strange sensation most of us know as shame, regional lawmakers said they will either send the raise back to the state Treasury or donate it to charity.

What a Christmasy notion.

Rep. Marty Flynn, D-eNaples, plans to use his raise to host an event to give toys to poor kids.

It’s a good cause, but not quite charitable, considering the political benefit to Mr. Flynn and the fact that his raise will bump up his pension, which will be paid by the very kids he’s “gifting.” Cynicism is the enemy of Christmas stories, which help us feel good despite all the bad we see around us.

In that spirit, I offer “The Christmas COLA,” the heartwarming story of a young legislator who suddenly understands how ridiculously blessed he is and moves to share his bounty with constituents who need it most.

Many read The Times-Tribune and point out that legislative COLAs widen the yawning gap between lawmakers and those who live and die just trying to get by.

Young girl dying of legislative indifference: “Thanks for the Barbie and pizza, sir, but Mom can’t find a job and and Dad just lies in bed emptying boxes of wine and crying over their wedding album.”

The girl dies clutching a store-brand pop-tart that expired months ago. The young legislator is so moved that he drives to the Capitol and calls a special session to repeal the automatic COLA raises and approve a resolution declaring fervent advocacy for constituents a basic duty of all elected officials.

His words are so moving, the most bloated, costly and self-absorbed state Legislature in America acts in unprecedented bipartisan unanimity to send a

message:

“Nice speech, kid. See you in January.”

CHRIS KELLY, the Times-Tribune columnist, wonders how many Barbies, pizzas and pop-tarts you can buy with $85,000 a year and $163 a day tax-free. Contact the writer: kellysworld@timesshamrock.com,

@cjkink on Twitter. Read his daily blog at blogs.thetimes-

tribune.com/kelly