#ArcticBlast Threatens Dallas, Weather Forecasters Rejoice

By Gavin Cleaver Fri., Nov. 7 2014 at 5:28 AM

It's on the way!! RT @RyanMaue: Next week's Arctic blast will threaten 41 States and 250,179,444 people pic.twitter.com/MR78ssJVVL
— Pete Delkus (@wfaaweather) November 6, 2014

Suck it, boring sunny weather. Now we have something to live in fear of. The chaos of a Dallas winter begins again in earnest next week, when the very safety and security of every single person in Dallas is threatened by the Arctic Blast, which may or may not bring ice. We're going to say it will bring ice by the truckload, once again thrusting Dallas into a post-apocalyptic era of impassable freeways and stores empty of bread.

With temperatures threatening to PLUNGE into the 30s (not the 1930s, it was colder then, almost certainly because there was no Obama), it's best to start making your preparations now. Here are several things you can do to prepare for The Arctic Blast. Now I think of it, Arctic Blast is almost certainly a variety of Gatorade, meaning that this apocalypse almost certainly has something to do with the Illuminati (WAKE UP SHEEPLE), because, you know, big business and the New World Order, a group of wrestlers from WCW in the 1990s.

Anyway. Yes. Things to do to prepare for #ARCTICBLAST:

Hide. This is very important. The ice will bring with it several packs of ferocious ice wolves, none of whom are your friends.
Buy all of the bread in Kroger, but available evidence suggests you already know that.
Get some of that Deep Heat spray, perfect for spraying on your face on a cold day.
Franzia boxed wine is the best combination of ABV and low cost, with the added value that it'll taste awful whatever temperature it's stored at.
If you start burning your belongings now, you'll have a decent fire going by next week, depending on how flame-retardant things you own are.
Build a shrine to St. Delkus and teach your children it is their Lord and savior now.
EAT EVERYTHING. The fatter you are, the longer you'll last or the better you'll burn in case you draw the short straw among your family when the supplies run out.

Obviously we'll have more next week as the true terror of this situation dawns, because I am your faithful icepocalypse weather forecaster, who will blog wherever there is electricity and enough Franzia.

Polar plunge! Temps struggle to make it to 50s by end of next week. Haven't seen high temps this cold since February! pic.twitter.com/sCy8Zn8ZjI
— Pete Delkus (@wfaaweather) November 6, 2014

I'm sure you'll agree the graphic at the top is magnificent.

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DFWDriver

That's all well and good..

But we Texan's know that odds are Saturday 108 with 160 humidity... and Sunday Hurricane will somehow hit a land locked DFW.

Monday chances are high for Dead Calm wind but the "pollen and dickweed" count will be high for this time of year.. so... those with allergies be warned..

Also.. Spaztasticly Random School Closures.. Because..

AND TRAFFIC EVERYWHERE.. JUST ACCEPT IT.. LEAVE 2 HOURS EARLY OR JUST GET JOB WITH LESS TRAFFIC'ISH hours..

or try your luck by playing HOV LANE SOLO..

tx18wheels

It's fun to laugh at ourselves over winter.

"If you start burning your belongings now, you'll have a decent fire going by next week, depending on how flame-retardant things you own are." - priceless!

ChrisDangerShow

When it comes to weather systems like this, we know quite a bit on the temps,yet there's still the unknown factor when it comes to precip.

Never a bad idea to start loading up on your winter survival supplies early. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a u-haul down to Costco, I need to load up on PB, pop and TP...;)

fordamist

I suggested to a friend in tv news they send somebody out in September or October to record a series of "sand trucks are standing by" videos, the scripts are all the same, 'sand trucks are standing by if they're needed'. That way some poor soul who has pissed off the assignments editor won't have to stand out in the elements waiting for a bit of tv time to say what one sentence in the story would communicate.

Think about that every time you see "sand trucks are standing by ..."

TheRuddSki topcommenter

At least it's not a Canadian cold front, they've been sticking it to us for far too long.

tdkisok

Make sure to order your pizza and chinese food!!!!

lolotehe

Franzia? Ugh. Bota Box makes a decent malbec, ya know.

everlastingphelps topcommenter

Remember, after the arctic wolves come the dickwolves. Watch your cornhole. Put on all the clothing that you have when you go out as armor.

Winter is coming. (Winter is the name off the dickwolf king.)

ivyhall

Wild west wind, thou breath of Autumn's being

Thou from whose unseen presence the leaves dead

Are driven like ghosts from an enchanter fleeing.... Shelley

CitzenKim

Dear God please not another ice storm!!

Why can't we get SNOW precipitation like everyone else?

Pete_Delkus_Sleeves

Get the long underwear out and the onesie PJ's with footies ready.

Harpocrates_Shouts

@Gavin - One more thing to add to list - Make doubly sure you're signed-up for both NetFlix and Hulu+ . Although trapped at home, people need a safe outlet, e.g. binge-watching SOA, Breaking Bad, etc.

ozonelarryb

Why the angst Gavin? Looks like free hockey for you everywhere!

TheRuddSki topcommenter

How the hell did UP get this past government censors?

tarotchan

What do the sleeves say!?? I demand a delkus sleeves update.

ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Also, if shopping at Kroger, Gavin, buy Peter Vella box wine, its $2 cheaper than Franzia for the same 5L. While there, pick up a few starter logs to help that slow burning furniture you put in your fireplace

Montemalone topcommenter

I thought Arctic Blast was a breath mint, or underarm deodorant.

noblefurrtexas topcommenter

How's that Global Warming working out for ya? :)

WhoisJohnGalt

@DFWDriver Whatever you're on, you might want to consider adjusting the dosage up or down, because the current dose isn't working.

ChrisDangerShow

@tdkisok Also load up on coke and pepsi..

tdkisok

@everlastingphelps

.......and you are the Dickhead King. Go figure.....

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@ivyhall Les sanglots longs des violons de l'automne blessent mon coeur d'une longueur monotone. ---Verlaine

dingo

@ivyhall

Superstorm Shelley?

TheRuddSki topcommenter

@CitizenKim

Gotta be world class to get the champagne powder.

ChrisDangerShow

@Harpocrates_Shouts I did that last year during winterpocalypse 2013, also got in some serious time playing CoD..

Pete_Delkus_Sleeves

@tarotchan It's going to be cold as F*** Buy your firewood today so you aren't that schlep the wife sends out on a firewood hunt next tuesday after work. Many gas stations have a good supply right now.