Women! Stop being so ostentatious

It isn’t too difficult to espouse xenophobic views in a way that’s not openly ostentatious. Can’t Nigel Farage go and sit in a corner or something? This is what the Ukip leader recommended that “ostentatious” breastfeeding mothers should do, after he was inexplicably asked to comment on the Claridges “shame shroud” breastfeeding debacle of earlier this week.

As any badly behaved child knows, being made to go and sit in a corner is a traditional form of classroom punishment. In the case of Farage’s breastfeeding proposals, this is simply a punishment for being a woman, and ostentatiously so, to boot, thus confirming yet again what hundreds of years of history has taught us: that being a human female in possession of a pair of tits is generally enough to put the cat among the pigeons for a certain genre of priggish, sexist busybody.

And so, homogenous group of sister-friends also known as “the ladies”: I believe you may be in need of some kindly guidance. In order to escape being put on the naughty chair at the behest of this boring group of curtain twitchers, it’s time to reel in the exhibitionism. Here are some things that, just to be on the safe side, you’d better not do ever again, particularly not ostentatiously and in public:

Demonstrating ambition

When it comes to having hopes and dreams for the future, it’s best to keep that stuff under wraps. “Ambition” (or “eye-popping ambition”, as it was termed last year in reference to broadcaster Susanna Reid) is a dirty word when it comes to women. Expressing it will only lead to accusations that you are a ruthless, careerist, Thatcherite monster intent on crushing anyone who stands in your way into a fine, grey, corporate powder. And you’re like a man, too!

You have two options in this scenario: pipe down and be content with your lack of pay rise, influence, and power in the world, or go full-on “Lady Macbeth” when they’re least expecting it. So subtle, so manipulative, and just so feminine (fragrance in stores 21 December).

Flaunting your curves

Maybe you didn’t get the mammary memo, but women no longer “have” breasts, legs, bottoms, and other body parts. Oh, no. You see, women, by our very nature, can be ostentatious without even realising it, as the former home secretary, Jacqui Smith, discovered in 2007 when journalists became obsessed with her cleavage, or “home front”, as they dubbed it. Now the media have reached a point where every time a female celebrity leaves the house she is not simply popping to the corner shop for some fags, but is “stepping out” so as to “flaunt”, “show off”, “parade”, “display” and “flash” her various body parts. If you’re in need of evidence that existing in a public space thereby automatically makes a woman’s body public property (“she’s asking for it just by being there in that skirt”) then look no further than the tabloid media.

Eating an ice-cream

See: “Kelly Brook licks ice-cream on Brighton seafront” for more detail. Crowds flocked, apparently.

Being clever (and not brushing your hair)

There’s nothing worse than a woman who doesn’t know her place, which, in case you hadn’t realised by now, is in the Farage-sanctioned corner with the slags and the breastfeeders and the “career women” (I’m still waiting for the term “career man” to take off, by the way). Gail Trimble, then the cleverest contestant on University Challenge, discovered this to her chagrin in 2009, when lads’ mag Nuts asked her to pose for a photo shoot after widespread criticism of her looks. You are your physical appearance, after all, and if you do have the audacity to consider yourself clever you should at least do it with false modesty. If you need further proof that being a woman and refusing to prioritise adhering to societal paradigms of physical attractiveness over intellectual advancement is a course of action that is utterly enraging to some men, look no further than the despicable “too ugly for TV” comments made by AA Gill about Professor Mary Beard.

Not smiling

“Cheer up, love, it might never happen.” This is true, strange man, you might fall down a manhole just as you turn that corner. That would certainly turn this frown upside down.

Having an opinion

As fellow feminist Laurie Penny once said, a woman with an opinion is the “short skirt of the internet”. Try and contribute to a debate and you’re “asking for it” essentially. Raise the issue of misogynist abuse and you’re accused of being an enemy of free speech, a wimp, or both. Best to just stay quiet and never discuss politics or religion or, indeed, anything that is interesting. Women, know your place. It’s in the corner.

Breathing

For some men (#notallmen), that is enough. Two women a week are killed by their partners in the UK. Violence against women remains a widespread problem that is still not dealt with effectively by the police or the court system. These victims, many of whom are killed after attempting to leave a violent relationship, are a reminder of how for some women simply attempting to assert some control over their own lives can put them in life-threatening danger. Hell, if you’re a woman, walking home alone can put you in life-threatening danger.

In comparison to the right to a safe existence free from violence, the right to breastfeed in a fancy London hotel may pale into significance, but both are manifestations of sexism and both demonstrate the same thing, that to be a woman in a public place, going about her own business, remains a radical act. I don’t know about you, but no one’s putting me in the corner.