"I’ve got five haters. Everyone else loves me."

"I’ve been here for three hours. I’m just killing time. My mother died last week, and I’m waiting for the court to call so I can pick up the death certificate. It was supposed to be ready this morning."

I remember seeing this man on a subway platform a few years back, singing “New York, New York” at the top of his lungs. Stepped onto a subway yesterday, and there he is—- singing the exact same song.

"I used to be obsessed with cooking. It was all I thought about. I did cooking shows on the BBC. I wrote 27 cookbooks. I wrote a whole cookbook just about garlic. Then one night, I was editing the proofs for my 27th cookbook, when I picked up a marker and drew a mermaid on a piece of scrap paper. I looked at that mermaid, she looked at me, and I never thought about cooking again. Ever since that moment, I’ve thought about nothing but art. I was sixty years old when I made the switch. I’m not sure what caused it. It was either menopause, a psychotic break, or a muse bit me on the bum!"

"A whole art movement has sprung up around me. I have a tribe."

"We just won a national monetary policy competition!"
"What was your policy?"
"It was a three pronged approach recommending data dependent forward guidance, continuing with accommodation because the balance of risk is weighted more heavily toward tightening too soon, and a modification to the longer run goal strategy to explicitly state the symmetric nature of the inflation target. Anyway…. we beat Princeton!"

“I’ve always been drawn to children with special needs. I had a bunch of stuffed animals when I was a kid, and I’d sit them in rows and pretend to be their teacher. There was one bear named Moscow who had a broken eye and ripped ear, and I’d always make sure that the other animals were especially nice to him. So I knew early on that I wanted to be a special education teacher. This is a photo of the first play group that I organized outside of class. I was teaching at the time, and a lot of my parents were telling me that their children weren’t socializing with other members of the family, and it was very painful for them. So I organized an after-school playgroup in my basement. I’d work with the children on their interaction skills, while the mothers had a support group upstairs. The support group was very important for them. It’s very hard to be the parent of a special needs child. Your child develops at a slower pace than his peers, and you’re constantly hearing other parents say: ‘Mine is sitting. Mine is talking. Mine is crawling.’ And with each missed milestone, it’s difficult not to grieve the child that you didn’t have.”

"I’m trying not to hate my body. I love my hair and my hands, but everything else I wouldn’t mind switching out."

"I’ve got an idea for an exercise machine that’s going to smoke the whole exercise machine market. It’s called the Super Flow Flex 360 Infinity. It synchronizes you and lines up all your molecules to propel you into an inner dimension. It will literally take you out of this world. I’ve even got a slogan: ‘Super Flow Flex, better than sex.’"

"I’m just giving you a little taste of my energy right now. I’m not even full fledged. You can say that I’m a little bit of a holy man. I’ve seen a lot of miracles."
"What’s the biggest miracle you’ve ever seen?"
"One time a wild sparrow landed on my shoulder and sang while I played the drums."

"I’m terrible at journaling. But I do it anyway, because I think that maybe one day I’ll write something that I didn’t know before, and suddenly it will all make sense."

"I’m trying really, really hard to be authentic. Sometimes I’m successful, but other times I overthink it and a lot of bullshit comes out."