Niche nation: Pitching 5 bizarre TV shows for an all-Dallas network
Verizon announced this week that it has agreed to distribute Fort Worth’s Ride TV, an indie “equestrian lifestyle channel” that debuted on Oct. 1. Once you add the equestrian part, Ride’s pretty much what it sounds like. Or better, according to a press release: It produces original programming like “highly entertaining reality shows, talk shows, documentaries, children’s programming, [and] movies.”
Some of that includes Rock Star Vets, about an oil patch doc who “dips snuff, is tatted up and graduated Magna Cum Laude,” and who is a “brilliant equine surgeon who can drink more tequila than any person vertical.”
Seriously. That synopsis alone is better than half the writing on TV.
So no hatin’ on Ride TV. I grew up in a town of 200 with a cowboy dad who forced us to watch nonstop RFD-TV on the only television in our house that had satellite. Teenage me wasn’t crazy about live cattle auctions or tractor documentaries. (Though Baxter Black was my boy.) In retrospect, I’m glad my dad had a link to a community that he was, for the most part, too remote to actually be a part of.
Still, Ride TV is niche as hell. How far can we take this? Let’s do an all-Dallas channel! To my knowledge, none of these television shows currently exist. But, if you’ve got an upcoming conference with a network head and are in need of filler, pitch these:
SMU Fratiators: No drinking games or even quiz bowl trivia here. We’re talking actual hand-to-hand combat in the [Moody] Coliseum. How can you rightly call it panhellenic unless there’s some Greco-Roman maneuvers involved?
Wizards of White Rock: A reality show following locals on their quest to go pro. Follow the heartbreaking territorial rift between Lakewood’s clan and Preston Hollow planeswalkers. Season cliffhanger leaves us with James in rehab trying to shake the “cardboard crack.”
America’s Next Top Cat Meme: Grumpy Cat has her own movie. We want to do a spin-off ripoff, but Dallas doesn’t have a Tardar Sauce of its own. At least not one that’s been discovered yet. Does your feline have star power? Original grumpy cat Simon Cowell can’t commit to judge, but Alan Arkin’s agent picked up the phone at least once.
Queens of the Court: It’s like Judge Judy — small claims court — but presided over by The Rose Room’s glamorous divas. There’s no “lip syncing for one’s life,” a la RuPaul’s Drag Race. But capital punishment does include life without sole. (Flats only.)
Mall Walk, Fast Talk: Finally, a good old fashioned sitcom set at NorthPark. There’s a laugh track and track suits, not to mention dialogue snappier than Dick Van Dyke crossed with that handsome Tony Danza boy. The central driving theme is the will-they-won’t-they between Burt and Myrtle, and Mary-Dell’s signature fringed pixie is expected to surpass The Rachel in a landslide when it comes to follicular copycats.