2013 Turkeys of the Year — Looking Back at the Best of the Worst

We don't criticize Cruz for his stance on the Affordable Care Act. It's a colossal clusterfuck bordering on outright disaster. Barack Obama made promises about it that he knew at the time were simply not part of the legislation, which is unforgivable and inherently more appalling than Cruz's futile non-filibuster. Cruz could have followed up Green Eggs and Ham by telling his fellow senators for the next 16 hours that he had a wocket in his pocket, and it still wouldn't have made him as terrible as Obama. But this is the Houston Turkeys of the Year, and — as most of Cruz's supporters would tell you — Obama is from Kenya.

We must point out, however, that Cruz claims to have a bare-bones outline of an Obama­Care alternative: He wants consumers to be able to buy insurance policies across state lines; he wants to expand health savings accounts; and he wants to cut the cord between insurance and employment. Cruz has promised to actually flesh this out and package it into a bill in coming weeks, so he's pretty confident that, ten months into the gig, he can persuade his colleagues to repeal a massive federal program and implement his own. Good for him. In the meantime, we're going to try to get that $5 million Benghazi bounty. We figure our chances are about as good as Cruz's.

SPORTS TURKEY OF THE YEAR:

FOOD TURKEY OF THE YEAR "...and restaurant marquees should be like Albert Einstein: not fucking stupid."

ENTERTAINMENT TURKEY OF THE YEAR Kanye's planned "New Slaves" screenings at the Rothko Chapel (top) and downtown Houston Public Library didn't go quite as planned.

Details

Find out more about our Turkeys of the Year:

Ted Cruz: Sen. Ted Cruz Will Stop Being Canadian, ASAP
Gary Kubiak: Finally, Gary Kubiak Is Right. It's on Him.
Armed Citizens Project: Purportedly Nonpartisan Houston Nonprofit Seeks to Arm Neighborhoods, Observe Effects
Roots Bistro: Roots Bistro Makes Tasteless Domestic Violence Joke on Marquee to Sell Beer
Kanye West: The Kanye/Rothko Chapel "New Slaves" Fiasco
Hunter Todd: W[t]F? WorldFest Founder/CEO Hunter Todd Searches Fest Attendee's Bag "Because She Is a Muslim."

Related Stories

• If Bands Sponsored NFL Teams: The NFC
  August 19, 2014
• Brett Hartmann Files Revised NRG Turf Lawsuit
  November 11, 2014
• The 10 Best Texans Bye Week Rapper Tweets
  November 10, 2014
• The 10 Best Texans-Eagles Rapper Tweets
  November 3, 2014
• Eagles Win War of Attrition and the Game as Texans Fall at NRG Stadium
  November 3, 2014

More About

• Houston Texans
• Dave Wilson
• AFC South
• Hunting Weapons
• Hunting and Fishing

Gary Kubiak, alleged coach of NFL franchise

Kubes has taken a worse drubbing this season than his team's defensive line. The man's under a tremendous amount of pressure. Apparently, not enough pressure to actually figure out how to win a freaking game, but pressure just the same. When he suffered a ministroke and collapsed on the field in front of millions of viewers, it was an important reminder that Gary Kubiak is not just a coach, but a mortal human being. At the end of the day, he's just a regular guy who puts his pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us. Sure, he goes out and makes a bunch of terrible calls and loses a shitload of games after he puts those pants on, but still. That's why, even though he clearly deserves to be this year's Sports Turkey, we didn't want to pile on the hate. We figured we'd let the man's very own to-do list — provided by a source close to the Texans organization — do the talking for us.

POLITICAL TURKEY OF THE YEAR (Group category):

Armed Citizen Project

The reason we dislike this group, which provides free shotguns to people in "mid-high crime neighborhoods," is that it doesn't go far enough. For one thing, there appears to be a one-gun-per-household limit, and if you live alone, that's practically rolling out the red carpet for bad guys.

Say you're in the bathroom when one of those people (we think you know who we're talking about) breaks in, but you, like any normal person, keep your Mossberg under your pillow. You're toast, buddy.

According to the group's Web site, "If a gang of four breaks into your house, it is best for your wife to be equipped with 30 rounds of .223 if possible, and we fully support the decision of firearm owners to be prepared for all eventualities."

O RLY?

If the ACP were truly interested in helping homeowners prepare for "all eventualities," it would have partnered with similar civic-minded nonprofits, like Grenades for Grandmas, in order to supplement its home-protection mission. And for goodness' sake, how is a five-year-old supposed to effectively fire a shotgun at a home invader, or aren't our precious towheaded children worthy of protection as well? At the very least, the ACP could offer automatic pistols to kids under 12. (For example, a Ruger LCP weighs only 9.4 ounces and is small enough to fit in an Easy-Bake Oven.)

Also, statistics show that shotguns alone are no match for ninjas. Sure, a 12-gauge might work against your garden-variety punk, but when you have an agile assassin clad in a skintight black suit wielding a chigiriki and more throwing stars than you can shake a stick at, your shotgun is about as handy as a water pistol. If you're lucky, you might catch a glimpse of such an intruder tiptoeing down the hall, but by the time you point and shoot, the sneaky bastard is hanging upside down from the chandelier behind you, and, oh, hello, is that a blowgun in his mouth?

Seriously, Armed Citizen Project. Go big or go home.

FOOD

TURKEY OF THE YEAR:

Roots Bistro

If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that domestic violence is inherently funny. In fact, we'd rank it just one cut above the Holocaust and one below childhood leukemia on the LAFF-O-METER. Surprisingly, not everyone agrees, which is why Roots Bistro caught some flak when they posted the message "Beer should be like violence: domestic" on their marquee in April. The manager told the Houston Press that the sign was up for only ten minutes, but we're actually more curious about how long it took to create the sign in the first place.