How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

All photos by Nate "Igor" Smith

A stocking-stuffer spotted at the Exxxotica expo in Edison, New Jersey.

The holidays are fast approaching, with the accompanying seasonal joy, department store stampedes, and mommy-on-mommy assault charges. To help you avoid disappointing everyone you love with boring gift cards, we went to the Exxxotica love and sex expo in Edison, New Jersey, over the weekend and found a perfect gift for everyone on your list.

See also: Photos: At Exxxotica, a Chance to Meet Porn Stars Off-Screen (NSFW)

For your sadistic and controlling boss
Dick 'n Jane Toys Sex Sling
What is it? A sex sling package set. Use it to suspend a person (or persons) up to 750 lbs and restrain them with the included chains, clips, and sleeves. Packs neatly into its ballistic nylon bag for easy travel (and at 49 pounds, it just meets most domestic-airline weight requirements). Enjoy taking meeting notes from the comfortable sling seat!
Cost: $500.00
Where to buy: dnjtoys.com, a family-owned and -operated business.

For your unlucky-in-love brother-in-law
Brides Made in Ukraine membership
What is it? If all goes well, it's a new bride and a lifetime of love and companionship. Brides Made in Ukraine is a matchmaking service started by married duo Elena Vepritskaya and Stephen Pellicano, who launched their business to address the unmet needs and issues they observed during their own experience with a different company. Prospective suitors are interviewed in person and are sent photos, bios, and intro videos of potential Ukrainian matches on a thumb drive. Once a match (or matches) is identified, they'll put the parties in touch and even translate. This is not your typical banner bride site.
Cost: $450 for 3 months of unlimited email correspondence; $199 for 1 month. As Pellicano points out, this is about the same price as a big night at the strip club (with a much better ROI).
Where to buy: BridesMadeInUkraine.com.

For your redditor cousin with dorm walls to decorate
"Wet" Original Painting and Vulva Sculptures
What is it? An original painting by artist Fang Ling Lee, showcasing the joys of coed showers (and the importance of maintaining a tidy bathroom). Also available at this booth were vulva sculptures by the artist's father for a more wallet-friendly decor option. Definitely better than a Bob Marley blacklight poster.
What it'll cost you: $2,500 (or $20 per vulva)
Where to buy: This particular painting is not available online; to inquire or purchase other works, visit FangLingLee.com.

For your significant other's parents (just kidding) For your bro who slams his laptop shut every time someone enters the room
Pussy Juice Personal Lubricant
What is it? Lubricant made from 100% natural female vaginal and oral secretions. A very different take on locally sourced, organic, fair-trade juice, Pussy Juice functions the same as any other lube -- the added frisson comes from its source. The standard collection is available in Asian, Caucasian, Ebony, Latina, and Saliva (company's wording) or you can pop for premium juice from adult performers like Natasha Starr, Dillion Harper, Alana Luv, and more. Entrepreneurial types can purchase the Independent Business Owner Kit, which contains all the tools necessary for collecting and branding the product.
Cost: $29.99 for plebe juice, $59.99 for juice from the loins of stars. Each 4 oz bottle comes with photos and a letter from the juice donor (so long, endangered tiger cub and named constellation).
Where to buy: PussyJuiceLube.com.

For your colleague/neighbor/bodega owner who's always telling you that "you look like you need a hug"
BBW Crushing Show/BBW Cam House Membership
What is it? Crushing falls somewhere between a particularly warm embrace and a friendly smothering (with more boob or butt, depending on your preference). At Exxxotica, BBW performers Bella Bendz and Eliza Allure were crushing 87-lb performer Odette Delacroix and Exxxotica attendees live in the BBW Cam House booth and they've repeated the experience online in the past.
What it'll cost you: $5.00 live; site promises full access to all action for under 25 cents a day
Where to buy: Subscribe to full site access at bbwcamhouse.com or go to Exxxotica 2015 for live crushing.

More gift ideas are on the next page.