2013 Turkeys of the Year — Looking Back at the Best of the Worst

Thanksgiving is especially memorable this year, not only because it comes on the heels of the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's assassination, but also because it marks a year of truly historic Texas turkeyism.

We need look no further than Governor Rick Perry's expected quixotic repeat run for the White House. For at least a few months, the country will once again be subjected to the sputtering misfires of the World's Worst Debater, a man who, like a petulant only child, stomped his feet and called for multiple special legislative do-overs until his abortion laws passed. Quite simply, Perry was not going to rest until he and state Republicans had their paws on every uterus from Amarillo to Galveston.

Jumping in to show that Lone Star legislators can just as efficiently kill decent bills as rubber-stamp rotten ones, Friendswood Senator Larry Taylor put the kibosh on a bill that would have aligned state regulations with a federal law making it a crime to hunt sharks only for their fins. We're not really sure which special interest group this could have possibly appeased, but we're guessing it might be that small but powerful grass-roots movement called The Directorate Of Unified Conservative Houston Executives (D.O.U.C.H.E.), which we understand has a satellite office in Taylor's living room.

Daniel Kramer

TURKEY OF THE YEAR I do not like Obamacare, Ted I am.

Aaron M. Sprecher

Sports Turkey of the Year Gary Kubiak

Details

Find out more about our Turkeys of the Year:

Ted Cruz: Sen. Ted Cruz Will Stop Being Canadian, ASAP
Gary Kubiak: Finally, Gary Kubiak Is Right. It's on Him.
Armed Citizens Project: Purportedly Nonpartisan Houston Nonprofit Seeks to Arm Neighborhoods, Observe Effects
Roots Bistro: Roots Bistro Makes Tasteless Domestic Violence Joke on Marquee to Sell Beer
Kanye West: The Kanye/Rothko Chapel "New Slaves" Fiasco
Hunter Todd: W[t]F? WorldFest Founder/CEO Hunter Todd Searches Fest Attendee's Bag "Because She Is a Muslim."

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That contingent also has an ally on the Houston City Council, in the form of one Helena Brown, whose brave stance against the Old Testament's cockamamie commandment not to steal was illustrated by her opposition to the Council's proposed anti-wage-theft ordinance. In this respect, she was echoing German theologian and pastor Martin Niemöller: "First they came for the greedy jerks, and I didn't speak out..."

But one thing that sticks out as an especially turkey-esque move was the vote to obliterate the Astrodome. Sure, it is a crumbling husk of a once-great monument that cost the county more than a million a year in utilities, but it's still an important part of Houston's history, and it's not like the city is suffering from a glut of historic preservation.

So as we wave good-bye to an icon of our identity, let us also look back at the infamous feathered flock of gobblers whose idiocy reigned supreme. Fix yourseld a mimosa and pull up a seat while we grab the carving knife and dig into the 2013 Turkeys of the Year.

TURKEY OF THE YEAR:

U.S. Senator Ted Cruz

If you're a politician, it's just too damn easy to tick off members of your opposition. It takes a surgeon's skill to reap bipartisan disdain. There's obviously a large faction of Texans who admire this maverick's moxie — his refusal to play by Washington's rules, his resistance to compromise. Such chutzpah might actually be something to applaud had the dude actually accomplished anything in the last year beyond bringing the federal government to a screeching halt.

If Cruz has proven anything, it's that he's awesome at building brand recognition. He's the "outsider." He's the one who listens to the people, not the special-interest groups. Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, what's next? Dude held the legislative branch of the U.S. Government hostage for 21 hours — knowing that, constitutionally, the tactic would yield bupkis — including a reading of Green Eggs and Ham. He talked about an inspiring speech delivered by the great philosopher and orator Ashton Kutcher. Overall, Cruz proved that he was in many ways just like the entrenched Beltway politicos he pillories — he can sometimes hit the right notes; he's just not interested in following through.

"We need to do a better job of listening to the people," he said within the first hour of his showdown, when there was a glimmer of hope that, crazy as it might sound, maybe the guy had a plan. "If the top priority of the American people is jobs and the economy, I am going to suggest the top priority of Congress should be jobs and the economy."

We would agree with that, and you'd think a senator with laser focus on "jobs and the economy" would introduce legislation to that effect. Instead, we get these: a bill regarding government liability "for certain third-party claims arising from commercial space launches"; a bill calling for Iran to release political prisoners; a bill adjusting how private employers dole out comp time; a bill to rename a federal courthouse in Sherman, Texas; and bills regarding abortion and voter-ID requirements. As far as we can tell, the only legislation he's proposed that relates to the economic welfare of Texans is a bill that would authorize the U.S. Secretary of State to offer a $5 million award for information regarding the Benghazi attack — who knows, perhaps some struggling, unemployed Texan will hit that jackpot.

Call us jaded, but we get the feeling that this man elected to represent the people of Texas seems a tad more concerned about representing himself.

When Senator Rand Paul, during the 21-hour monologue, asked Cruz if he wanted to "shut down the government, or would he like to find something to make ObamaCare less bad," Cruz responded by telling a story about his black ostrich skin boots.