Original Broadcast
Script
GK: …..after a word from AIEEE….. the American Association of Extremely Elderly Individuals…… It’s November and suddenly (BLIZZARD) it turns cold on the northern tundra and the young people in your family give you the look (THROAT CLEARING) —– and you know that your time has come.
SS: We are almost out of seal blubber, Old One. The igloo is crowded. It is time for you to take off your parka and take the last long walk across the ice floes.
GK: But I’m still healthy. I have so much yet to live for.
FN: You haven’t killed a seal in many moons, Old One. You eat and you eat and you bring in no food.
GK: No, but I’m a storyteller. I pass on the wisdom of the tribe in telling about our struggles for survival in the past.
SS: Like the story about the two penguins on the ice floe and one says, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo”? That one?
GK: I know others.
FN: We’ve heard your stories, over and over, Old One. Now it’s time to take the walk. Don’t make us throw you out onto the ice and sic the dogs on you.
SS: Go, Old One. Go now.
GK: What happened to the idea of the golden years? Sitting in the sunshine? Maybe I should go south.
TR: Many of the Old Ones head south for the desert and many of them die —- they have heart attacks playing tennis (SFX), they’re struck by a golf ball (SFX), they’re eaten by alligators (SFX), they get chlorine poisoning from swimming pools (SFX), they die of boredom (SFX) — because they’re tundra people, not meant to lounge in the sun. The best thing for an Old One to do when the tribe turns on you is to do your job. Keep on telling stories. But tell better ones.
GK: So — I remember the big walrus hunt back in 1974. I was walking across the ice and suddenly there was a noise behind me. I was reaching for my spear when the biggest polar bear I’d ever seen jumped out of the water at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! …I tell you, I just crapped in my pants.
SS: I don’t blame you, I would have too.
GK: No, no…not back then, just now, I crapped in my pants, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!
FN: Somebody come and wash his pants! But that’s it for you, Gramps. Once more and you’re out of here. (WOLF HOWL)
TR: A message from AIEEEE….the American Association of Extremely Elderly Individuals.
