My mother, a former alcoholic, wants to move in with me

The dilemma My mother, who was an alcoholic throughout my childhood, finally sobered up two years ago – at the age of 57. I am thrilled for her and proud she’s managed to do it. I am also angry with her. I wonder why she couldn’t have sorted herself out earlier, when I needed her most. The damage she inflicted on me – in the form of emotional and verbal abuse – destroyed my self-confidence and took a long time for me to fix. She has recently asked if she can move in with me, as she has nowhere else to go. I’m the only one of her three children who still speaks to her, so I’m all she has. I love her and I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want her in my house.

Mariella replies How about just the way you told me? There is nothing wrong with continuing to offer your mother emotional and practical support without taking her on as your flatmate.

You say you’re against this request because you’re still angry with her, but you are doing yourself a disservice. Rather than blaming an emotional reflex and denigrating yourself for failing to offer refuge, I’d claim it as a thoroughly sensible choice.

Foisting responsibility for her well-being back on to her child, especially the only one still supporting her, is neither fair nor, more importantly, the best route for her sustained recovery. You’re probably also worried that any setback might tip her back on the booze, but one of the essential aspects of conquering an addiction is taking responsibility for your own life and choices.

It would be lovely to imagine that your mum could move in, make tangible improvements to your life, appreciate your hospitality, and that the two of you would cohabit amicably. We both know that’s a pretty unlikely scenario. Instead, the daily attrition you might cause each other could even reverse her recovery.

One of the wider issues with addiction is the wear and tear it inflicts, not just on the addict themselves but reverberating down generations. Taking responsibility for your mother now – which is more or less what she’s asking – won’t cure her illness. I’m sure you’re feeling guilty and worried, and my saying that you have a right to refuse won’t take away those anxieties. Blaming your decision not to take her in on your continuing anger towards her, however, will only make you feel worse. May I suggest that you think about the situation more practically, both from her point of view and your own?

The reasons she shouldn’t become reliant on you aren’t emotional – they’re pragmatic and realistic, bearing in mind what’s gone before. The potential for volatility created by the two of you living in close proximity would threaten the only surviving relationship she has with her children. It’s far more important that you maintain your current level of interaction than that you offer your roof over her head. Maintaining an open door to your mum, despite the pain caused during your formative years, is admirable and the right thing to do. Allowing her to think the door is so wide open that she can walk right in and plonk her bags on the floor is another thing entirely.

Regardless of alcohol issues, most adults wouldn’t want a needy parent moving in. The domestic dynamics of having another adult, let alone a vulnerable addicted parent come to live with you, would be daunting. Your sense of responsibility towards your mother and your endurance in the face of what’s clearly been a very difficult upbringing are to your credit. Also, as you say, your mother has achieved a great deal in staying sober for two years. Continuing what I imagine is your vital support for her depends in part on your ability to remain strong, supportive and detached. Living together has the potential to threaten each of those essential ingredients.

Dealing with the anger your mother’s addiction has fuelled in you is your responsibility and something I would strongly advise. It’s natural to feel you have been mistreated but also important that you learn to forgive and enjoy the rest of your life, detached from that early unhappiness. The impact of addictive behaviour on family and friends is widely accepted as being extremely damaging, and organisations such as the AA and Al-Anon run groups for those affected. Try a meeting to see if it’s helpful.

Overcoming the hangover created by your mother’s addiction is the challenge you need to rise to – and one you will definitely need to tackle if you want to prevent a potentially damaging cycle of behaviour. Focusing on an improved dynamic is a far better route to improving both your lives than the short-term gains of complying with your mother’s desire to move in.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1