Stick to TED Talks

Sixth Circuit Strikes Down Gay Marriage For Stupid Reasons That Are Dumb

But we're leaving out The Gay, right? Right!
Well, looky here, the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals has decided to cram homophobia down everyone’s throats. Talk about judicial activism! In a 2-1 decision, the three-judge panel — with the dissenter writing a most epic dissent, but we’ll get to that — ruled in DeBoer v. ...
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  Poll Axed

South Carolina Exit Poll Seeks Accurate Measurement Of Black Uppitiness

Everybody has a logo
In today’s “You’re sure this isn’t from National Report?” news — because it sounds like bullshit, but isn’t witty enough to be from The Onion — we have this story out of South Carolina, where voters in several cities were asked some perfectly ...
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  Very Serious Journalism

Dumb White House Spokesman Cannot Even Answer Simple Question What A Jerk

OMG, you guys, the White House is in total denial about the results of Tuesday’s election, but thankfully, the Very Serious Journalists of the White House press corps are ON IT. And Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home For Cocaine-Fueled Journalismists is ON THEM being ON IT, ...
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  #ReadyForGraham

Lindsey Graham Turns Other Cheek, Will Not Seek Bloody, Stabby, Murdery ‘Revenge’

Aw, he's so nice
We have been so sexcited ever since South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham teased that he just might have to run for president in 2016 so all the rich white men who belong to men-only clubs will finally have their own president for the first time ever. And since Graham won re-election on Tuesday ...
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  the doctor is in

2016 Black Republican Superstar Dr. Ben Carson Is Putting Out A Documentary About Dr. Ben Carson

Nobody rides the gravy train without a presidential run
It’s been a whole two days since the complete destruction of the Obama Regime, so of course that means it’s time to get ready for the 2016 presidential campaign. And first into the fray, or at least the fraying pan, is Dr. Ben Carson, the guy whose every thought has to be brilliant ...
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  Poor Little Prick Boy

Eric Cantor Is America’s Saddest Republican

Scootaloo is too young to understand 'misplaced empathy'
Its a sad week for Democrats, and a really happy week for Republicans, at least most of them, except maybe for Scott Brown, who’s busy crying bitter tears and checking the real estate listings in Vermont and Maine. But it turns out that Brown is not alone in feeling left out from the ...
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  Stop Impeaching Yourself

GOP Really Wishes Obama Would Stop Trying To Bait Them Into Impeachment

Dear GOP please impeach me kthxbai
Look, Republicans do not want to have to impeach President Obama. They have said it time and time again. Sen. John McCain said he really did not want to have to impeach Obama for warring on Syria. And in 2013, when the GOP House caucus had a secret meeting to talk about impeaching the ...
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  You Can't Make An Omelette Without Fucking That Chicken

GOP’s Awesome Plan To Make America All Better, Starting With Killing A Million Jobs

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
John Boehner and Mitch McConnell have affixed their names to a VERY IMPORTANT op-ed in the Wall Street Journal today,* explaining all the terrific fresh new ideas that they’ll be able to accomplish with their brand-new Republican control of Congress. It’s so fresh and exciting! Just ...
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  Now that's what I call oppression of Christians

Eat Figs Like A Franciscan For Poor Beheaded St. Nikola Tavelic

Nikola Tavelic was a 14th century Franciscan missionary from Croatia. He was born into nobility and joined the priesthood. He and five dozen other Franciscans traveled around Bosnia converting heretics, including the hilariously named Bogomils. If you enjoy the garbage produced by that hack Dan ...
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  Now that's what I call oppression of Christians

Last Month’s Jobless Claims Fall To 14-Year Low. Thanks Republican Senate!

Let Mitch get this round, ladies
Well, look at that! The Republicans take the Senate, and in less than 48 hours, the four-week average of initial jobless claims falls to a 14-year low! Now that’s a jobs plan! About 278,000 people filed for first-time unemployment benefits, down 10,000 from the previous week. The decline ...
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  New plan

Democrats Have Great Exciting New Idea: Being Democrats

Here, Dems, is your new business model
Here’s an idea that’s so crazy, it just might work! After the thorough ass-kicking the Democratic Party suffered on Election Day, some Democrats are considering the possibility that maybe running “Democratic” candidates who are embarrassed to be Democrats is not the best ...
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  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rachel Has Some Silver Linings For You, And One’s A Butt (Video)

She likes Tom Butt and she cannot lie...
After Tuesday’s electoral disappointments — disappointments? More like tectonic skullfucking — we’re all in the mood for whatever bits of relief we can find. And while you might expect to find Rachel Maddow singing the blues, if you ask her for some happy news, ...
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  clipbait

Jon Stewart Calls Midterm Elections ‘A Tectonic Skullf*cking’

Here's your new congressional seal
On Wednesday’s Daily Show, Jon Stewart says he didn’t have a chance to watch the results of Tuesday’s election (we’re not entirely sure we believe him; that may be one of those sarcasm satire jokey things), but according to the show’s montage of reports from all ...
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  Fraught With Fraud

Wingnut Group’s Exciting ‘Vote Fraud’ App Discovers Black Woman In Polling Place

There he is plotting the whole thing
The tech-savvy wingnuts at True The Vote (a group inalterably opposed to both truth and voting) had a brilliant idea to allow their supporters to document all the dirty shenanigans and voter fraud that they just knew for sure was going on in the election this year: A week before the election, ...
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  Tortoise Song Trilogy

Ted Cruz Will Be New Senate Majority Leader, Pope, Astronaut, And Ballerina

Behold! He stands before us!
With Mitch McConnell’s reelection and the Republicans taking over the Senate, America’s first Otherkin Senator is poised to finally ascend to the Senate Majority Leader job that he has wanted since forever. And who knows, maybe Ted Cruz will actually let him do that! At the moment, ...
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  Christie/Walker 2016

Scott Walker Clinches Lowest Seed In 2016 Primary Bracket

So… Wisconsin. We here at the Washington Bureau have largely averted our eyes from this particular race until now, preferring instead to ease ourselves into the abstract knowledge that Scott Walker was, in fact, rewarded for his behavior with another term in office. While we’re ...
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  Every Single One Of Us The Devil Inside

Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
Yr Wonkette would just like to know: is there somewhere we can subscribe to a 24/7 video stream of the Colorado House of Representatives when it starts its next session? Because one of our favorite crazies, disgraced former Navy chaplain and nutso webcast preacher Gordon “Dr. Chaps” ...
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  national treasures

God Closes Michele Bachmann Door, Opens Joni Ernst Window

She hearts you 'Merica
Today, in the gloom of the morning after, we must come together to give thanks to our assorted heathen gods for Joni Ernst, Jester-Elect of the United States Senate. Joni Ernst is an anchor for us to cling to in the midst of a turbulent midterm election that saw our electoral expectations ...
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  god bless the usa

Sarah Palin Pretty Sure Sarah Palin To Thank For GOP Midterm Tidal Wave

Sarah Palin, remember her? She was that lady who socialized Alaska’s oil, fought the good old boy network, and broke the glass ceiling in the Land of the Midnight Sun? We know, it’s hard to place her, due to her eschewing of the limelight and total unwillingness to say whatever ...
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  good morning good morning good morning to you

GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?

Oh, sorry, we forgot to use our Suicide Hangover voice for you, our beloved wonker, who is now dead from suicide and also booze. How was your night last night? Was it full of your suicide? That’s too bad. We will wait until your comrade Mojopo wakes from her suicide hangover, and see if ...
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  insert Wizard of Oz joke of your choosing

Kansas Decides Its Republicans Have Not Sucked Enough Yet, Need More Time To Suck

For a few crazy weeks this fall, the very foundation of what we know about Kansas was suddenly shaken. Was it possible that a politician running there with an R after his name might not be assured victory until death or retirement, regardless of job performance or actual state of residence?  We ...
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