Victor Holmes (left) and Mark Phariss (right) in Antarctica in December 2012. (Courtesy of Mark Phariss)
I met Vic in San Antonio in the spring of 1997 at a birthday party for a mutual friend. Vic, then 27, was six feet tall, dark-haired and athletic without an ounce of fat on him. He was very handsome.
He was also articulate, with an easy smile, eyes that twinkled and a face and personality that indicated a good person. I was smitten. For me, it was love at first sight.
That night, I asked our mutual friend if I could have Vic’s phone number. He gave it to me, after first getting Vic’s permission.
Not wanting to appear too anxious, I waited several days before calling Vic for a date. Unfortunately, when I did Vic told me he was already dating someone.
Although disappointed, I decided a friendship was better than nothing. So we hung out as friends. We went to movies and dinners, watched TV, talked and laughed, and in general had a great time.
In August 1997, Vic and his boyfriend broke up and I immediately asked him out. When he said yes, I was overjoyed.
We had our first date on August 9, 1997, at another friend’s house. This time, rather than a birthday party, the event was a fundraiser for the Human Rights Campaign, a national LGBTQ lobbying organization, with Betty DeGeneres, Ellen’s mother, one of the speakers. (What a treat for a first date!)
Vic asked what he should wear. I told him a nice shirt and khakis. Although I didn’t know it until many years later, Vic did not know what khakis were and had to call his mother. He then had to buy a pair.
As usual, Vic looked great, stunning in his new khakis. My heart went pitter-patter when I saw him. It’s been going pitter-patter ever since.
Vic stayed that night at my house. For the next several months, we spent most but not all nights together. Around November 1997, I asked him to move in permanently, and he agreed. We lived together for the next two years.
Vic and Mark on the Amazon River in Peru in July 2013. (Courtesy of Mark Phariss)
In 1999, the Air Force transferred him to San Diego, California, then Biloxi, Mississippi, then Little Rock, Arkansas, then Wichita Falls, Texas. Vic was stationed elsewhere for 11 years in all.
During those 11 years, Vic and I commuted to see each other — every two to three weekends when he was in San Diego and Biloxi and every weekend after that.
We talked during the day several times a day, including every morning to say “good morning” and every evening to say “goodnight.” We emailed each other and later, when texting became common, we texted.
Vic and I also talked via video over the Internet in order for him to see our beagles, our four-legged children.
So they would remember who he was, Vic would send me home with his dirty T-shirts to give to the dogs. When I picked Vic up at the airport, I always brought the dogs, who greeted him with lots of woofing and slurping. Of course, I greeted him, too, but just with a kiss and a hug — no woofing.
During these years, we had to hide our relationship. Vic was in the Air Force, and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was the law of the land. We developed code words and phrases to say “I love you.”
Vic had a “girlfriend” who later became his “fiancé” — or at least that’s what Vic told people who became too inquisitive about his personal life. The girlfriend was a friend of ours, as was her husband.
To make sure Vic and I could be more open about our relationship, we began vacationing overseas.
We have now traveled to Antarctica and the Arctic, Africa and the Amazon, Asia and the Galapagos, Italy and Spain. We have been to all continents. We are literally traveling through life together, bound by a love for each other and a desire to see (and photograph) the world.
In December 2010, just as legislation repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was being signed by President Obama, Vic retired as a major from the Air Force after almost 23 years.
Finally, we were able to live together again, and we still cherish it. We kiss each other good morning and goodnight. And as hard as it may be for some to believe, we have not had an argument in our entire 17 years together (although Vic’s driving — or perhaps my backseat driving — have brought us perilously close at times).
Of course, there have been some hard times, but we have handled them together. We consoled each other when one of our beloved beagles, a close friend or cherished relative died.
I’m not sure I could have handled any of those events without him. Through it all, Vic has been and is my best friend. And I am his.
Vic and Mark in Africa, at the most southern point, in October 2005. (Courtesy of Mark Phariss)
In love, we have wanted to marry for a long time, but Vic’s involvement in the military and Texas law made that impossible.
Last year’s Windsor decision gave us hope. In October, we flew to San Antonio, the city where we met, to apply for a marriage license. When we were turned down, we and another couple filed a lawsuit challenging the constitutionality of Texas’ ban on same-sex marriages.
On February 26 of this year, a federal court in San Antonio agreed with us. The State of Texas has now appealed the federal court’s decision to the 5th Circuit, something I wish the State of Texas — our state — had not done. And, despite filing it, we wish the State of Texas would drop its appeal, since it cannot reasonably believe it will prevail.
However, knowing the State of Texas will not discontinue its appeal, Vic and I hope the 5th Circuit will hold a hearing on and uphold the district court’s decision soon. The 5th Circuit should invalidate Texas’ ban on same-sex marriages just like virtually every other federal court and court of appeals has invalidated other states’ bans.
The sooner the 5th Circuit acts the better. Justice delayed is justice denied.
And ultimately we look forward to the day that is inevitably coming when after more than 17 years we can marry the one we love in the state we love.
Mark Phariss is a Plano, Texas corporate attorney. He and his partner of 17 years, Vic Holmes, are co-plaintiffs in the Texas case challenging the constitutionality of Texas’ ban on same-sex marriages, which is now pending before the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals.