We Regret To Announce That Your Request Of “Gotta Hear Both Sides” Has Been Denied
Previously: Your request to play devil’s advocate has been denied.
Dear Applicant,
Thank you for your recent inquiry about hearing both sides. According to our records, this marks the fourth submission in as many days as to whether or not we have heard both sides. We regret to inform you that we have not.
On March the 2nd, you interrupted a conversation by asking “In fairness, have you heard both sides?”
On April the 13th, you spoke over a work acquaintance, reminding her that “We can’t actually form an opinion about this until we’ve heard both sides.”
While in an ideal world perhaps we would listen to all sides, the volume of requests we receive on a daily basis makes this impossible. We have decided to move ahead with our lives without hearing from your side. It is with very sincere regret that we must inform you we will not be listening to both sides, and have no plans to listen to both sides in the future. Just the one side will have to do.
You may find it a comfort to know that we are very familiar with the side in question. We remain entirely confident in this side’s ability to make itself heard, and wish nothing but the best for your side’s listeners in the future.
What will happen once we’ve decided not to hear both sides? We do not know. We are sailing into uncharted waters. Perhaps we will never return. There may be many sides — dodecahedrons, even — we will neglect to hear. This is a burden we are prepared to take on.
We wish you and your side all of the best and now consider the matter closed,
The Management
Tags: false equivalences, gotta hear both sides, humor, request denied, rhetoric
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Digitopolis was full of unspeakable horrors and I love this guy the most.
This is awesome and makes me wonder where EP Wordsnatcher is – haven't seen her for a while. Hope all is well, EP, miss you!
She commented on yesterday's Wrinkle in Time post; I think she's around! It's probably tricky to be Ever-Present all the time.
I think she had mentioned a few weeks ago that she was starting a new job and that her Toast time would be severely limited. We are thinking about you, EP!!
This is the best first comment on a post there has ever been.
I came to the comments looking for exactly this. God bless you.
but mallory actually it's about ethics in video game journalism
actually its about freedom of speech
actually it's about states' rights
#notallconfederates
reverse side-ism
actually it's about the free market
<img src="http://i61.tinypic.com/33cuaa8.png">
actually it's about job creators
whoa please tell me more
actually, it's about mental health
YES
THIS FOREVER MALLORY
"Well, we haven't heard the other side of the story, but" NO THIS IS THE TIME WHERE I CHOKE YOU WITH MY SCARF. THE OTHER SIDE DOES NOT ALWAYS NEED TO BE HEARD. Real life is not a court of law. If I want to take the opinion that someone is being a jerk to my friend, guess what? I CAN HAVE WHATEVER OPINION I LIKE. I can tell my friend that that person is being a tremendous dillhole all I want and none of us are under any obligation to "hear the other side" like "oh maybe that person is just being a dillhole because today starts with T and once they were traumatized by a turtle so" NO. NOPE.
if turtles traumatize Tuesdays, what wounds Wednesdays? Wendigos?
whales
wallabies
wildebeest
wasps
WASPs
W.A.S.P.
Wombats ftw
The problem is that TODAY is traumatic, and it is always today…..
and you never get any jam
Bookmarking immediately for reference.
Right? Specifically, in re: the exact bloody conversation happening on my FB wall right now.
I like to post the link to the Devil's advocate one and unfriend.
Now I can do this twice as often! Or have twice as many untenable positions to bait someone into!
A friend of mine posted that article the other day, and somebody tried to Devil's Advocate it. He had apparently never experienced somebody taking the Devil's Advocate position for any reasons other than a desire to further clarify and understand their own position.
Because men.
THANK YOU. I am so sick of hearing people say we should wait and hear both sides on Jian Ghomeshi. Actually,his side has been heard loud and clear, and NO. just no.
And the other side (CBC) cannot be heard because of that disgusting lawsuit. So yes, please tell me more about how we gotta hear his side when that is the only side currently allowed under the law! HULK SMASH!
YES. Hulk smash indeed
I find it funny that this article is essentially like a horoscope – everyone projects their very own "other side" frustrations on it.
As to Ghomeshi, as a woman who is not into CBC (but is into BDSM ;) ), I have a terrible amount of mixed feelings about it
But in this case, his side CAME OUT FIRST. We all heard his side. Few people said "well, let's hear both sides" when he posted that PR piece.
This is the Toast's official comment moderation policy, right?
But in fairness–
This world ain't fair. Plus, it's a spheroid, so doesn't technically have sides. So there! :D
*slaps buzzer*
brb sending this to my mom
"Mom, you…follow the Daily Mail?"
"It's important to hear both sides."
– actual conversation
Ours was about Ben Rapist – I mean Roethslberger but that feel, I know it.
As a Pittsburgh expat, I feel this.
I have had that conversation with my mom many times :(
I don't think I have ever critiqued a public figure without my mom pulling out the "both sides" thing. And I'm like, "Mom, the other side is that he has a multimillion dollar career and public acclaim, I don't think he's that worried about my but-he's-a-rapist-and-i-hate-him side."
Yesyesyesyesyes. I saw this a while back (can't remember who said this) and immediately fell in love. How often have I felt this way but not really had the words to express it….
'In conflicts, evoking the narrative of "both sides" when there is equilibrium is understandable. Doing so when there is no parity between parties only serves the more powerful and creates a false perception of equality when there is none.'
Empathy and multiple points of view are great and all, but that doesn't negate right or wrong.
I want to like this a thousand times. So simple, so perfect.
"And now for the weather. Our meteorologists report that the forecast for tomorrow is a 20% chance of showers with a high of 55… but, to keep things objective and balanced, let's hear from some people who think it's a 75% chance of showers with a high of 90."
We have used our fancy weather satellites to predict this for you; up next – a man with some chicken entrails gives his thoughts on the probability of rain tomorrow!
whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needs more exclamation points.
"Let me tell you a wonderful secret about the U.S. and Canada: If you're not on a jury, you are allowed to hold any opinion you like of an accused criminal's guilt or innocence, regardless of whether he's been prosecuted and/or what the prosecution can prove! You are not required to wait until some vague future date when "all the evidence" has come in, nor to withhold judgment until a jury has decided the matter, nor even to accept that a jury verdict is necessarily correct! So far, there are no actual thought police—isn't that terrific news?"
http://www.damemagazine.com/2014/10/28/hey-jian-g…
GamerGate and Jian apologists: putting the "Devil" in "Devil's advocate".
I'm always like, "You shouldn't WANT to advocate for the devil, you colossal wad!"
For the sake of argument…
Look, I hear you talking about some incomprehensible forest but let me point out to you the only tree I can see.
ahhhhhhhhh this is the best.
After the equivocating of sexual harassment/abuse/"Did we really know what happenned if we don't hear from him?" drivel, poorly researched climate science reporting is, IMHO, the most eye-rollingest "both sides" fiddle-faddle and has contributed to so much bad policy. See:
In the end, adherence to the norm of balanced reporting leads to informationally biased coverage of global warming. This bias, hidden behind a veil of journalistic balance, creates . . . real political space for the U.S. government to shirk responsibility and delay action regarding global warming.
Also, vaccines. No, we don't need to hear both sides on whether vaccines are a life-saving miracle of science. They are. Done.
But you haven't told me what's wrong with [gets thrown out window onto sidewalk]
Defenestration is the answer to many an awkward situation.
I just came across a very puzzling example of "But consider both sides!" on a CBC article about (male, of course) Air Canada pilots looking at pornography on the flight deck:
<img src="http://i61.tinypic.com/2582yzb.png">
15 years from now this wont even be news, all the dont care about this stuff Millennials will be happily looking at porn on flight decks, crashing planes and leaving out apostrophes in contractions.
15000 years from now this wont even be news, humans will have evolved wings and will be happily looking at porn while flying and crashing into trees, mountain ranges and other people's houses, not that anyone will care about property damage because they're so free, easy and dont care about this stuff!
Request to turn the tables vehemently denied. The table is set.
Also, I have decided to stop responding to people who deny the existence of things like rape culture and the patriarchy/kyriarchy as if they have a valid opinion that is worthy of rebuttal. Sorry bro, the Earth is round, and rape culture is real. Just because you're too dense to understand it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Can the next in this series be "This First Person Narrative Is Not About You"?
SIGNED. Oh my god. I see this so much.
Followed immediately by "Discussion of Trends is Not About You, Either".
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Boy howdy did I get SOME SHIT about "gotta hear both sides" from two former friends after Michael Brown was shot. Their side of the story was that they had been the innocent victims of gun violence the prior summer – which was horrible! no one is denying what they went through – but uhhh what about white people?? I still don't understand. It was a hella dangerous and narcissistic attitude.
<img src="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/OPO3IjwCCTY/hqdefault.jpg" width="600">
Not that Lisa Simpson would endorse hearbothsides-ism, but I can't read or hear the word "dodecahedron" without thinking of this.
Funny how all this talk of "fairness" only ever comes out when an oppressed party tells those in power that they're wrong, hahahahahahahahahahoooo. (I hate everything.)
The key is to use the "both sides" nonsense with people who liked to say "We have to hear both sides."
"Ugh, I totally got rejected from this job because of AFFIRMATIVE ACTION."
"I dunno bro, I think you gotta here both sides on this one."
*Explodes*
LOVE it when the comments add context that extends the article and creates an amazing reading experience. This page wins.
Wish I could embed a tweet here, but this from Desus Nice made me cackle, https://twitter.com/desusnice/status/527528058782…
In related news, did anyone else accidentally glance at comments on anyone's sharing of that hidden camera catcalling video thinking "oh, this is a feminist blog, this could be insightful" before remembering that not all sites moderate comments? Thankfully, my hissing at the screen eventually became too loud to even focus on reading. DAMMIT, PEOPLE.
It's terrible outside of our nice Toasty comment zone. Other people are, I think, not as well loved by their moderators.
What's especially annoying is the people who are like , "we still don't have all the details about Michael brown. Wait til we get the whole story." And then they're like, "Obama was born in Kenya because Glenn beck said so and that's all the info I need." Suddenly they don't care so much about hearing both sides
Obama is also using Ebola to drive down gas prices and destroy America, apparently.
I just used this as my flounce on an incredibly obnoxious Facebook conversation with someone who denies the patriarchy and is also related to me. It felt good.
This is a little mushy, but honestly, I am pretty grateful for The Toast as a community of women who can show me what it looks like to be a bitch/dirtbag/laugh in people's faces and tell them you don't give a damn/have strong opinions about things (*cough* the Eagles) you won't back down on. It doesn't come easily to me and I love having a place that models what it's like to be like that. You guys. <3
How could anyone deny the patriarchy?
Project Women Backing Each Other Up
ILU. All of you. Especially Mallory.