The Onion
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The Onion - America's Finest News Source
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Lost.
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The Onion
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CHICAGO—Saying that the organization feels compelled to light a fire under its struggling quarterback, Chicago Bears general manager Phil Emery told reporters Wednesday that he is hoping to motivate Jay Cutler by offering him even more guaranteed mo...
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WASHINGTON—Citing decades of repeated indignities and post-electoral trauma, Americans from across the political spectrum reported Wednesday that they were terrified at the prospect of making their voices heard in another nationwide vote.
The U.S. e...
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Because once it hits congress it goes mute.
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On this week's Tough Season, Brad deals with the crushing defeat against Cameron by committing the ultimate Fantasy Football sin: complaining to the commissioner.
On this week's Tough Season, Brad deals with the crushing defeat against Cameron by committing the ultimate Fantasy Football sin: complaining to the commissioner.
Brad deals with the crushing defeat against Cameron by committing the ultimate fantasy football sin: complaining to the commissioner.
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He’s crushed skulls in the Under Realm. He’s ripped out the spines of his enemies. But ruthless up-and-comer Inferno says coming out was the most difficult thing he’s ever done.
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I'd rather the earth be swallowed whole by shao kahn than it be saved by a gay man
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SEATTLE— Stunned and dismayed that it will have no assistance in treating the serious mood disorder, the antidepressant Prozac cannot believe that it is being asked to fix this mess entirely on its own, sources said Wednesday.
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Oh okay.
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The Onion
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“Then why do they always paint pictures of God wearing a top hat and cape?”
“Then why do they always paint pictures of God wearing a top hat and cape?”
Pope Francis told one of the Vatican’s scientific academies that the theory of evolution is not inconsistent with the notion of God, saying that God is not a magician “with a magic wand able to do everything.” What do you think?
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I know Jesus, he does my lawn every week...
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CHICAGO—Regretting his failure to take advantage of the perfect opportunity, local street harasser Jason Foster told reporters Wednesday that he continues to be haunted by the woman who got away with her dignity intact.
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+Charles Xavior They're usually the ones who holler the loudest. Betty Friedan in a mini-skirt? You'd go back to admiring piano legs.
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GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Tossing and turning way past his beddy-bye, delicate little man Jeremy Palazola was reportedly unable to sleep Tuesday night because he drank a teensy bit of coffee after four o’clock.
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That they will elect a new set of lawmakers is not the case. One wishes that the statement were true. Over 80% of those winning elections on November 4 are incumbents. What we need are term limits. And that's no joke. The problem, of course, is that the deceivers, the ruling elite, are not about to make themselves eligible for unemployment. The Constitution is in need of drastic revisions. But, apathy reigns. So lets get back to satire.
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SARATOGA, CA—Casting numerous glances at the table of three, patrons at Gallo’s Italian Restaurant were said to be rapidly losing faith Monday that a nearby couple would do something about their 4-year-old son.
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Why not just put up a sign saying this establishment has a religious objection to serving parents with offspring present? Works against gays...
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It's a dud, Onion. Are you trying to set a record?
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BLOOMINGTON, MN—Attending a corporate leadership seminar at a local hotel conference center Wednesday, area sales director Mark Nellis reportedly felt his heart stop when a workshop speaker asked audience members to take a moment and turn to the per...
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Not into the asshole to elbow thing.
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