The story below is a joint effort from two girls who are taking a course from me in creative writing. Skylar Bluefield is a 5th grade student. Zahirria Woodland is a 7th grade student. This is their first attempt to write a publishable story from beginning to end. I am very proud of them. I think their writing shows creativity and maturity that belies their age. I hope you will join me in encouraging these fine young people to continue to hone their writing and story-telling skills. Chuck
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Sue always looked forward to this part of the day. After school with Eddie. It was here that she felt most alive. When Eddie took her hand in his, it caused her heart to flutter. Could someone only 14 be in love? She thought so.
On this particular sunny afternoon, Sue was not going to let thoughts of her mother’s attitudes interfere with her fun. They walked along and talked about the need for clandestine meetings. This really pissed Eddie off because he correctly assumed that Sue’s parents thought he wasn’t good enough for her. He told Sue that he didn’t like skulking around in secret. She stopped short and decided to change his mood by putting her arms around him and giving him a long kiss. As this was happening Sue’s mother drives slowly by observing all that is to be seen. They were completely unaware that they had been seen.
Arriving home Sue bolted through her front door, in hopes of reaching the stairs at the end of the hallway leading to her bedroom before being caught by her mother. She only made it to the 2nd step hearing: “Not so fast young lady!”
“I am just going to my room mom!”
“You’ll do no such thing. Into the kitchen, we need to have a little talk.”
“You act like I’ve done something wrong mom!”
“Well if you did nothing wrong, there is no problem with having a talk.”
Sue slumped into her chair at the kitchen table.
Her mother hovered over her. “Well, what happened at school today?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh, absolutely nothing happened all day?”
“That’s right, nothing happened.”
“Were you in a catatonic trance all day and spoke to no one?”
“No.”
“Then who did you talk to?”
“Just some of my friends.”
“Was one of those friends Eddie by any chance?”
“No.”
“I thought I told you to break up with him today.”
“I did.”
“You just said you didn’t talk to him! Am I the crazy one here?”
“I texted him.”
“When did the new boy who looks just like Eddie start at your school?”
“I don’t know what your talking about mom.”
“You know, the one you were kissing on the corner 15 minutes ago.”
Sue’s jaw dropped in surprise. For a moment, she was left speechless. Then she screamed: “You can’t tell me how to live my life!”
“I can and I will until your 18!”
“I am not listening to you mom!” Sue covered her ears.
“That boy isn’t good enough for you. You will see him no more!”
“I won’t listen!” Hands still over ears.
“You are grounded for 2 months young lady! Get to your room!”
Sue ran upstairs to her bedroom and had a good long cry.
“What does she know?! She doesn’t understand true love! I’m not listening to her-I will never listen to her!”
Through teary eyes she saw her gym bag partially hidden by a pile of clothing.
She whispered under her breath: “I’ll show her!”
She grabbed the empty gym bag. Slowly she opened the dresser drawer hoping it wouldn’t creak. She pulled out handfuls of clothing stuffing them into her bag, ranting angrily about her mom under her breath: “Once she finds out I am gone she will be sorry!”
Sue waited until the house was still and mom and dad were in bed.
Heading for the bedroom door, she grabbed her rain boots and coat. She tiptoed down the steps on her way to the kitchen. Opening the cupboard door a can flew past her eyes making a loud CLANK on the floor!!
A door creaked accompanied by the sound of footsteps in the upstairs hallway.Sue made a beeline for the hallway closet. The footsteps were getting closer and closer. They stopped at the bottom of the steps. Peeking through the crack in the door she saw her mom pick up the can and look around. Not knowing Sue whispered out loud: “Dang I had to make a noise!”
There was a long silence then slowly but surely,she heard steps coming toward the closet. Sweat dripped down her face. She envisioned that this would be the end of her plan. The door nob turned slowly. She knew now she would never taste freedom and braced herself for the worst. “Honey, what are you doing in the kitchen? Come back to bed.” Everything seemed to stop at once, “I’ll be right there.” replied her mom.
Finally, Sue built up the courage to stand up and walk out. She knocked over her moms purse, out rolled her old wallet: I might need some money for the road she thought. She took out 5 $20 bills and stuffed them into her bag. She hurried over to the cabinet. “What kind of food should I bring?” Her hands dart for the bag of potato chips, 2 cans of soup and 1 can of beans. She takes her favorite water bottle to the sink to fill. Before she heads for the door she grabs her dads flashlight and his new batteries. She unlocks the door trying not to make a sound and she pushes it open. Closing the door behind her she steps out into the night air.
Her mind tells her to go to the bus stop but her heart tells her to go to Eddies. She turns left then right to stand in front of his old stone house. She throws some pebbles at the window. Eddie’s head pops out. “What are you doing here? Its 3am..”
“Come to the door we can talk.”
Eddie’s head disappears back into the house and seconds later the front door opens.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“I am done listening to my parents so I am leaving.”
“WHAT?! You can’t do this to me I’ll never see you again!”
“I want you to come with me.”
“You know I can’t do that. I have responsibilities!”
“What kind of responsibilities does a 14 year old have?”
“Ignoring the question Eddie asks: “Is there any way I can talk you out of this?”
“Talk me out of it? I thought you loved me. I want you to come with me and you want to talk me out of it? Don’t you love me?”
No answer from Eddie.
” I am tired of being told how to live my life. Are you coming or not?”
“No. I can’t go. Please Sue, don’t go.”
“I am leaving now. If your coming, go pack your bags.”
“You think running away is going to solve anything? Its not!”
“Whatever! Bye Eddie!” A tear escaped from her eyes as she turned away and walked down the street.
Moments later
Ring ring! Helen, Sue’s mother, drowsily slumps out of bed to answer the phone.
“Hello this is the Baggins residence. Who is this?”
“Hi it’s Eddie.”
“It’s 3:30 in the morning. What do you want?”
“I know this sounds crazy but…”
“Hold on.” Helen covers the receiver.
“Tyler come here. It’s Eddie and I don’t want to talk to him. So come deal with this.”
“Ugh neither do I.”
“Well one of us has too.”
“Rock, paper, scissors?”
“No, get over here and talk to him now!”
“Fine.”
Tyler takes the phone from Helen.
“Hello Eddie this is Mr. Baggins.”
“Hi. Look this might sound crazy but… A few minutes ago, Sue came to my house asking me to run away with her and I said no. Then she ran off.”
There was a long silence while Tyler told Helen. Then they both started laughing. Helen grabbed the phone.
“Eddie thank you but we are not in the mood for your pranks.”
“I’m not making this up, go check her bedro-“
Click. Helen hung up. She turned to Tyler: “No way Sue would ever do something like that.”
“ If that boy were telling the truth it would be the first time”
Without thinking both parents looked at each other and ran up the steps. They stopped at her door.
“Honey I bet she is sleeping right now” said Tyler. His hand reached for the door handle.
“Just open it slowly so you don’t wake her.”
With shaking hands Tyler slowly turned the doorknob. To his relief he saw a figure in the bed.
“I don’t see her blanket moving from her breathing” said Helen
“Whatever you say. I’ll check on her.”
Slowly Tyler turned the bed sheets. His fingers tensed, he did not know why. To his surprise, instead of his daughter there were pillows. He grabbed Helen who shrieked. After crying for what seemed like forever Tyler picked up the phone and dialed Eddie’s number. It rang. Eddie picked up at once.
With a cracking voice Tyler exclaimed: “Come to our house. I need to fine my little girl! And you’ve got to help us!” Tyler hung up.
“Honey get your purse and keys. We are going to find her!”
Just as they walked out the door Eddie arrived. Tyler pushed him into the car asking “do your parents know you’re gone?”
“Yes”
“Good”
********
Sue looks at the bus sign. She wonders if this was the right decision. She thinks about her love for Eddie and her parents. Then feeling betrayed she thinks about how mean her mom was and how Eddie wouldn’t go with her. She filled up with sorrow.
She looked up and saw her parents and Eddie approaching the bus stop. They were looking around and shouting something she could not hear. Before taking time to think she ran like she never ran before.
The wind in her hair, her bag flapping against her back, she came upon an old dirt road. There were no cars in sight. She walked along consistently turning around to see if something was behind her. She felt like she was being watched. She heard branches cracking and leaves rustling. She whirled around to locate the sound. Her eyes couldn’t pierce then darkness. Her walk turned into a jog. Her bag was too heavy to run.
She came to a small intersection in the road and hoped to see a car. She got out her matches, picked up a stick, and made a torch. She hoped a car would see it.
Suddenly light flashed through the darkness. She could see headlights. The lights got closer and closer and she started to yell. The vehicle kept going. She hung her head thinking she would never make it to New York. Then she heard “Beep Beep Beep!” the vehicle backed up towards her. She sighed with relief.
The truck door opened. A man with brown hair and bread smiled at her.
“You know that’s the hitch-hike symbol?” he said
“Yeah.”
“Get in, where do you want to go?”
“New York.”
“New York is just fine it’s only 20 miles away.”
Sue cautiously stepped into the truck and sat on the leather passenger seat.
“What brings you out here?” he asked as he put on his seat-belt
“I’m having an issue with my parents and decided to go my own way.”
“That’s what I did 15 years ago. I’ve been living in these parts ever since.”
“Where did you come from?”
“I came from Kentucky, home of the fried chicken.”
“Why did you leave?”
“I stole from my company.”
Sue didn’t know how to respond to that.
After a long silence the driver said: “Let’s turn on some music.”
As the music played, Sue’s thoughts returned to Eddie and her family. She still loved them both even though she was angry. She was lost in thought when the trucker opened the door.
“Here you be.”
She looks out the window at cars and people bustling and homeless living on the streets looking cold and sick and asking for money and food. Some even drinking or doing drugs. It was the middle of a ghetto and it scared Sue. She didn’t want this.
“Can you take me home?”
“Why sure. I knew that when you saw all these poor people wishing they had a life like yours you would want to go back. Hop in lets go.”
They drove through New York. Sue saw everything. People walking right by the homeless and not doing anything, not even for the kids on the streets. She was glad for the life she had and wanted, very badly, to go home.
The finally made it to the highway. Cars were busy trying to get home from night shifts or people heading to their early morning jobs. They stopped at an intersection, the light was red. When the light turned green they started to move. Not even half way across a tractor -trailer came at them from the left. Its brakes screeched trying to stop but it did no good. It burrowed through them. No mercy. They flipped, tumbling down the road. Then came to a halt at the small fence at the edge of the road. A loud boom from the impact.The truck turning over. Everything seemed to stop. . Sue lay in the darkness of the upended truck unable to move. The driver lay motionless.
She thought of Eddie. It was the last thought she ever had.
littledorito comments:
This story captures the essence of true love with a tragic ending. I wish i could buy this story in stores.
Ron Stouffer comments:
“tracker trailer” is just one of several things in this article that require an editor to correct. I usually write without an editor and I always regret it. The best thoughts and ideas lose all their impact when an editor does not “clean up” an author’s manuscript. Just a suggestion. Spelling mistakes, and other thoughtless errors detract from what would otherwise be excellent writing. Chuck Brown is still one of the best storytellers I have ever read on the pages of CS2 and I believe he has been edited quite vigorously. Now his students need to take seriously the need for an editor to check out what they write.
CommonSense2 Editor comments:
In the short preface to this story I asked for people to give encouragement to the kids on their first writing collaboration. Instead, Ron thought this an excellent opportunity to take a shot at the editor. That, of course, is his right. And somehow, I must say, I am not surprised.
To the kids who wrote the story I say: Your story is an excellent first attempt at creative writing. It will remain an excellent first attempt regardless of the shortcomings of your editor.
Keep writing over the summer kids.
Chuck Brown
Ron Stouffer comments:
Not meant as a shot at you, the CS2 editor, but at the lack of editing in general. An editor can be the writer’s parent, teacher, friend. My criticism was meant to be constructive. It is a lesson these fine young writers should learn now, not later. Sorry if my comment came across as anything other than constructive.
Pat Brown comments:
Very nice job ladies! I hope you both enjoyed the experience of writing collaboratively and continue to stretch your creative “muscles” as you grow as writers. I encourage you to continue to write——both fiction and non-fiction, continue to study the rules of spelling, usage & grammar, and read, read, then read some more. And keep having fun with it!
Hope I get to see more of your published efforts in CS2 and elsewhere.