Ask A Cat for National Cat Day

Cats have their lives together. You leave a dog alone for two hours and he surrenders to a Lord of the Flies-type post-apocalyptic nightmare in which the only currency left with any value is his own urine, and he is charitable with his wealth. You can completely forget you own a cat and go to Vegas for two weeks, and when you come back the only change from when you left will be a pile of tiny rodent bones on your pillow. Cats know how to take care of themselves; they have their priorities in order. In celebration of National Cat Day, October 29, we turn to these wise, apathetic creatures for advice on some of our more pressing human problems.

Dear Cat,

I’ve been happily married for ten years. I love my husband very much, but sometimes our sex life feels a bit…stale. I’ve tried spicing things up with naughty lingerie or role-playing, but sex still feels like a chore sometimes. What do you recommend to jump-start our lovemaking?

Sincerely,

Sexless in Seattle

Dear Sexless,

Dear Cat,

I just graduated from college and the job market is really tough! Should I take a job in the food service industry just to make some money, or should I move back in with parents and find an unpaid internship in my field?

Yours truly,

Stressing in San Francisco

Dear Stressing,

credit: Imgur

Dear Cat,

It’s finally fall! Sweater weather, pumpkin spice, that wonderful crisp feeling in the air. What’s an easy dinner recipe to really put my family in the autumn spirit?

With smiles,

Passionate about Pumpkins

Dear Passionate,

Dear Cat,

My mother-in-law drives me crazy! She’s constantly making little passive-aggressive comments about my wife’s career (she’s an artist). I try to stick up for my wife, but I don’t want to overstep my bounds as a husband. How can I get my MIL to back off without hurting my relationship with my wife’s side of the family?

Yours,

Aggravated in Anchorage

Dear Aggravated,

Dear Cat,

I’ve recently started dating someone and I think he might be “The One.” What’s your favorite part of being in love?

Xoxo,

Head-Over-Heels in Houston

Dear Head,

credit: Imgur

DEATH STALKS YOU! Oh, and we’re out of marmalade.

Alli Reed is still in contact with several cats, if you have any questions you’d like her to ask them. Follow her on twitter: @alliperson

Those who forget history are doomed to be the people whose kneejerk hate fuels internet comments.

Alli wrote about another weird holiday with Panic at the Picnic: World’s Greatest Holiday Combo? and took at look at some inventions that clearly should have consulted a cat first with The Steam Controller and Other Ridiculous Ideas Throughout History.