You have 48 hours to watch the following movies before they leave Netflix with no word on when they will return. Could be in a week, could be years from now. You don't know, and Netflix isn't telling. Luckily a lot of them suck super bad so this will not be painful for you, but then in other cases maybe you will find, upon reflection, that two of those hours is worth spending on something that will soon be just a memory.
OF GREATEST URGENCY
Classics
- Thelma & Louise (1991)
- Steel Magnolias (1989)
- Tetro (2009)
- Broadcast News (1987)
- Single White Female (1992)
- Prince Of Broadway (2008, Lee Daniels)
- six-part travelogue Stephen Fry in America (2008)
Thrillers
- Candyman (1992)
- Cloak & Dagger (1984)
- Red State (2011)
- Bullet Proof Monk (2003)
Homework Assignments
- Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid (1969)
- A Raisin in the Sun (2008)
- King Solomon's Mines (1985)
- Allan Quartermain & the Lost City of Gold (1987)
This Movie
- Small, Beautifully Moving Parts (2011) is about a woman who "fears she is more interested in ultrasound technology than in what's being ultra-sounded."
For Kids
- The semi-crummy live-action versions of both 101 Dalmatians (1996) and The Adventures Of Rocky & Bullwinkle (2000)
- Flicka: Country Pride (2012) in which a horse learns of America
- Bob the Builder and Thomas & Friends, with The Magic School Bus not far behind (4 Nov).
OF LESSER URGENCY BUT WORTH CONSIDERING
- Apocalypse Now/Redux (1979/2001) Two versions of the same movie but each one is ten hours longer than the other.
- Brighton Beach Memoirs (1986) If you want to know what coming of age was like for a straight guy in the 1950s you have only the next 48 hours to find out.
- The Big Chill (1983) is a fine film. Taught me a lot. Old people still like to boogie, for starters. Also how to use handjobs to get what you want. Probably the #1 lesson of that movie. Don't do yoga in front of people, coke is for dickheads, and you better get that handy game on lock.
- St. Elmo's Fire (1985) is the same movie as The Big Chill only the assholes here are now the age of the assholes there. They are WAY worse, though. Except for Demi Moore.
- Starman (1984) is pretty good if you are into like, a Pisces man.
- Footloose (1984) I have never seen this movie but I'm not one for a Kevin Bacon picture so it's probably best. I grew up in theocracies I don't need to dance about it.
- For a Few Dollars More (1965) A real live "spaghetti" western by Sergio Leone with Clint Eastwood and Lee Van Cleef. It's about these two bounty hunters enjoying their spaghetti just fine but then the guy is like, but you could get more spaghetti with more dollars, and that's how communism was vanquished in the Americas.
- Under the Tuscan Sun (2003) A prequel to Eat, Pray, Love where she forgets to pray and has to start the whole thing over again ten years later.
- Say Anything (1989) Ione Skye's Diane Court lowers herself to date Lloyd Dobler, a simpering fool, and watches her life slowly implode on itself until she is left only with a boombox and the memory of greatness.
- Trees Lounge (1996) Steve Buscemi wrote, directed, starred and everything else'd this movie about a man who can't stop drinking long enough to stop drinking. If you like Steve Buscemi a whole lot, like a your-dad-in-the-90s amount, my guess is you will like this movie.
- Up at the Villa (2000) Kristen Scott Thomas dicks with Americans in pre-WWII Florence, but it's okay because the American is Sean Penn and fuck that guy.
- The Prince of Tides (1991) It takes a genius of a therapist to be like, "Maybe your emotional issues are from that one time a literal boogyman broke into your house and raped your whole family when you were a kid" but only Barbra Streisand could pull off then dating said patient.
OF LEAST URGENCY
- The Dogs of War (1980) Christopher Walken does the most amazing thing you have ever seen on film. Tom Berenger, JoBeth Williams, and Ed O'Neill are also involved in this situation.
- Silent Running (1971) A guy is making ice in the forest? His family is like What is with this ice. That's all I remember. It is so boring. Maybe it's in space, actually, and it's not ice but plants? Maybe River Phoenix finds out he's Russian? Maybe those are all different movies, or maybe every movie is just one Pixar movie. Based on the song by Genesis, or a band that sounds exactly like Genesis, but either way I know for a fact the song is about foliage, plus danger, so there you go. Deduced.
- American Psycho (2000) Not a great adaptation, stripping the story down to plot and creating its own sub/surtext, but a pretty good movie in its own right. Plus it inspired a fun music video.
- Hannibal (2001) This piece of shit, don't watch it. Don't even think about it.
- Les Misérables (1998) A very awesome little boy must deal with everybody's fucking drama and eventually dies. This is the version that lacks Russell Crowe being amazing, but on the other hand it doesn't force you to look at Eddie Redmayne's awful face for even one second, so it's a draw. (It does, however, include the Thénardiers. There will never be a production that leaves them out, which is the really miserable part.)
- The Ninth Gate (1999) speaking of Helena Bonham-Carter, she is Johnny Depp and one or both of them are in this movie, which is not totally boring but only mostly. Sequel to The Eighth Gate.
- Serenity (2005) Look either you've seen this a billion times or you will never see it, but either way I don't feel like we need to discuss it. You know what I mean?
- He Said, She Said (1991) A couple falling out of love must travel the distance between Mars and Venus to find each other again. Or some shit, I don't know. One Elizabeth Perkins does not outweigh the negative vibes of Kevin Bacon + '90s Nathan Lane + fucking Sharon Stone.
- The Battle Of Shaker Heights (2003) – On the one hand it brought Shia LaBoeuf out of Disney kiddo TV and into the world of cinema film, so that was cool. On the other hand, one of the producers seems like a real dick. This movie could be really good, nobody knows for sure.
- Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (2005) – Kids with diseases and giant swords that are guns and also hairdos.
- La Bamba (1987) Errant seamen find they need a little bit of grace in order to learn a special dance.
[Image via Tri-Star/Sony]
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