These Knees Weren’t Made for Climbing
I’m back from my Big Bend excursion, so all you naysayers who thought that I couldn’t make it for four days without Starbucks or wine bars, who expected me to die on the mountain clutching my diminishing supply of dried cranberries and empty bottle of Pellegrino, BURN ON YOU.
However, I’m sure you’d be happy to know that my legs have completely given out, and I pitifully hobbled into the office this morning looking like an ad for Preparation H, until I gave up completely and tearfully army-crawled my way down the hall.
But I did make it to the top of the South Rim (sadly, no rope tow involved) along with all the happy campers I was traveling with. In hindsight, it probably would have been a much easier trek if I had left my laptop and battery charger at home. And my lucky brick.
(Plus, I probably would have made it up faster if I hadn’t been stuck behind Andy Brown, who stopped every time we passed a hiker to hand out Andy Brown buttons.)
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not exactly what you’d call a true camper (although I think I beat Mr. PL, who forgot to pack virtually everything except 20 cans of beans, and had to wear one of my t-shirts, which fit him perfectly if by ‘perfectly,’ you mean ‘male midriff top’). Aside from the fact that I left my camel pack open in my tent and had to sleep in a soaking wet sleeping bag, it’s hard to get any shuteye when you’re camping with people deathly afraid of bears:
Rustle, rustle.
Andy Brown, turning on flashlight: “Lawrence, is that you walking around?”
Lawrence Collins, turning on flashlight: “Andy, is that you?”
Five minutes later.
Rustle, rustle.
Andy, in shaky voice: “Lawrence, are you out there?”
Lawrence, in shaky voice: “Andy, is that you?”
(Repeat every 15 minutes until sunrise.)
That said, I highly recommend the hike, despite the fact that I’m currently wheeling myself around the office in my chair.
Before heading out to Big Bend, we spent the first couple of nights in charming Marfa, where I met… West Texas Hillbilly. Crazy world. He introduced himself at a coffee shop, and Mr. PL asked how he knew it was me, once again revealing the fact that he never reads my blog or he would know that I post photos of myself every other day.
When I met up with friends later, I said, “You’ll never believe who I just met. West Texas Hillbilly!” And they thought I was a dreadful snob for being excited about meeting a genuine west Texas hillbilly. He was kind enough to loan us city folk some camping gear that we had forgotten — tents, hiking boots, breathable socks, food, water, long underwear, etc.
The night before, we ate at Blue Javelina, where we ran into celebrated criminal defense attorney Dick DeGuerin. You’ll never guess who wanted his picture taken with him…
(Dick, you can now kiss your career goodbye.)
Mr. PL, not knowing who DeGuerin was but wanting to break the ice, shook his hand and told him how much he admired his work.
REALLY?! Which case did you admire most — the one where he defended that psycho cross-dressing millionaire real estate heir who chopped up his neighbor into itty-bitty pieces?!
While in Marfa, I visited the famed Chinati art gallery, where I realized that I have absolutely no art appreciation after ridiculing the Dan Flavin project, which consists of several separate buildings of florescent colored bulbs. The only difference being the particular color of the bulbs.
When I came out of the third or so building, I told the rest of the tour group that they’d NEVER GUESS what was in there. MORE FLORESCENT LIGHTING. Naturally, they looked at me with contempt for my small-mindedness and lack of culture.
We spent our last night in Marathon at the Gage, which was wonderful except for the unfortunate shared bathrooms. Hey — if I wanted to share a bathroom with complete strangers, I’d stay in a COLLEGE DORM. The restaurant at the Gage, however, is spectacular. I even took footage of it for Texas Monthly, where I pretended to be some kind of broadcast journalist speaking into the camera instead of the blogger poseur that I am.
And with that, I’ll get back to icing my knees, which now almost look regular-sized due to the painful swelling. I trust you all had nice holiday weekends. (This is a statement I like to use because it sounds polite while making it clear to the person I am addressing that I really don’t want to hear about their vacation.)
July 7th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Just realized Dick kinda looks like Warren Chisum.
July 7th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Wow, you hiked the South Rim. Good on you, that’s a tough hike. Looks like you had rain also. The desert smells wonderful after a rain.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Wow. Some great shots there. I’d love to see more. So that I can get that full-on teary-eyed homesick thing going in my cube this afternoon and all.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Re: 3. lush
You should’ve BEEN there! WTH asked for you.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Wow. Great shots, especially the range from the South Rim and the one of highway. Did you take those?
I love the one of you with your head on your knees, with what looks like a wine glass fashioned from a the top of a water bottle. Priceless.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Glad you had a great trip. I’m jealous a little bit, too. South Rim is no picnic, but so very worth the effort.
No matter how well you think you know Texas, you don’t fully appreciate it until you experience Big Bend.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I would have tagged along but we celebrate El Grito out here instead of the 4th of July.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
DON’T WALK TOWARD THE LIGHT!!!
Great Pix. You got back just in time. WTH is tired of my tomfoolery on the pre trip entry.
Now I can make amends/annoyances on here.
BTW great shot in the red: you could be in magazines!!!!
/see the marfa ‘lights”? Cars on the highway……tourista tap, i mean trap.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I had the same reaction to the Flavin exhibit. Snore.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Re: 7. West Texas Hillbilly
Plus we stole all your gear. It’s somewhere in Marathon.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Re: 10. Pink Lady
That wasn’t my gear. I stole it out of a Volvo belonging to some Austin hipsters two weeks ago.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
NEVER lock your keys in the trunk while camping in Big Bend.
Trust me.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Re: 11. West Texas Hillbilly
re: camping stuff……
sounds like Willie’s lost ball rule… no penalty, because sooner or later someonre will find it.
/ the 6 degrees of camping??
July 7th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Always love the view of Santa Elena Canyon and Sierra del Carmen from Sotol Vista point.
Can’t wait ’til we get that wall build out there and open the park up for oil and gas drill’n!!
July 7th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I just saw a number of the other pictures from this trip. I’m quitting my job and moving back.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Re: 15. lush
Over my dead body.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Re: 16. Don’t Mess w/ Pink
says the woman who lives in HOUSTON
/you can come visit
//bring the girls
///and the lushes, too
July 7th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Re: 5. Don’t Mess w/ Hussein Pink
That’s not just what it looks like. That’s what it IS. Definitely one of my low points. And I think I cut my lip on the jagged plastic edge while sucking rosé (!) out of it.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Re: 15. lush
Me: (wistful sigh).
July 7th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Re: 17. lush
Don’t you be knocking Houtown. If ya gotta live east of the Pecos, you might as well live among real Texans, and YOU most definitely belong west of the Pecos.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Re: 17. lush
Two and one-half hours is a lot different than ELEVEN (or whatever-the-heck-it is).
/Have I mentioned the Astros suck? Pittsburgh? Really?
//Lefty, mention Lidge and I’ll have to punch you.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Re: 15. lush
At least you’ve got a place to go to. Earning a living in the Bend is nigh impossible.
Re: 20. WTH
Ok, I’ll knock Houston. Weather, insects, Ship Channel, mass quantities of humans in cars. There you go. Its the opposite of WTX in more ways than one. Ok, redeemed somewhat by DMWP…just a little.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Re: 22. treehugger
Don’t get me wrong — I love Texas from Red to Grande and Sabine to ASARCO; that whole 35 E north of Carl’s Corner thing notwithstanding — but I just spend the 4th in Midland, and if you wanna get ugly about Houston, there’s plenty going on in the greater West Texas dirtplex that made me glad to be home.
/Is it too much to ask that the tap water not make you sick when you brush your teeth? At least in Mexico I couldn’t taste that I was getting poisoned.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Hey, who let you people into Marathon? If I see so much as one single Andy Brown yard sign on my property next time I get back, there’s gonna be hell to pay.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Did dmwp just say the Astros SUCK?! Holy sh*it.
Awesome picture of you w the wine glass. And the highway. Makes me wish I were driving.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Re: 21. Don’t Mess w/ Pink & lush (& lurkette, who is probably still sleeping)
Maybe we can all go in on a west Texas summer vacation home. That we can also visit in the spring, fall and winter.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Re: 24. Lurkette
you’re up?
July 8th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Re: 22. treehugger
Houston, the climate is like New Orleans, but the ambience is all Odessa.
DMWP, please don’t hate me.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Re: 27. KO
She can’t. She wants to live in Austin more than I want to live in West Texas.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Re: 22. treehugger and 27.KO
You just have to stay inside the Loop. That part is a lot like Austin. And the steam keeps you young.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Re: 21. Don’t Mess w/ Pink
You mean 2 time all star Brad Lidge who just signed a three year extension with the Phillies?
/ducks
July 8th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Re: 23. Fled Hussein Asylum
Condolences. Growing up in WTX, Midland always represented the nearest airport to leave it from. Of course you realize that a great deal of that local problem comes from……..Houston, especially since all the major oil companies shut down in WTX, exception Occidental. Just think of it as a very small town that happens to have about 100,000 folks, a bunch of 3rd generation oil wealthy families, and one very famous ex-resident librarian who married well. The bars and Superfund sites are more interesting in Slowdeatha, of course.
ASARCO as a geographic indicator? Well played. Wouldn’t that be DuPont Sabine?
Re: 30 DMWP
Austin has a Shell refinery? I bet you can hardly wait until semi-annual open your windows day. Houston does have an awesome Natural History Museum, though…there are some grains amongst the chaff.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Re: 22. treehugger
Ok, you can beat us up over the bugs, weather, and overcrowding. But lay off the Channel. That’s where I draw the line.
/Going to Camp Wood tomorrow!!! No steam there. I hope the recent rains mean the river’s up.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Re: 32. treehugger
Shell is outside the Loop. Just outside the Beltway.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Re: 22. treehugger
dern, be a land baron.
// Astros haven’t hit their stride. I watched it all, including 2 HR’s that were 1.2 mph from being Roy Hobbs’ed……after watching the dvd of the Atlanta marathon loss……..
July 8th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Re: 33. txstater
Does the channel still catch on fire?
July 8th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Re: 36. doubleshalomwhiskeyhusseindent
Who cares, as long as it puts food on the table? I’m far enough away to where it wouldn’t burn me.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Re: 36. doubleshalomwhiskeyhusseindent
one little fire, and you’re reputation is shot……
Hey, Deep Purple made a career out of a little firewater……
July 8th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Re: 34. txstater
Yep, Deer Park, though Lyondell is in the Houston city limits. All those emissions stop at the loop as if by magic. No argument here that there are good jobs there, its just, well, Houston. Yuk. Shall we move along to Dallas being sucky also.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Re: 39. treehugger
I’ll second.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Snobs.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Re: 39. treehugger
“…as if by magic.”
That’s not what I meant. You implied Shell was inside the Loop. It isn’t. I’m well aware that the air in the Inner Loop isn’t exactly pristine.
Besides, the emissions are just steam, and blow West to East, anyway. No magic; just physics.
Now, about Dallas: That place sucks.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Re: 42. txstater
Dallas 4 way stope sign……
car 1 : my chrome is shinier than tiyr chrome
car 2 no, MY CHROME IS SHINIER THAN ……
ETC……
secede, build a wall around Dallas and give it to the US………
Houston may have a lot of faults, but it has soul.
/sw Houston has Seoul……
July 8th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
It’s beautiful country.
I marveled in it’s starkness everyday that I was there.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Re: 30. Don’t Mess w/ Pink
Houston Heights. Mi vecinidad y mi gente.
And the Astros are boring and a pain to watch. That’s from a season ticket holder and lifelong fan.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Re: 42. txstater
I corrected to say it was in Deer Park, which by any stretch of Pasadena is not Houston. BUT, prevailing winds in Houston are SE, and easterly beats westerly by a 2:1 margin, which makes Houston pretty much downwind most of the time (look it up: google “wind rose, houston”) Condolences. Steam is indeed a majority component but its the ppms that get ‘ya. Trust me on this, in a former lifetime I had personnal professional experience measuring it. Its the primary reason I won’t live there….too many bad work memories…but, hey, the Woodlands is nice.
Houston does at least have occasional good pitching.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Re: 46. treehugger
The Big Puma!
July 8th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Re: 47. doubleshalomwhiskeyhusseindent
Maybe THAT was the rustling Lawrence and Andy heard ’round the campsite.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Re: 46. treehugger
Eh, I live near Lake Jackson, so I only breathe Houston air about 25% of my life. At least my family’s safe. Dow’s big, but it ain’t no HSC.
If I could get a good job in Austin, I’d be there in a heartbeat.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Re: 49. txstater
Dow, at least, isn’t a refinery, and their contributions to the salt water fisheries center (no admission fees!) are laudable. I had a good job (defined by income) in Dallas but I’m a lot happier in Austin.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:57 am
OK, two more things on this Austincentric snobbery on Houston and Odessa. First, without the PUF money from oil work by the people living in those cities, your UT English degree would be from ACC. Second, gig’em Aggies!
July 9th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Re: 51. West Texas Hillbilly
Hey, I’m highly appreciative of the state lands oil production that kept my college tuition at $4 a semester hour and the companies/workers that made it possible. You get to live/work in the Trans-Pecos so consider yourself fortunate, in spite of the Aggie thing.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Who’s the hottie in the cowboy hat who looks like he’s smoking a joint?