Hey Judas
When I was a young girl attending Catholic school at St. John’s Parish in McLean, we were forced by nuns to attend mass every Friday so we could atone for such childlike sins as believing in Santa Claus. Then we also had to go to mass on Sunday because Sunday is a religious day of holy obligation. If you don’t go to Sunday mass you will burn in the hellfires for 1,000 years while your smug friends in heaven look down on you, laughing and eating cream cheese. One of the priests at St. John’s was a monsignor who scared the jesus out of me, mostly because of the hat.
Sometimes, families would LEAVE CHURCH right after receiving communion instead of staying for the entire service, usually because they wanted to be first in line for the Krispy Kremes. When this happened, the monsignor would bellow out in a booming voice, “JUDAS WAS THE FIRST TO LEAVE.” And he would point at the family so the rest of the congregation would know who to stone. Judas was the bad apostle who betrayed Jesus. In other words, if you tried to sneak out of mass early, you were as bad as the baddest bad man of them all. Before Tom DeLay, that is.
But was Judas really so bad? Or was he just… misunderstood? The first modern translation of the Gospel of Judas (say what?) was released by the National Geographic Society, which is apparently taking a break from working on the magazine that only TJ Shroat reads. According to the ancient text, Judas was a “devoted follower who was simply doing Jesus’s bidding when he betrayed him.” Jack Abramoff claimed the same thing.
The Gospel of Judas? Am I missing something? That wasn’t in the catechism. There was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John but no Judas. Well, it was just an oversight. Back in AD 180, a bishop denounced the Gospel of Judas as heresy. And it’s taken us THIS LONG to take a look at it ourselves. What’s next, the Gospel According to Mary Magdalene? In the Gospel of Judas, Jesus asks Judas to “help him return to the kingdom” and “sacrifice the man that clothes me,” although Jesus acknowledges that Judas will “be cursed by the other generations.” So Peter like totally got off easy.
The manuscript, a 2nd-century original, was discovered by looters in Egypt in the 1970s. It was then handed off to Indiana Jones, who buried it in the Ark of the Covenant until it was found just recently by the entire cast of ‘Lost.’
April 7th, 2006 at 7:59 am
Harvey Keitel = Best…Judas…ever.
April 7th, 2006 at 7:59 am
there is cream cheese in heaven?!?!
that information would have been useful a looooong time ago. this changes *everything*
April 7th, 2006 at 8:25 am
there really is a gospel according to mary magdelene. i’m not lying. of course, like all the other gospels, it was written 300 years after jesus’ death and not by mary magdelene. but there really is one. i think the gnostics wrote gospels according to everyone.
April 7th, 2006 at 8:55 am
From Wikipedia:
The Gospel of Mary Magdalene was found in the Akhmim Codex, a gnostic text of the New Testament apocrypha acquired by Dr. Rheinhardt in Cairo in 1896. However, it was not published until 1955, after the Nag Hammadi library had also appeared. The other texts of the Akhmim Codex were in the Nag Hammadi texts, but not this Gospel. In this only known copy of the text, pages 1–6 and 11–14 are missing. It has been suggested in popular literature that this is a Gospel of Mary Magdalene, and thus has become known by this name, although her last name is not mentioned in the text, and it could be any one of the other six Marys from the New Testament.
April 7th, 2006 at 8:55 am
“there is cream cheese in heaven?!?!”
Yeah, but no bagels.
April 7th, 2006 at 9:11 am
In one of those many “Deciphering the Da Vinci Code” specials on the National Geographic Channel (TJ reads the magazine, but I Tivo their shows) many scholars do indeed think it is the Gospel of Mary Magdalene that was found in Egypt. It speaks of a disciple named Mary (Magdalene isn’t a last name, but a town and where she was believed to be from) who was one of Jesus’ top Apostles. There is also a fascinating portion of the text that reads “And Jesus kissed her often on the …”
Scholars have to guess at what the word is because there is literally a hole where that word should be in the parchment.
And JCBT, haven’t you seen any of those Philadelphia Cream Cheese commercials? There are plenty of bagels and cream cheese, but only the supermodels with fake wings are the ones that get the good stuff. Just like on earth.
April 7th, 2006 at 9:12 am
The Gospel of Judas is where you’ll find the real story of Rufus, the 13th apostle.
April 7th, 2006 at 9:22 am
Heaven is like eating the last supper for free at Eddie V’s every single night. I hear Jesus does some really great wine.
April 7th, 2006 at 9:23 am
Did Mary scream out ‘O God!’ during the Immacualate Conception?
April 7th, 2006 at 9:48 am
Oh my god, have you been struck by lightning yet? Or have you been attacked by a swarm of locusts…
April 7th, 2006 at 10:26 am
So… I’m curious. Do people that are insanely religious and do whatever the good book tells them (think Delay, sans the whole stealing and lying stuff) instantly accept this or do they continue with the fantasy of Judas (and other bible stories) that they’ve been preaching for years as the god-spoken truth? Does god-spoken truth allow for periodic updates?
April 7th, 2006 at 10:35 am
Anyone who has reviewed the tab from The Last Brunch knows there were some uncredited disciples (although Biblical scholars pretty much agree that Rufus of Babel was not an true apostle but more like a youth league coach to the Son of God.)
April 7th, 2006 at 10:50 am
“there really is a gospel according to mary magdelene. i’m not lying. of course, like all the other gospels, it was written 300 years after jesus’ death and not by mary magdelene. but there really is one. i think the gnostics wrote gospels according to everyone.”
Sorry, but that is nonsense. The four canonical gospels were written far earlier than 300 years after the death of jesus.
April 7th, 2006 at 10:56 am
For fundamentalists who believe in the literal truth of the bible, there are no periodic updates. From my outsider’s perspective, it seems the idea of an evolving truth is what separates a liberal religion from conservative. There aren’t very many liberal religions (Zen, U.U., “don’t ask don’t tell” Episcopalians, et. al.).
Assuming fundie reaction to the GoJ is similar to the discovery of the other apocrypha, they will say this is nothing more than ravings of a heretical sect, the Essenes or the Gnostics. Aside from the twenty-seven books in the canon, no other books were God inspired. Besides, this book of Judas isn’t even written in English. Sheesh!
April 7th, 2006 at 11:21 am
Canonical Gospels
Mark 65-75 AD
Matthew 85-90 AD
Luke 80-85 AD
John 85-110
April 7th, 2006 at 11:21 am
DCat is correct. As Governor Ferguson noted, “If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s good enough for the school children of Texas.”
April 7th, 2006 at 11:32 am
“If the King’s English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me!”
Governor “Ma” Ferguson, in 1925. She was arguing against legislation requiring Texas students to study a foreign language.
April 7th, 2006 at 11:34 am
Where’d you get your quote NOITALL? I posted mine before I read yours. Now I’m sore afraid I’ve created a heresy
April 7th, 2006 at 11:51 am
Journalists in the 1920s didn’t have micro-cassette tape recorders, plus they were usually pretty drunk. So both quotes are probably fairly accurate.
April 7th, 2006 at 11:53 am
I find it hard to believe that Diamond J spoke English. Is it possible “Ma” was a moron and was referring to the bible that has been translated into Enlish? Similar to saying, “if the ancient Chinese warlords spoke English that’s good enough for me!”, after reading a textbook that translated what they say. Perhaps politicians have always been this stupid since the dawn of time.
April 7th, 2006 at 11:57 am
RE: # 20: DMwP, my spokesbot, will explain it for you.
As talented as she is, however, she cannot understand it for you.
April 7th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
Since you are apparently insulting my intelligence, feel free to try and explain it to me yourself.
April 7th, 2006 at 12:16 pm
If I am insulting anyone, it is me my ownself.
See, I don’t do serious. And on the rare occasions when I do, I preface it with something like, “Okay, I’m being serious here.”
Otherwise, it’s an exhibition, not a competition. Please, no wagering.
April 7th, 2006 at 2:25 pm
Go to Wikipedia’s entry on the Council of Nicea: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Council_of_Nicaea. In 325 they determined essentially which versions of the gospels would be considered cannonical and which were heresy. Now, this shortly after this version of the GoJ was produced, which is a copy of an earlier text written at pretty much the same time as John and the Synoptic Gospels. Now none of these gospels were written by the actual disciples themselves, much as we’d like to think they were. Also they were probably heavily editted at that time given that we don’t really have any earlier copies than those sanctioned by the bishops. Whose to say what lovely gnostic ideas weren’t purged?
Lordy, why do folks have to take things literally? As a free-wheeling Episcopalian, a.k.a Catholic Lite (thank you very much), I feel it’s all about interpretation and that there is no fixed meaning anyway, so have fun!
April 7th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
Put me down as a “yes” vote in favor of NOITALL being an exhibitionist.
April 7th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
What?
Being a Christian means going to church, voting for conservatives and not allowing other people’s wives and girlfriends to have abortions.
Please stop using big words and trying to confuse those of us in the flock.
April 7th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
I was using your words (“Otherwise, it’s an exhibition, not a competition.”), just added a syllable. Like I said, I’m in favor of it. Show DMw/P as voting yes.
April 7th, 2006 at 3:19 pm
I was just glad to find out that there are really only two commandments (because I had already totally fu*ked up the first ten, well, except for murder in a literal sense), and that they both were about loving someone other than me. So, my challenge is to learn from but not imitate the morons who use the Bible to gain power, do spin on Hardball when they are being run out of Congress, get rich, screw people over, start wars, etc. Have a nice weekend. I am very impressed by the comments.
April 7th, 2006 at 3:20 pm
Not you!
That Lovecow chick with a bunch of facts and shit.
April 7th, 2006 at 3:31 pm
Whew!
April 7th, 2006 at 3:36 pm
NOITALL, how did you guess that I am full of crap? What gave me away?
April 7th, 2006 at 3:37 pm
“Journalists in the 1920s didn’t have micro-cassette tape recorders, plus they were usually pretty drunk… probably pretty accurate… �?
We’ve now graduated to digital mini-recorders but we are, proud to say, staying true to tradition on all other counts.
April 7th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
People just use the word “digital” to confuse me.
When Hillman, Sam, Slater, Stutz, and Anne Marie were hanging out there, “digital” was not a real word.
April 7th, 2006 at 7:09 pm
Elo-i, elo-i, lama sabach-thani?”