Why Do You Have to Be a Heartbreaker?
Your worst nightmare has just come true. Turns out, you really can die from a broken heart. As if all you desperate single gals didn’t have enough to worry about (weekends in isolation, paying for all the cat food, trying to convince relatives that, no, for the last time, you’re not a lesbian!).
According to a study in the Archives of Internal Medicine, the stress, anxiety and homicidal behavior caused by dysfunctional relationships can actually increase your risk of developing cardiovascular disease. Lucky for you lushes, the exorbitant amount of red wine you drink following yet another bad date can counter the effects.
The study followed 9,000 British civil servants over a 12-year period. Most boring study ever. Do we really need a team of professional researchers to determine that British civil servants are depressed? I’m depressed just thinking about them.
“A person’s heart condition seems to be influenced by negative intimate relationships,” researchers wrote. “We showed that the negative aspects of close relationships are associated with coronary heart disease.”
In other words, you’re better off alone. Be strong, ladies.
October 9th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
I started to make a list of events last weekend and next to demonstrates how much more fun we desperate single women are having than you tired, bored married women. But then I realized that would be cruel, and I just cannot bring myself to be cruel.
/You’re welcome. Pay it forward!
October 9th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Re: 1. Don’t Mess w/ Pink
You are obviously masking your pain with sarcasm. That’s MY job.
October 9th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
Re: 1. Don’t Mess w/ Pink
Speaking of our upcoming date with Alejandro…. A man recently confessed to me that we desperate, single lushes intimidate the hell out of him and his friends because they’re afraid they have so lil’ to offer us.
/Duh!
//Now maybe if the man were actually Alejandro….
October 9th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Re: 3. lush
So I have heard and surmised from my own experience. And that is so unfortunate because most of the successful women I know are fun, generous with their hearts, relatively down to earth — OK, sometimes we’re a little out there — and understanding. IF, and this is the kicker, IF they are also funny. Look around. guys. Does she have a sense of humor? Yes? No guarantees or anything, but nine times out of ten, you’re golden. No? Run like hell!
Fortunately, some figure it out. Ask the Captain.
October 9th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Re: 3. lush
I fucking hate those guys. Stay away, pussies.
/they’re intimidated? can’t imagine why.
October 9th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
Re: 5. Lurkette
The exception that proves the rule.
/You crack me up!
October 9th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Re: 2. Pink Lady
Actually, I mask my pain with wodka. Works great!
October 9th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
Re: 5. Lurkette
calling them “pussies” is too generous. Pussies are strong. Can any other organ push out a baby?
October 10th, 2007 at 9:50 am
This is not a scratch pad.
October 10th, 2007 at 11:42 am
Being single is a CHOICE, PL.
Just like homosexuality.
October 10th, 2007 at 11:43 am
Re: 3. lush
OMG! We’re totally going to see Alejandro in, like, 3 days!
/He’s no Brad Womack.
//Thank God.
///People still go to Starbucks?
October 10th, 2007 at 11:47 am
“the stress, anxiety and homicidal behavior caused by dysfunctional relationships …”
wait just a second. i actually read the post.
they are clearly talking about married people.
October 10th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Re: 12. double tonic
Clearly. I’m so glad none of you knew me when I was married. Zero fun.
/but at least neither of my exes made me feel like I needed to carry a gun to work
//or get bangs and kitten vests