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Water for Elephants

February 13, 2013 - 4:38 pm 7 Comments

Today’s Ash Wednesday so if you see people walking around with ashes on their foreheads it just means that they’re blessed and you’re, well, not. As I tweeted earlier, and will say again, ashes on Catholics are like I Voted stickers on Election Day—they’re meant to make you feel less than if you haven’t participated. Some may call this smug. I call it my personal mission to make complete strangers feel bad. You’re welcome.

I enjoyed Obama’s SOTU speech last night while eating a huge plate of meat as I will be observing the Lenten season by adhering to a fish-only diet. (This is called fasting. Much better than almsgiving, and much more affordable.) But I mainly wanted to see the Republican response delivered by Marco Rubio. Cuban-American. Rising star. Young. Handsome. Horribly dehydrated.

It was all that I had hoped for and more.

Who does that? This is nationally televised, not a rehearsal. You should never, ever abruptly pause while speaking, awkwardly lean over, grab an off-camera bottled water, take a few sips, swallow right into the mic, and then resume. Now if he had reached for a bottle of pinot, opened it, smelled the cork, poured it, held it up to the light and gave it a delicate swirl before pouring himself a full glass, ALL WHILE CONTINUING TO SPEAK, now that would have been impressive.

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7 Responses to “Water for Elephants”

  1. West Texas Hillbilly Says:
    February 13th, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Even better if a sommelier in dinner jacket had opened the bottle and poured.

    /I put a “I Gave Blood” sticker on my forehead today. Ashes are for wusses.

  2. Alan Says:
    February 14th, 2013 at 1:33 am

    Senator Marco Rubio is brought to you by Poland Spring Bottled Water, and by generous donations from viewers like you.

    eileen Reply:
    February 14th, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Product placement. Brilliant.

  3. Sam in Kyle Says:
    February 14th, 2013 at 4:28 am

    “For my next feat, I’ll demean the President while drinking thiis bottle of water.”

  4. West Texas Hillbilly Says:
    February 14th, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    I don’t drink water often, but when I lie, I drink Poland Springs. Stay thirsty my tea partiers.

  5. EMale Says:
    February 15th, 2013 at 7:56 am

    I would have been thrilled if he had continued talking whilst drinking the water…old vaudeville trick.

  6. Credentials Says:
    February 18th, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Badass headline. Bad. Ass.