Liz and Mary, Quite Contrary
I don’t mean to alarm anyone but I was in the hospital over the weekend with severe abdominal pain. They kept me overnight and were prepared to perform an emergency appendectomy in the morning. I immediately signed a DNR and asked that all of my worldly possessions be left to my pug. They assured me it would be a routine surgery to remove my appendix but I naturally assumed that they were part of the Obamacare conspiracy trying to weed out the sick among us in order to bring down costs. Turns out I didn’t need the appendectomy after all and am left with yet another completely useless organ. (Take my gall bladder. Please.)
Needless to say I missed the Sunday talk shows as I was convalescing, which meant I lay in bed with the back of my hand resting on my forehead in a dramatic fashion and waited for attention that never came. Apparently Wyoming Senate hopeful Liz Cheney was her usual charming self and used her valuable time on Fox News Sunday to slam her sister’s lesbian problem. Cheney said she opposed same-sex marriage, which is “just an area where we disagree,” referring to sister Mary. Yes, a simple disagreement between two sisters, like who should bring pecan pie for Thanksgiving or which one of them deserves civil rights.
Shocked by her evil sister’s public display of evil, Mary, who is married, took a break from Candy Crush to update her status on Facebook saying, “Liz — this isn’t just an issue on which we disagree you’re just wrong — and on the wrong side of history.” Mary’s wife Heather Poe wrote about Liz on her Facebook page saying that “in fifteen states and the District of Columbia you are my sister-in-law.” Oh, snap. My in-laws HATE it when I call them my in-laws.
Clearly this situation has made things awfully difficult for Dick Cheney, who prefers Liz because she’s straight but prefers Mary because Liz is an asshole. Later on Sunday Liz said in an email, “I love my sister and her family and have always tried to be compassionate towards them. I believe that is the Christian way to behave.” Oh, stop. If you’re such a Christian, you don’t have to tell people what a “Christian” you are. You just have to slap one of those Jesus fish stickers on your SUV.
In an interview Sunday Mary Cheney said that her sister had always been “very supportive” of her relationship with Poe and their two children but that now it’s virtually impossible for them to reconcile as long as Liz continues to be opposed to same sex marriage. According to Poe, “Liz has been a guest in our home, has spent time and shared holidays with our children, and when Mary and I got married in 2012 — she didn’t hesitate to tell us how happy she was for us. To have her say she doesn’t support our right to marry is offensive to say the least.”
This is going to be one awkward holiday and I know awkward holidays. My uncle once came downstairs during dinner wearing my aunt’s slip.
November 19th, 2013 at 10:31 pm
“My uncle once came downstairs during dinner wearing my aunt’s slip.” You know what they say…. Pictures or it didn’t happen. Glad you’re alive.
Liz Cheney almost makes me appreciate my own sibling. Until I remember that he’s just as bigoted.
eileen Reply:
November 19th, 2013 at 10:52 pm
I’m saving incriminating family photos for the documentary.
November 21st, 2013 at 12:47 pm
Hey at least y’all HAVE family to despise. In 1987 mine told me they were “going on a quick trip to the store” and that I should stay home with my invisible pet dog, Spot. That was the last I heard of them until two years ago when they sent me a family photo from Fiji… I don’t think they were just going to the store.
eileen Reply:
November 21st, 2013 at 12:53 pm
Dude. That’s rough. They’re probably hanging out with my great-grandfather from Ireland who left his wife and 9 kids one night to “go out for a pack of cigarettes.” Never seen again.
LegeBoy Reply:
November 21st, 2013 at 2:44 pm
That’s called getting Gingriched.
November 21st, 2013 at 3:21 pm
Losing your gall bladder will make a better person of you….You will now longer have as much gall or be able to express such bile which will make you a much nicer person… So keep it as long as you can.
November 21st, 2013 at 8:51 pm
My sister is a narrow minded bigot and christian fundamentalist. As the younger sibling, I just wanted her to like me, which of course gave her free rein to torment me (sadistically). I work hard at keeping the peace, if for no other reason than someday I may need a kidney or bone marrow and she is my best bet.
Family: it’s all you’ve got.
November 22nd, 2013 at 12:49 pm
I grew up as a small black child…wait…I’m from WTX and we didn’t have black people. Nevermind. I never actually had a crazy relative so I became the crazy. Crazy uncle, pagan/Druid/atheist/Democrat/drinker brother-in-law. I even comment on blogs. Embarrassing the fam since 1956, though back in the 50’s they called that behavior “cute.”
Camelot condolences to your family, Pink Lady. Even if it was, like, 25 years before you were born.
November 25th, 2013 at 5:33 pm
Thanksgiving at the Cheneys’ won’t be much better, I’m afraid. I hear Liz is planning a “gay table” – a small table off to the side of the main dining table not unlike the children’s tables some families employ. Heather and Mary and any other gays in attendance will be required to sit there, their deviant knees helplessly bumping against the freakishly low tabletop. But it’s totally respectful and compassionate. In spite of their sins, Liz is welcoming Mary and Heather into her home and giving them a Thanksgiving dinner that is completely equivalent to everyone else’s. It’s just going to be held separately to avoid sullying the traditional definition of Thanksgiving dinner (and to avoid impeding Liz’s chance to be a Senator).
eileen Reply:
November 26th, 2013 at 9:21 am
Oh, that’s good.