I probably would have forgotten to vote today, if not for the overzealous Andy Brown campaign bandits who broke into my house, blindfolded me, threw me in an unmarked van and drove me to Maplewood Elementary. I screamed to the precinct workers that I was being forced to vote against my will but they couldn’t hear me because their hearing aids had been recalled in 1989. I tried to vote in both primaries but apparently that’s “frowned upon.”

Needless to say I did end up voting for Andy Brown. I also voted for Ramey Ko based on his deluge of yard signs all over my neighborhood. I am easily swayed by placards of any kind.

If you haven’t made it to the polls yet, fear not. Voting hours in Travis County have been extended until 9PM because of the TREACHEROUS WEATHER that we endured this morning. I’m not sure how many of you braved the outdoors but it was ugly out there. It was cold. There were some puddles on the roads. The sky was kind of gray. My heated car seats took a little longer to warm up. Honestly I wasn’t sure I would even make it back from Starbucks but I was equipped with snow tires, three cases of bottled water, a flashlight, doggie bags and astronaut ice cream.

Luckily it is not nearly as bad out there anymore. You’ve got a little less than four hours. Go fulfill your civic duty or die trying.

I can’t wait to bring my baby with me to vote next Tuesday and pass her off as 18 years old to the octogenarian poll workers at Maple Elementary, who will almost certainly believe me despite the fact that most 18-year-olds don’t wear onesies with dancing elephants on them.

I don’t know if you’ve already voted or if you like to vote on the official day but hopefully you voted/will vote for Mr. “Señor” Andy Brown. No, this isn’t paid media although he has assured me that when he becomes Travis County Judge he’ll make me the court bailiff. I have already started practicing throwing people out of the courtroom, meaning throwing my pug out of the house and then feeling bad and giving him yet another baby toy.

Most of you probably know Andy Brown (he has earned a coveted spot in my tag cloud in between “Mormonism” and “single ladies”) and his many public service roles—Travis County Democratic chairman, wayward camper and photo opp-er, perennial fundraiser attendee, sometime briber—and therefore know why he should be our next county judge. While I’m not really sure what a county judge I assume it has something to do with “counties” and “judging.”

The very tight race is now very tense, with challenger Sarah Eckhardt portraying Brown as the devil, or at least one of those communist red aliens we’ve all been hearing about, in her latest campaign mailer. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy personal attacks as much as the other guy, if not more, but they could’ve at least used a better picture.

Andy’s not the devil. He’s just a boy, standing in front of a voter, asking her to love him. (Apologies to Notting Hill. Scratch that. I refuse to apologize for that wretched romantic comedy.)

So go ahead. Love Andy. Vote for him.

(Early voting through Friday. Election Day is Tuesday. Thus concludes your public service announcement.)

This morning while voting in the Democratic primary (yes, I decided against the Republican primary even though it’s much more exciting and I have been known to cross over in the past) I witnessed voter fraud first-hand. I immediately contacted Andy Brown, Travis County Democratic chairman, but then remembered he was conveniently out of the country. Furious, I dialed 911 and when they asked what my emergency was I screamed GET SOMEONE DOWN TO MAPLEWOOD ELEMENTARY STAT. I then explained that the 110-year-old poll worker had let someone into the voting booth without signing in and had me sign in on the wrong line and then she started counting spaces with her old arthritic hand and asking me if I could see whether the signatures matched up with the correct label. The operator told me that this doesn’t constitute an emergency.

Oh, I get it. The subversion of the Democratic process isn’t an emergency. I suppose I should just wait silently and watch my constitutional rights be stripped away while our country descends into complete anarchy. Since the police weren’t going to do anything about it, I started making citizen’s arrests. (Apparently you’re supposed to do this by standing in front of them and firmly saying “Stop!” while telling them them that they’re under citizen’s arrest. It sounds more effective than it is, especially when you’re wearing yoga clothes and walking a pug.)

Aside from Dewhurst v. Cruz, the only thing to really watch for tonight is whether Romney can win enough delegates here to secure the presidential nomination. I’m not entirely sure he can pull it off. Texans don’t like to be ignored. He’s not even going to be here for his victory speech. Instead he’s going to be with Donald Trump in Vegas. COME EAT A CORN DOG WITH US. WE MATTER.

Despite my all-night prayer vigils and compulsive throwing of salt over my left shoulder (not so popular in restaurants, I’ve learned), it looks like Rick Perry is planning to run for an unprecedented fourth term as governor. When I first read this on KUT, I smiled to myself and thought, why you sneaky bastard. That presidential run was just a red herring for your real intentions. To remain governor…forever.

According to insiders, of which you and I are not, Perry will run in 2014 which could mean a grand total of 18 years as governor of the Great State of Texas. To put it in perspective, that means if you had a baby in 2001, and Perry wins a fourth term, your child’s ENTIRE LIFE will have been governed by one man. Of course, he’s also suggesting that he may run for president again in 2016 and I would fully support this bid. Hillary would completely destroy him and then dance on his corpse with a bottle of Canadian whiskey.

“I think Texas has some serious Perry burnout,” said Democratic strategist Glenn Smith. “He’s like a bad TV sitcom that’s just run too long.” How dare you compare Perry to Law & Order: SVU. I’m finally getting used to the brand new cast, even Harry Connick, Jr.

This is getting ridiculous. Are there NO DEMOCRATS out there who could stop this man? Fine. I guess it’s up to me to save the party, as usual. For your consideration:

Andy Brown
Mark Strama
Harold Cook
TJ Shroat
Rafael Anchia
Matthew McConaughey
Renee Zellweger
Mark Warner
Latest porn star girlfriend of Jesse James
Don’t Mess w/ Pink (not the latest porn star girlfriend, that I’m aware of)
Entire cast of Friday Night Lights (minus that John Carter dude)

You may notice there are fewer women on this list. This is because there is a War on Women and many prestigious women in the community have been taken as hostages. I am blogging from a damp windowless cell with nothing to eat but airplane peanuts. My husband has yet to pay the ransom.

How does he do it? 51% of the vote? Well, I hope all of you who voted in the Democratic primary and chastised me for crossing over are happy now. Because you’ve basically ensured the reelection of Rick Perry as our next governor. Not that I’m trying to blame anyone. I’m just trying to make myself feel better about this:

Anyway, karma is, apparently, quite the bitch. I was leaving work yesterday when I realized I couldn’t find my car keys so I started frantically racing around the office accusing random colleagues—who, let’s be honest, I’ve never completely trusted—of stealing my keys. I finally located them by peering into my locked car and seeing them on the floor. DAMN IT. A coworker drove me home, I got in through the garage right before tripping the alarm, and found the spare Honda key hidden underneath piles of old unpaid bills.

Hoping to get back to the office before it was dark, and having no one around to drive me there, I had no choice but to walk all the way back along the I-35 feeder road. At one point I got caught in the median because I missed the walk light so, if you saw someone wearing an oversized fleece, Old Navy corduroy pants, and a winter hat who looked homeless, that was me. At the very least, you could have thrown a dollar out your window.

I got back to my parking garage and decided to drive to Central Market to pick up a few things before the election results started coming in, only to realize that I didn’t have my purse with me. DAMN IT. So I drove back home, got my purse, drove back to Central Market, when I received multiple text messages informing me that both my Facebook and Twitter accounts had been hacked. DAMN IT. Then I got a call from Andy Brown telling me that Perry had already won the primary and that he was revoking my membership in the Democratic party. Fine. You can keep that $20 I donated three years ago.

When I got home I watched other results rolling in, including the propositions on the Republican ballot that ALL PASSED by 90+% of the vote despite my best efforts. The only one that got less than 90% was the sonogram one, with 68% of the vote. So, you know, there’s that. Go ahead. Laugh it up. Mock my pain. I am officially the man without a country.

You know what I love? I love spending my day off trapped inside my house, apart from a quick trip to the Starbucks around the corner to get my obligatory Venti no-water soy chai. Yes, today is a VENTI day due to the worst allergies known to man. Like where your nasal passages are completely blocked, forcing you to breathe in and out of your mouth?

When I find the tree that did this to me, I’m going to burn it down and then kill the rest of its family.

Tomorrow is Inauguration Day and, while most of you will be celebrating this historic swearing-in of the first African-American president by sitting in your cubicles and trying to watch it via streaming video, you’re probably wondering what to do tomorrow night.

Once again, the chair of the Travis County Democrats Andy Brown has asked me to post an invite. (Although I’m fairly certain you’ve already been Faced by Andy about this event at least 46 times by now. Along with several friend requests from Paul Burka.)

If there are any Republican parties going on Tuesday, I’ll post the invite if you pass along. I am nothing if not an equal opportunity promoter of events which may or may not suck.

Andy has assured me that this Bush retirement party at Antone’s, attended by 300 of his closest friends, will not suck. Plus the Texas legislator band (seriously?) Bad Precedents will be performing. If you’re interested, RSVP for tickets at ActBlue. I’ll be the girl in the bubble attempting to drink pinot through a surgical mask so as to prevent further symptoms.

I’m back from my Big Bend excursion, so all you naysayers who thought that I couldn’t make it for four days without Starbucks or wine bars, who expected me to die on the mountain clutching my diminishing supply of dried cranberries and empty bottle of Pellegrino, BURN ON YOU.

However, I’m sure you’d be happy to know that my legs have completely given out, and I pitifully hobbled into the office this morning looking like an ad for Preparation H, until I gave up completely and tearfully army-crawled my way down the hall.

But I did make it to the top of the South Rim (sadly, no rope tow involved) along with all the happy campers I was traveling with. In hindsight, it probably would have been a much easier trek if I had left my laptop and battery charger at home. And my lucky brick.

(Plus, I probably would have made it up faster if I hadn’t been stuck behind Andy Brown, who stopped every time we passed a hiker to hand out Andy Brown buttons.)

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not exactly what you’d call a true camper (although I think I beat Mr. PL, who forgot to pack virtually everything except 20 cans of beans, and had to wear one of my t-shirts, which fit him perfectly if by ‘perfectly,’ you mean ‘male midriff top’). Aside from the fact that I left my camel pack open in my tent and had to sleep in a soaking wet sleeping bag, it’s hard to get any shuteye when you’re camping with people deathly afraid of bears:

Rustle, rustle.

Andy Brown, turning on flashlight: “Lawrence, is that you walking around?”

Lawrence Collins, turning on flashlight: “Andy, is that you?”

Five minutes later.

Rustle, rustle.

Andy, in shaky voice: “Lawrence, are you out there?”

Lawrence, in shaky voice: “Andy, is that you?”

(Repeat every 15 minutes until sunrise.)

That said, I highly recommend the hike, despite the fact that I’m currently wheeling myself around the office in my chair.

Before heading out to Big Bend, we spent the first couple of nights in charming Marfa, where I met… West Texas Hillbilly. Crazy world. He introduced himself at a coffee shop, and Mr. PL asked how he knew it was me, once again revealing the fact that he never reads my blog or he would know that I post photos of myself every other day.

When I met up with friends later, I said, “You’ll never believe who I just met. West Texas Hillbilly!” And they thought I was a dreadful snob for being excited about meeting a genuine west Texas hillbilly. He was kind enough to loan us city folk some camping gear that we had forgotten — tents, hiking boots, breathable socks, food, water, long underwear, etc.

The night before, we ate at Blue Javelina, where we ran into celebrated criminal defense attorney Dick DeGuerin. You’ll never guess who wanted his picture taken with him…

(Dick, you can now kiss your career goodbye.)

Mr. PL, not knowing who DeGuerin was but wanting to break the ice, shook his hand and told him how much he admired his work.

REALLY?! Which case did you admire most — the one where he defended that psycho cross-dressing millionaire real estate heir who chopped up his neighbor into itty-bitty pieces?!

While in Marfa, I visited the famed Chinati art gallery, where I realized that I have absolutely no art appreciation after ridiculing the Dan Flavin project, which consists of several separate buildings of florescent colored bulbs. The only difference being the particular color of the bulbs.

When I came out of the third or so building, I told the rest of the tour group that they’d NEVER GUESS what was in there. MORE FLORESCENT LIGHTING. Naturally, they looked at me with contempt for my small-mindedness and lack of culture.

We spent our last night in Marathon at the Gage, which was wonderful except for the unfortunate shared bathrooms. Hey — if I wanted to share a bathroom with complete strangers, I’d stay in a COLLEGE DORM. The restaurant at the Gage, however, is spectacular. I even took footage of it for Texas Monthly, where I pretended to be some kind of broadcast journalist speaking into the camera instead of the blogger poseur that I am.

And with that, I’ll get back to icing my knees, which now almost look regular-sized due to the painful swelling. I trust you all had nice holiday weekends. (This is a statement I like to use because it sounds polite while making it clear to the person I am addressing that I really don’t want to hear about their vacation.)

If you haven’t seen the signs, the buttons, the flyers stuck to your windshield, the billboards, the Goodyear blimp. If you haven’t heard him on a bullhorn while segwaying through downtown, then you might not know that Andy Brown is running for Travis County Democratic Chair. I was able to sit down with Andy (over email, after he threatened me with bodily harm if I did not post this interview) and ask him a few questions.

OK, let’s just get this out of the way. Why should people vote for you? Preferably in ten words or less.

I have experience raising money and running campaigns in Travis —

Too long.

— County. This job, the Travis County Democratic Chair, is kind of like being campaign manager for Travis County. I will use this experience to bring new, young, diverse voters and candidates into the party. Did I mention that Congressman Lloyd Doggett, the Honorable Wilhelmina Delco and Senator Gonzalo Barrientos are supporting me?

Who did you vote for for TCDP chair?

I waited until election day to vote because I like to get all of the direct mail sent to undecided voters. I’ll be scrolling down, voting for Andy Brown at my precinct today.

What will Travis County Democrats look like in 10 years?

This past Saturday I went to the first meeting of the Circle C Democrats where Lloyd Doggett and Rep. Valinda Bolton spoke to a packed house. This is indicative of new directions for Travis County and we need to take full advantage of the current tide. We must do a better job of reaching out to new voters in all areas of Travis County. We can’t just assume that Circle C is full of Republicans who will vote and we can’t just assume that East Austin is full of Democrats who will vote.

If we are able to do a better job of outreach in both of these places, Travis County will have much more voting power and therefore a stronger voice in state politics. Travis County Democrats will continue to be a diverse and vibrant group of people in ten years.

What will you look like in ten years?

[Texas Monthly writers] Pam Colloff and John Spong think I sort of look like Barack Obama — maybe this trend will continue.

One of your campaign promises is to update the TCDP’s website. I didn’t even know they had a website. I thought they sent everything through fax.

The website is good but we can do better. It needs to drive the reader to issues, ways to take action on those issues and give reasons to donate. Our focus needs to be on the small donor — it will make our party healthier to spread out the donor base so we don’t have to rely on a few individuals like Lawrence Collins who write huge checks to candidates.

Why start so small? Why not run against Sen. John Cornyn?

The filing fee was too high.

If you don’t win the TCDP chair, would you settle for the Republican chair?

Is that like the Aeron chair?

Predictions: Who wins Texas, Hillary or Obama?

I promised that I would stay out of contested primaries–from the Presidential candidates all the way down to the lowest positions on the ballot like County Chair.

My good friend and guest ITPT writer Andy Brown is running for Travis County Democratic Party Chairman. The last time Andy ran for office (before the whole “residency” thing caught up with him), you all were rather hostile, chiding him for his Howard Johnson-like campaign colors and his digital watch. But Andy’s learned a thing or two since his last run.

For one, he’s gotten rid of the digital watch. I was lucky enough to catch up with Andy at his campaign headquarters in Santa Fe.

Q: Do you actually live in Travis County?

A: Yes.

Q: You count Lawrence Collins as one of your many supporters. Why? Wouldn’t you consider him a liability?

A: He is a great source of campaign donations.

Q: Why would anyone in their right mind want to be the Chair of the Travis Co. Democratic Party?

A: I want to maximize the Democratic vote in this important election year, to raise more money than ever before, and to distribute campaign resources fairly across the entire community. Together we can take back the Governor’s mansion by 2010.

Q: OK, seriously. Why would anyone in their right mind want to be the Chair of the Travis Co. Democratic Party? The money? The fame? The chicks?

[Blank stare]

Q: Isn’t this just a red herring for your eventual presidential campaign?

A: No.

Q: How many times did you have to take the Bar exam?

A: Once.

Q: You’re no JFK, Jr.

A: You’re not really a reporter, are you?

Q: Did you realize that the URL to your logo on your site leads absolutely nowhere?

A: Yes. It is an existential website.

Q: Have you ever been arrested for indecent exposure?

A: No.

In the Sunday NYT Week in Review, there was an insightful Op-Chart on the netroots, bloggers and the candidates who love them.

Or at least pay them.

I would just like to take this opportunity to reiterate that Andy Brown does not compensate me in any way, shape or form (unless you count free drink tickets at the Trial Lawyers Association happy hours). However, I have started to think that perhaps I should set up a pay-per-post model.

I first mentioned Andy Brown’s campaign when he launched his website in July 2005. As you can imagine, the ITPT community rallied around his candidacy:

• Why do his campaign colors match the Howard Johnson motel?
• I’m not voting for anyone that wears a digital watch.
• Looks like a nice guy, but, um, does he have a position statement? On anything?
• He needs the digital watch for the timer so he doesn’t get charged for an extra hour.
• Hi, I’m Andy Brown, now give me some money.
• He’s been endorsed by every liberal moneybag, every has-been windbag, and every washed-up dirtbag on the left side of this Austin.

In November of that year, Andy Brown held a fundraiser and failed to invite ITPT Social Commentator Smooch.

Now I’m being snubbed by a wanna-be Westlake state rep wanting MONEY? I’m not even good enough to be SOLICITED?! I had to find out about the party while “working” in my cube when a co-worker asked if I was going. I muttered something about a “previous engagement,” namely, donning dark sunglasses and a head scarf while doing a drive-by with PL.

In March 2006, I launched my first of several write-in campaigns for Andy Brown: When I first saw the ballot, I demanded to know where Andy Brown was. What a subversion of democracy! I tried to write him in on the screen to no avail.

In April, I suggested that Andy should run for Tom DeLay’s seat; in May, I urged him to run for Speaker; in June, I tried to get him to run for Governor; and, in August, I declared that Andy should run for President. Finally, in September, after traveling in the UK, I decided that he should be elected to Parliament. On Election Day, I voted straight-ticket Andy Brown.

I even made sure that when I was out of town, Assistant Editor TJ Shroat mentioned him in every post. According to my blogculations, Andy owes me at least $18K, which I will duly report on my financial reports as a lawyer-to-blogger “cash” gift.

If you were at the Stephen F. last night (I thought I saw you there), you may have noticed that the big-screen TV was turned to one channel and one channel only: CNN. You also may have noticed a slightly tipsy blogger on her laptop, two glasses of wine (one white, one red), sitting on the remote so no one could change it.

It was my own private Situation Room.

The Democrats next door were watching News Channel 8, bless their hearts. Other bloggers around the state were focused on Texas races as they are Texas Political Blogs which actually Talk About Texas Politics. Sure, I watched the Texas Governor’s race and was surprised at Bell’s somewhat strong showing at 30 percent to Perry’s 39 percent. Strayhorn got 18 percent and Kinky got 12 percent. Hmmmmm… so that’s 30 percent between the two of them, adding that to Bell would have been 60 percent. Well, better not to dwell on it.

No, I’m not saying that all the Strayhorn and Kinky voters would have voted for Bell if they had dropped out. I’m just saying it COULD have happened and we COULD have beaten Perry and YES I’M DWELLING.

Check out the Texas winners and losers at Off the Kuff; GregsOpinion; Burnt Orange Report (ITPT without make-up and talking points); and Capitol Annex. They were paying close attention while me and the PinkDome folks were drinking and talking smack to anyone who would listen — usually each other.

I was watching one candidate closely, however. Mark Strama. He was watching me as well, and quickly called security when I jumped over an entire table of Democratic judges to get my picture taken with him. There goes his political future.

Early this morning, perpetual Democratic hopeful and erstwhile write-in candidate Andy Brown announced that he was dropping out of the gubernatorial race. At an impromptu press conference outside his mobile home (makes it easier for him to claim residence in multiple districts), Brown urged his supporters to vote for Chris Bell, ensuring that Bell may pick up at least one more vote from Andy Brown’s mom.

Live from the press conference:

First, I want to thank all of my supporters. Eileen. Sharon. Thanks for everything.

This hasn’t been an easy decision, but seeing as how Wayne Slater’s poll shows my campaign trailing, I have decided to pull out of the campaign and endorse frontrunner Chris Bell. It’s the year of unity.

As part of this endorsement, I am giving our future governor my entire campaign war chest, including the $100 I just put into it. Chris has pledged to appoint me as the Secretary of State in his new administration. This way I can make my own rulings on whether or not I meet any future one-year residency requirements.

God bless Texas.

The Perry camp responded to this latest Bell campaign ploy with disdain. “It’s obvious that Chris Bell hates the Valley,” said Luis Saenz, a fictional character. “Why else would he take $100 from ‘Mr. Corrupt Politician Way Too Liberal Lawyer for Texas Guy Comptroller Woman’?”

The ballad of the Texas Democratic convention last month was Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” A better choice? “Who’s Cryin’ Now.”

In its latest issue, the Texas Observer has a piece on the future of the Democratic party (don’t laugh).

Seemingly every speaker at the various caucuses, workshops, and floor speeches urged the audience to “take back” and “reclaim” and “fight back.” Gubernatorial nominee Chris Bell, in his keynote speech, observed that Texas Dems will soon “learn how to win again.”

Oh good god.

Most political observers view this election cycle as Democrats’ low ebb, at least in statewide races. There are more appealing Democratic contenders eyeing statewide office. They’re presumably waiting for a more forgiving political climate–perhaps as early as 2010–in which to run.

In other words, Dems aren’t going to win anything this cycle. But in another four years, maybe things will be looking up. And by ‘looking up,’ I mean, ‘looking up from the hole they’ve dug for themselves.’ Don’t get me wrong. I like Democrats. But I like winners even more.

Houston Mayor Bill White is rumored to run for Governor. At one point, Lance Armstrong generated some buzz but then he broke up with Sheryl Crow. Don’t forget about Andy Brown. And God knows Kirk Watson will run for something. Ditto for Mark Strama (you can’t be that good looking and stay in the House). Rep. Rafael Anchia will most likely run for Dallas mayor and he won’t stop there (you can’t be that good looking and stay in the House). However, both Strama and Anchia are having babies and we all know what happens to people who have babies. They start sending out Christmas letters “written” by their babies and no one will take them seriously. “Daddy says Santa Claus will bring me lots of toys! Daddy had political aspirations once but now Daddy just has baby puke in his hair!”

On the other hand, Andy Brown doesn’t have any babies. As far as he knows.

It takes two days for a bruised ego to heal.

On Friday night, I attended the Legacy Dinner honoring Bernard Rapoport, benefiting CPPP. The keynote speaker was President Bill Clinton. Somehow, I had been granted a free pass into the event (and by ‘granted,’ I mean ‘badgered event insiders to the point of harassment’). I was told that I’d be seated at the press table. Me! At the press table! Although I knew my presence there would be greeted with the usual “oh-god-don’t-make-eye-contact-she’ll-try-to-make-small-talk” looks, I didn’t care. I ironed a skirt, BRUSHED MY HAIR, and waited for Lawrence Collins and Andy Brown (paid ticketholders) to pick me up.

When we arrived at the Palmer Events Center, I went up to the table to get my ticket. They checked, looked at me (somewhat disdainfully, I might add) and asked if it could be under another name. My cheeks started burning, and I hadn’t even been drinking yet. “Um, I think I might be seated at the press table?” I said uncertainly, in a small voice usually reserved for 6-year-olds. “Oh, the PRESS table (slight snort)… follow me.” The woman walked me into the room, past the dining tables with fresh linens, floral centerpieces and bottles of wine, past the camera men in jeans and right to… the press table.

Lawrence and Andy? The fancy table with the mousse parfait. Me? The press table. No tablecloth. No fancy dinner. No wine. Instead, boxed dinners. Iced tea. I thought about running. I felt like such a fool.

Who did I think I was, waltzing in here like I’m an FOB? I didn’t even deserve to be with the press – they were on their laptops looking like, you know, reporters. I had a wrinkled up $20 that Lawrence had pushed into my urchin hand before he walked off to where the beautiful people sat. That bought me two thimble-sized glasses of white wine. I might as well have been a caterer. I think Bruce Gibson asked me to refresh his drink. I did end up eating the entire boxed dinner, including my chocolate chunk cookie that John Moritz of the Star-Telegram was shamelessly eyeing (to be fair, he only got oatmeal raisin).

Clinton spoke for about 18 minutes, eager to spend the rest of his weekend in Austin with George Soros and Gueros. After the event had ended, Clinton made his way to the door, secret service men in tow.

It had been a rough night, but I wasn’t going to leave empty handed (not counting the floral arrangement I swiped off one table). I was getting my picture of Clinton. I had to elbow quite a few starry-eyed blue haired ladies out of the way. One of them even threw her girdle at him.

So THAT’S what gets you noticed. (Worked for Monica.) (OH NO I DIDN’T!)

(Sidebar: Apparently Clinton has been making friendship bracelets in his spare time.)

This morning, I voted. My polling place is at a Hyde Park elementary school so I’m just thankful I didn’t get mugged. When I walked in the school (I knew where to go because of all the Vote Aqui! signs), I thought about how nice it would be to work as a teacher – crafting young minds and producing a new generation of thoughtful bloggers. But then I remembered that I’m not the biggest fan of kids.

I woke up EXTRA EARLY (read: before 9AM) so I could beat the crowds. I was the only one there. The six people manning the booths nearly jumped on me. What primary would you like to vote in! Have you ever used these machines before! Your hair is so pretty! As usual, I confused them by showing my driver’s license which features a home address that has been defunct for years. Yes, I know I should renew my license. But I was young in that picture. When I first saw the ballot, I demanded to know where Andy Brown was. What a subversion of democracy! I tried to write him in on the screen to no avail.

What was the point of voting in this primary? There was, like, one candidate in every slot. All I had to do was rubber stamp it. Of course, there was the gubernatorial primary. Bell or Gammage. Bell or Gammage. I closed my eyes and picked one.

I left the school quite pleased with myself, a sanctimonious ‘I Voted’ sticker on my chest. Sure, I may not do volunteer work. I may not give money to worthy causes, or deliver meals to the elderly. But I vote, goddammit. My high school government teacher would be proud.

Last night was the social event of the… night – an Andy Brown fundraising party featuring Austin’s “Young Professionals.” I guess I’m neither. Hello! My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. Oh, I’ve been snubbed before. I got dumped by PL in 8th grade so she could be BFFs with Vanessa Buta. Then I didn’t make the Freshman cheerleading squad. For God’s sake, I wasn’t even invited to a school dance until SENIOR YEAR. I got fired after ONE DAY of waitressing at Ringling Bros. Deli.

But this hurts.

Now I’m being snubbed by a wanna-be Westlake state rep wanting MONEY? I’m not even good enough to be SOLICITED?!

I had to find out about the party while “working” in my cube when a co-worker asked if I was going. I muttered something about a “previous engagement,” namely, donning dark sunglasses and a head scarf while doing a drive-by with PL.