Runnin’ On Empty
I watched the official Perry announcement today although I missed the live version because it was scheduled at the same time as my yoga class. I knew exactly when he came on stage because while on my mat I felt a great disturbance in the Force. When I got home, I watched him in disbelief. If you closed your eyes, you would swear that you were listening to W. There aren’t any more “ings” in Perry’s vernacular, just “in’s”, as in “thinkin’, hopin’, prayin’, bullshittin’.” Folksy can be cute for little boys with speech impediments but folksy overload from a grown man is simply nauseating. I should know. I was chugging mineral water while watching and couldn’t stop belching uncontrollably every other sentence. (Yes, this is very attractive, especially when paired with Cape Cod potato chips.)
In case you missed it, here’s the unofficial transcript:
Paint Creek blah blah farming blah blah wife blah blah blah proud Americans blah blah blah taxes blah blah Obama Obama Obama blah blah jobs blah blah Texas blah blah I declare to you today as a candidate for president of the United States.
Yes, that last line sent chills down my spine too. I mean, I knew it was coming but then hearing it made it real, just like when I stopped believing in Santa Claus but when my parents confirmed this I was like WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT YOU’VE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD. Without a doubt this was Perry’s best line: “I’ll work every day to try to make Washington, D.C. as inconsequential in your life as I can.” Who wrote that beaut? “I’ll work every day to try to make me as inconsequential in your life as I can.” Brilliant.
But as I watched him, one thing did make me feel better. The sweat that kept building on his upper lip. Then on his forehead. Even mussing his hair. It was positively Nixonian! More like that! Take it from someone who sweats a lot—the sweating only gets worse as the pressure builds. Ask Al Brooks in Broadcast News.
Welcome to the race, Mr. Governor.
August 13th, 2011 at 3:24 pm
If they have a Internet Home Town meeting and ask the public to send in your questions, what would be the one question you’d want them to ask Perry in front of millions of people on TV?
My question. “Do you believe in Evolution?”
eileen Reply:
August 13th, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Are those plugs?
West Texas Hillbilly Reply:
August 14th, 2011 at 10:17 am
Can he explain the origin of these yell leader hand gestures?
Commie Pinko Reply:
August 14th, 2011 at 12:40 pm
Aggie Land is peer pressure at it’s zenith. Imagine. You feel like you’re a nobody. You’re alone. You have a feeling of being a singular, unique, individual. Suddenly, there are guys with boots, razor haircuts, and they always appear to be having fun. If only you could belong to something, a motorcycle gang, a KKK clan, a nazis storm trooper outfit, somebody with boots to say “Hey you’re one of us! Let’s haze someone.” Aggies are all about tradition, a tradition of ignorance and rednecks.
August 13th, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Phil Gramm endorsed him so the mastermind of Enron is on board.
It makes me want to shake the electorate of Texas and say, “Are you out of your freaking mind?” Then I look at some of our representatives and think that question is long answered.
August 13th, 2011 at 4:27 pm
Here’s an idea. Let’s have Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann Ron Paul, and that Cain guy all in one state. I’d suggest Texas, just off the top of my head. Then, let’s pass a bill to cut them out of the Union. The hell with secession, we don’t want THEM. They can then form their own theocracy, with no government, and the rest of us can never hear from them again.
Can I get an Amen?
Sam in Pearland Reply:
August 13th, 2011 at 4:47 pm
If those four got to fighting over who was God’s Chonsen One it would resemble Iraq without the good manners.
Alan Reply:
August 14th, 2011 at 2:01 pm
…or Lord of the Flies with old people.
AFM Reply:
August 14th, 2011 at 4:33 pm
Back in the old days if someone said that god told them to run for office they would have sent them to the loony bin. What a bunch of wackadoodles. I want to know what in the heck happened in TX. It seemed to be a pretty smart state until the republicans took it over. When are you independents and democarts and moderate republicans going to take back your state?
Commie Pinko Reply:
August 14th, 2011 at 8:45 pm
Amen.
West Texas Hillbilly Reply:
August 14th, 2011 at 10:33 pm
Lord of the flies with old people…. funny that. Pretty much describes the tea party.
August 14th, 2011 at 6:19 pm
Correction….
In case you missed it, here’s the unofficial transcript:
Paint Creek blah’in blah’in farming blah’in blah’in wife blah’in blah’in blah’in proud Americans blah’in blah’in blah’in taxes blah’in blah’in Obama Obama Obama blah’in blah’in jobs blah’in blah’in Texas blah’in blah’in I declare to you today as a candidate for president of the United States.
August 15th, 2011 at 9:52 am
We must help Perry with his campign slogan.
Prideful Ignorance?