Going Cold Turkey Baster
By JCBT
Everyone knows that a woman isn’t really a woman unless she’s married and has children. Otherwise she’s just another guy with a really great set of man boobs. But some women have trouble finding Mr. Right, and they’re tired of scanning Match.com and going to Molotov. So these loser women are taking matters into their own childless hands.
Now chicks are using fertility doctors and sperm banks to get knocked up. Between 1999 and 2003, the percentage of babies born to unmarried women between ages 30 and 44 in America increased by almost 17 percent. These women are also now called ‘choice mothers’ which is so much nicer sounding than sluts.
Let’s face it, you DO want to know as much about the guy as possible. “He did his undergrad at Yale, has an MBA from Harvard and his dad was President? I want to have his baby!” Some sperm banks try to answer character questions. There’s audiotaped interviews, lengthy written questionnaires , psychological studies and even staff impressions like “He was so nice and articulate when he asked for a copy of ‘Jugs’ to jerk off to.”
It’s interesting what women look for. One Jewish woman first went only looking for a Jewish donor. “Everybody either had glasses, they’re balding or their grandmother was diabetic and had heart disease — typical Jewish population,” said ‘Q.’ She settled on a 6’2″ German guy. “He really was the typical Aryan perfect human being,” she said, laughing. Oh sure, NOW it’s funny.
Daniela, an Aryan chick from Germany, settled on a Chinese-Peruvian-Italian mix. “Thick hair, which is also nice,” she said, “because if I happen to get a son, I don’t like bald guys.” Who does? She really liked the fact that he was a full time theater student. “He has creative aspirations,” she said. Also employment aspirations. Get ready to support him for a. long. time.
One chick named Karyn even printed out her donor’s photo and kept it on her coffee table. “I kind of glance at it as I pass,” she said of the picture. “It’s almost like when you date someone, and you keep looking at them, and you’re, like, Are they cute? But every time I pass, I’m, like, Oh, he’s really cute. It’s a comforting feeling.” No, that’s not weird.
But what about the actual intercourse itself? Don’t women miss that part of it? Well, artificial insemination doesn’t involve foreplay and lasts only 3 minutes. So it’s just like having sex with a real man.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
JCBT – If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
Does anyone know what artifical insemination costs? I don’t want my co-workers to see me googling it?
March 20th, 2006 at 12:04 pm
Loving me usually results in a shot of penicillin.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:10 pm
Thanks for letting us know how men really feel about women who are single and have no children (and over the age of 25). I always suspected it. I’m going to be shooting myself later today. Thanks again.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:13 pm
ITPT cannot be held responsible for any suicidal thoughts or idealations.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:16 pm
I’d never consider seriously dating a woman who didn’t have at least one divorce under her belt and preferably a potty-trained kid as well.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:16 pm
PL told me that she and all her friends are in their late 20s.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:19 pm
MID-20s.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Evidently the average cost is about $500. But why pay that when you get a a few free dinners and some flowers from an educated guy who can last longer than 3 min?
March 20th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
Wallflower, you don’t want your coworkers to see you googling “artificial insemination,” but you’re OK with them seeing you read this site. Go figure.
JCBT, you have outdone yourself.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
If only men took out women for a few dinners and bought flowers for women older than 25.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
the actual insemination is only a couple of hundred bucks, but that chick Karyn in the article spent over $3k to secure the last of her (im)personal McDreamy’s sperm.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
Maybe if straight male breeders didn’t get fat, stupid and expect a hot meal and hole every night from the b*tch, women wouldn’t feel the need to do without them.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
Bitter Betsy, you are dating the wrong guys. Stop dsting Republicans.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Maybe if women didn’t get fat, over-analyze every word or phrase, and make up crises to get attention then perhaps they could find a decent mate.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:55 pm
Dear Bitter Betsy:
Meet me at the PD/ITPT party. If you are hot, I will buy you dinner and flowers.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:57 pm
Let me get this straight. These women are chosing to have a child without a partner, so they become the sole party saddled not only with parental but also financial responsibilities. Kill themselves working day and night without help. And for what? Something that becomes A TEENAGER. Makes complete and total sense. Why didn’t I think of that?
/Damn, I forgot to have children.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:09 pm
NOITALL, thank you for the offer. Yes, I’m hot (smokin’ actually). Did you gradute from Yale, have an MBA from Harvard, and was your Dad president? Because, appartently, according to JCBT, that guy’s sperm is still available. Please send over a full bio and psych profile, then we can talk about having dinner.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:09 pm
It’s not too late, DMWP. Get thee to a sperm bank.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28689
March 20th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Dear DMwP:
Meet me at the PD/ITPT party. If you are hot (I think I know who you are), I will buy you dinner and flowers. And a child.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
Dear NOITALL,
Meet me at the PD/ITPT party. If you are hot, I will buy you dinner and flowers in exchange for your sperm.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
Dear Bitter Betsy:
Glad to hear that you are hot.
I couldn’t afford to go to Yale or Harvard, so I ended up at a giant state land-grant university in Travis County. My bio isn’t bad, but my “psych profile” is a tad misleading.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:20 pm
Dear Pink Lady,
I’ll meet you at the PD/ITPT party and you can have my sperm (PhD from UT as well as former UT athlete) for free. I’ll even throw in a dinner and flowers. This seems somewhat akin to free-market dating and I think PL is in the driver’s seat.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Dogs are better than children anyway and much easier to get. Not to mention no braces, college tuition, or teenage years.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:26 pm
If only a dog could give you the big O, you would be set.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
NOITALL, if you know who I am, I’ll have to kill you.
PL, I don’t want children, thanks. I’d have to quit drinking.
Boys, forget the flowers. We just want you to be our sex slaves. It’s really very simple.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:40 pm
I’ll be selling dinner/flower packages at the PD/ITPT party. All proceeds will go to a child support fund we’ll create as a result of the PD/ITPT party – as it seems like everyone will be having test tube cocktails for most of the night.
March 20th, 2006 at 2:02 pm
Sex slavery? I’ll be committing that crime very soon now.
March 20th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
Wow, the PD/ITPT party looks like it’s gonna be hook up central! Suh-weet. And as for sex slavery? Sign me up!
March 20th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
I’ll take a turkey baster and a vibrator over most of the guys I’ve dated in the past year.
March 20th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Who says a dog can’t give you the Big O?
March 20th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Perhaps there should be a sex slavery raffle and sperm raffle? Any lawyers out there who can look into this? Can Dickie G. advise?
March 20th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
#34: Don’t bother, honey. You’re not getting any sex because of comment #15. Of course, you can always change your name.
March 20th, 2006 at 2:37 pm
Ok everyone. HBO is interested in a series. Any ideas for names?
March 20th, 2006 at 2:40 pm
For what? The sperm bank? “No Sex in the City?”
March 20th, 2006 at 2:47 pm
I meant names for what. Not “for what do you love women, the sperm bank?”
And I’m relieved you love women. It’s kind of a requirement for the sex slave gig.
March 20th, 2006 at 2:51 pm
#13, GiM, the bitterness in your post only comes off slightly, only slightly. Drippingly so however.
Is there a rule that prevents gay men from wanting the same?
After writing that, I think I just came up with a new Democratic platform: Healthcare, a b*tch, a hole, and a hot meal.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:00 pm
We’ve got the b*tch. HRC.
/oh, snap.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:05 pm
HRC will be in Austin tomorrow for a fundraiser.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
JCBT, speaking of, Bill will be in town scoring with some artsy UT undergrads. All Austin females, feel free to donate to his fund.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:10 pm
The British are coming, the British are coming…
March 20th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
I love women too! Did I say enlargement? I meant reduction kit! I was getting complaints that I was hurting people.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
I think they’re wire tapping this blog. It’s moving really slow. That’s probably why JCBT sounded like Paul Revere warning us of HRC coming.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:20 pm
Yep. That’s what happened to me this morning. Isn’t it interesting that no one is commenting on the other threads. “ITPT. It’s all about the sex.”
March 20th, 2006 at 3:23 pm
ITPT. If you were having sex, you wouldn’t be reading.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
What is this about Molotov? Where is the party?
March 20th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
ITPT: Soft porn for undersexed politicos.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:42 pm
Some people can multi-task and read and have sex at the same time.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:43 pm
Man, I’m gonna be a gold/bronze/platinum sponsor — whatever it takes. This party will rock!
Dinner, drinks, flowers and sex with Bitter Betsy and DMwP. Dinner, drinks, and flowers with the PL while she milks me. And, considering the general slutiness found on this site, probably several other opportunities for random, meaningless, cheap animal romping.
Cool.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Please visit our companion site at crotchlesspanties.com.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:51 pm
Childless women? Two words:
Quilted vests.
/adorned
//with
///cats
March 20th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
This is not slutiness. This is being open to life’s endless opportunities for fun. There’s a difference. (I’m not sure, but think it [the difference] has something to do with heavy black eyeliner.)
March 20th, 2006 at 3:55 pm
Childless women who teach elementary school? Two words:
Quilted vests.
/adorned
//with
///apples
March 20th, 2006 at 3:56 pm
This party is sounding like a staffer get together at the Capitol–except the booze wont be free.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:57 pm
Is anyone in the market for a sperm whale. Slightly used.
March 20th, 2006 at 3:57 pm
Neither will the sperm.
March 20th, 2006 at 4:10 pm
JCBT, The only quilted vest I ever wore was dove hunting. And it didn’t have cat, but it did have the little sleeves for shells.
March 20th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Well if it had cats, you probably would have gotten shot in the face.
March 20th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
A “slut” (female or male) is not a pejorative term. It simply describes a person who is fully satisfied, endowed with vigor and ecstasy, enveloped with warmth, fulfilled to capacity, flowing with a zeal for life, or simply achieving a spiritual state that brings one closer to our maker.
These people also like to f*ck.
March 20th, 2006 at 4:20 pm
NOITALL, I kind of like the definition in Urban Dictionary online:
slut: a woman with the morals of a man.
March 20th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
NOITALL, I like the definition in the Urban Dictionary online:
Slut: a woman with the morals of a man.
/So unfair!
March 20th, 2006 at 4:27 pm
Is that the Webster’s definition of the word?
March 20th, 2006 at 4:36 pm
You’re either the cat lady or the sperm lady.
March 20th, 2006 at 4:44 pm
Urban Dictionary’s definition: Slut — a woman with the morals of a man.
/SO unfair
March 20th, 2006 at 4:48 pm
Where is the fucking party?
March 20th, 2006 at 4:48 pm
Cat lady or sperm lady. Either way, a pussy is getting stroked.
/What?!
March 20th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
The snap heard round the world.
March 20th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
Yellow Rose, they haven’t decided yet. But PD and PL will let us know. In their own. sweet. time.
March 20th, 2006 at 5:38 pm
WHERE’S THE FUCKING PARTY?!
March 20th, 2006 at 5:39 pm
Turtle, *@&*^%$*! I am too old to laugh that hard. So just chill, OK?
March 20th, 2006 at 5:45 pm
Fucking party. Nicely named.
March 20th, 2006 at 5:56 pm
A lurkette sighting! She’s baaaaccck.
March 20th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
JCBT, re #54. You’re a bit off. The vest lady sounds like a mama to me.
March 21st, 2006 at 9:26 am
Mom jeans never got anyone any sperm.
March 21st, 2006 at 9:37 am
Palmettos on the other hand.
March 21st, 2006 at 11:07 am
It is what is UNDER the mom jeans that count. Some guys can see through those things.
March 21st, 2006 at 11:17 am
See there? He just made every girl on this blog fall in love with him. Take a lesson, guys.
March 21st, 2006 at 11:49 am
I still don’t understand why withdrawals aren’t popular at sperm banks.